when he’s being an a**.

I’m not gonna lie. I have had it up to here with a**holes. So, when one of my guy friends seemed to befriend me and start spending a lot of time with me, and even fooled half of our social circle into the fact that we were (or weren’t we?) dating…I enjoyed it. Yes. Maybe that means I was using him as much as he was using me. But I enjoyed the fact that a) if people thought I were dating said guy friend that it was a definite upgrade from my ex and b) if people thought I was dating said guy friend, maybe somehow that made me more special…and c) I liked his company and honestly could see me dating SAID GUY FRIEND (plus, did I mention, he’s cute?!).

SO when I realized said guy friend has THE worst taste in women, it completely killed the vibe. And it broke a little piece of my heart. So you are into the dumbest, skinniest, blondes? (No offense ladies…but really?!) Said guy friend has been a friend for over 3 years. On and off and on again for different reasons…but that time it was my birthday and he may (or may not?) have hooked up with someone who I consider to be a younger sister is reason enough why we never got real close. But, he was roommates with two of my favorite people…which was reason enough why we DID in fact get close. So when he started spending nights at my place…and in my bed…well I guess the line got, to say the least, blurry. And when every other friday turned into a night out of drinking, dancing, deep thoughts and flirtation…well I guess I thought maybe something more was there. I guess I thought maybe he would realize I am actually the one he wants. But I’m not dumb. Or skinny…And I’m a legit blonde…not the fake blonde type.

So since he’s spoken all of 5 words to me in the last 3 days, I guess I see where I stand. And since I know I come nothing close to his standards, I will pretend to not care. But the thing is. I am what he wants. I am the right choice. But in all honestly, he doesn’t deserve me. And I should never talk to him for treating me like I now don’t exist…but really, I should have been smarter and known better and never trusted him.

And for that…I refuse to be effected. I’m sorry but eff you. If you’ve been in fact using me to get what you want from other people or waste your time, then karma has something coming at you. That’s not what friends are. I expected so much more from you, and can honestly say I’m actually disappointed in who you’ve turned out to be. And that’s all I can say for now, but it hurts my heart to know you might have used me…

xox.

 

 

and some days you’re bad ass.

Ever have those days where you feel on top of the world?! Nothing can stop you! You can do it all!

Sure, they may not be but every couple weeks (or maybe more often if you’re lucky), but today was one of those days! My alarm went off this morning at 5:30am and I popped up, got dressed, made some coffee and was out the door before the sun was up. 12 minutes later, I started a morning run and raced to the beach trying to beat the sun to the shore. Today, I won. Turned around and finished just over 5 miles at 7am.

Off to work I went, endorphins and sweat flowing, feeling good. There’s nothing like feeling accomplished before even getting into work on a Monday morning! 5 miles down, what else was on the agenda. Work flew by — checking emails, getting things done. When it was time to workout, I got in the mindspace, changed and started with a warm up run…in the 100+ degree heat. Followed by an insanely hot 40 minutes in the gym working on squats, squat cleans, sumo squats and pushups, I finished up with the last thing in the world I wanted to do, run another mile in the heat. I make it a habit to open and close my Monday WODs with miles…while it never gets easier, it seems to be pretty awesome and butt kicking and sometimes even vomit inducing. I left the gym feeling accomplished — 7 miles done and a workout to boot!

Later, the energy continued to flow. I jumped on the court and drilled and it felt amazing. Driving solid balls through the court well over 80 miles an hour, moving around, pain free. Gotta love that feeling on a monday where nothing yet is sore or hurting.

Anyway, one might think this blog post is just showing off and bragging. But really it’s a nice reminder that somedays I am pretty badass. Over the weekend I had some friends tell me how athletic I was. I laughed it off and said they must not have been referring to me, but one of the other 3 guys I had been playing beach volleyball with. “No. I watched you out there. And I watched them..you are athletic.”

It got me thinking. I may not have ever had the most natural talent. Or athletic abilities. But I sure as hell will try harder than anyone I know. And I’m coachable and competitive. And you bet your ass I ran 7 miles today, played tennis AND worked out…you’re damn right I’m athletic!

I’m slowly learning to like little things here and there about myself physically. Like my baby lats that slowly are popping up above my shoulders. And how maybe my waist isn’t leaning out but my bra line is…leading to emphasizing my broad shoulders and strong legs. I’ve never worried about a thigh gap per say, but my quads are strong and my legs have carried me through hell and back. For whatever reason, the veins in my hands pop just a little bit more lately and the calluses on my hands are actually a badge of honor to me, while most men (and women) would find them disgusting. My aches and pains remind me of how hard I push. And my sweaty clothes that I need to air out every day are also soaked with passion and pride. Maybe my body isn’t changing drastically, but every day I work hard to get stronger and become more of who I want to be.

Either way…on most days where my head can be consumed about ways I can be better, try harder, be nicer, accomplish more…today, I’m just going to be proud of me. No, I don’t have four kinds and 3 jobs…I’m just living a life I love, but today, I pushed myself and was positive and strong and somedays, that’s enough. And today, I was badass.

xox.

where is my mind.

Here’s the thing, if you can’t tell already…I am one of those people who lives in the moment. I get super excited and passionate about things on my plate. I’m not going to lie, I get distracted easily and the term “blonde moment” may have been created because of me. And when I’m on, I have a tendency to go 100 miles per minute. There’s no telling me no or to slow down.

With that being said, 2016 has been an interesting year for me. I have had more things come up where I literally am asking myself “where is my head?” While I am scattered at times, I don’t lose too many things. While I’m clumsy sometimes, I don’t break too many things. This year, I’ve lost my wallet (that’s an interesting story! Thank God I live in an amazing town and it was right where I left it an hour later), my car got banged up and I’m still not quite sure how, and most recently, I left my phone on top of my car and then drove away. Yea…

I read a quote the other day that said something along the lines of “my extrovert personality covers up my introvert tendencies.” I like to be busy and love being social, but there are those days and moments where I need my time. On a daily basis I can usually achieve that when I get a workout or run in (although, let’s be honest, some days the gym is definitely too much of a social activity!). The other day, I went to get some sand sprints in after work — a weekly workout I actually love — beach + sand + sprints + endorphins. Long story short, there are those days when runs just don’t really happen the way they are supposed to. It was super windy, a bit cold, and a half mile in, I had to pee! So, I turned around, jogged to the bathroom and was pumped to get my sprints going now that I was sufficiently warm and my bladder was empty. I start my timer and get going…A mile in, my already super tight calf really tightens up and I realize if I sprint one more time, there’s a good chance it would tear (been there done that, it’s NOT fun). I stop, turn around, and hobble back to my car. I set my phone down and shake the sand from my shoes. Get in and go on my merry way. Yea…2 minutes later, I’m wondering where my phone is. The freeway onramp comes up and I’m about to get on the freeway when I realize I really actually have no idea where my phone is and I need to pull over and look for it.

A half mile later I pull over to a gas station, search my purse and passenger seat, maybe under my seat…nope. I get out, and there it is…laying right on top of my car. Right where I left it. Ironically, before all of this I was contemplating giving my Mom a call to catch up, the phone on the car solidified the fact that she needed to hear how much I had officially lost it. “Where is my mind? What is wrong with me?” I asked, literally laughing but with a slight tone of seriousness, like do I need to check myself into the mental institute NOW?? Obviously a clear sign to slow down.

The next morning at work, I submitted a mental health day off.

And here I am enjoying said day off! 🙂 Honestly, it’s one of the best feelings in the world. I have threatened for months to take a day off…and haven’t…for a hundred reasons. Because I tell myself “I don’t need a day off” or I feel bad if I take a day off, or I just don’t think I realize the importance of a mental reset. Or maybe it’s also the fact that I want to take an actual sick day but I know HR will hound me for not going to the doctors on my deathbed or having a sick child.

But I woke up this morning without my alarm going off. Brushed my teeth, made my coffee like normal and am sitting here with the crisp fall air rushing in and writing. It’s quite liberating! And well worth it and now that I’m actually taking said day off, I realize how badly I needed it! So far, I have no guilt for taking it off, yea, still working on that whole “give yourself a break every now and then” thing! And after the way I reacted last week to some internet hate, it’s always nice to have a little distance and a bit of a reset. My day consists of a fall hike and maybe some wine with friends, but honestly, as long as I smile, slow down and enjoy the day, it will be well worth the 8 hours of vacation time. Enjoy the day.

xox.

 

 

 

embrace your inner beyonce.

one of the hardest parts of being a “strong woman” is just that, remaining strong even on the toughest of days.

let’s be honest, life is rough man. some days just aren’t great. and some days the littlest thing in the world can get under your skin and turn your day for the worst. and maybe you’re having the best day, or week even and something hits you like a ton of bricks and you can’t find your smile. even worst, maybe you just don’t even want to look for it. or it’s just another straw on the camel’s back that brings you down right as you were done being sad. I get it. I’ve been on every end of this story. and what’s tough, is my “I’m a badass, don’t mess with me, I always have a smile on my face” persona completely cracks at that point…and this strong woman I used to recognize in the mirror has disappeared.

last week, i had one of those moments. i was in a great mood. i’ve been enjoying the company of some different people and just super busy at work and socially (which I enjoy), pushing hard in the gym and out of the gym and just having a decent week, when there it was…the comment that broke me. (I have to preface this with the fact that I did write about this last week, but had a chance to discuss it a bit today with someone, so i guess these are just some more reflections.) “she’s ugly as hell.” Wait? what? Excuse me? Yes, some internet troll got the best of me. The tears started welling up and the voices in my head began. “Well, I guess I don’t look that great, I should have re-done my make up and brushed my hair or at least put it in a better bun and clipped up the sides. And yea, this shirt isn’t the most flattering, and my face looks horrible today, why is my nose peeling?! And why didn’t I put on lipstick. Ugh they’re right, I am ugly as hell.”

Then and there, I kind of broke. I left the room and stood outside to gather my emotions before returning to my desk where I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. The tears welled up and left, welled up and left. And then my boss asked to chat. I stepped outside and knew what he wanted to talk about, but wasn’t sure how I was going to handle it. “It seems like you’ve been getting effected more with each negative comment…” Yep. Yes sir, you are right, with each one, the knife gorges deeper. “I don’t have the answers, but people are jerks and I want you to know I am here to help you through it and it probably isn’t going to change.” Of course, I began apologizing profusely, “I know, I need thicker skin. I don’t know why it bothers me. I’ll do better.” But what came out next was the actual truth. Because he wasn’t looking for an apology from me or for me to close myself off, but he wanted to know he cared and didn’t want me to lose my passion over some asshats on the internet. So back to what I said next…”the thing is, it hurts me so much more than others because I believe it.” I couldn’t look at him as the tears were flooding in. I laughed and apologized for the impromptu therapy session. And I could just feel his heart breaking for me.

Now, I’m super lucky to have an amazing boss and support system. Thanks to him, today I had a chance to chat with someone who would keep things light and anonymous. I think it honestly hit him harder than he realized (as a dad of 5, 3 of which are daughters, I think it just really tugged at his heart strings that people can be so cruel and hurtful). So today, after talking it out a bit, and trying to explain it to someone who may not completely understand but was a good listener, I said, “I just need to embrace my inner Beyonce.” She smiled and agreed, “yes, definitely.”

I left the conversation feeling slightly unsure about my next step, but slightly leaning toward the idea of just trying to remain as strong as possible. But something we talked about hit me. “No matter what it is that gets you down, we all have those moments where we need to call on our tribe and ask them to remind us how awesome we are.”

Somedays, despite the smile, I feel like I am fooling EVERYBODY! Don’t get me wrong, somedays I feel absolutely bad ass and amazing and yes, you’re jealous of my life because my life is pretty fantastic. But on those odd days when I feel gross or fat or ugly or stupid or lonely or sad or unaacomplished or slow or disgusting (yes, I could go on!) I have to realize that’s ok too. I can’t be 100% on my game everyday (or can I?!?!?). And on those days or moments, I need to find a way to be ok with that.

Ironically last week, I had about 3 friends tell me I am the hardest person on myself out of anyone they know. That’s always an interesting critique to me. My mom would cringe hearing me explain it, but if I’m not hard on myself trying to be better/faster/stronger/smarter/prettier/wiser/etc…then what’s the point?! I have a horrible (yet amazing) habit of committing 100% to basically everything I do. Passion I think would be a good way of describing it. I was raised not to half ass anything. So I don’t. But it’s a bit of a double edged sword. Because there’s always room for improvement…what’s that quote, “they tell me nothing is perfect, then why is it a word?” Like I said, double edged sword.

So today I realized a few things. I need to remember the good things people say about me. Maybe even collect those. How sad is it that I was keeping the mean, hateful comments…?! (WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??). I also am considering therapy…again. I’m scared and really don’t know about it, but today it was explained to me like this — if you talk to someone about things to help you grow into a better version of yourself when your life is good and you’re NOT at rock bottom, you’re going to be much more receptive and interested in fixing the little things. So, I know I have my own glaring issues that have really come to the surface this past year, although I think they are pretty submersed from the public eye…I hope! I need to write down my goals and be specific. I know what I want, and I want to get there…so time to put pen to paper (I may even just publish them here…the universe needs to know!). I’ve gotta give myself a break, somedays. It’s great to be pushing to be better every day, but the speed bumps happen and if it isn’t an exactly perfect day, I need to be ok with it (that’s going to be a big one to work on). And embrace my inner Beyonce! I know that sounds silly, but to me, it makes all the sense in the world. She’s such a strong woman and you know she has those days where the media has gone after her or she’s tired or it’s just not her day (I’m assuming even Bey has bad days, I mean, did you hear Lemonade?!). But, consult your tribe. Deal with that. And move forward. Stop letting it control you. Control what you can. And continue to build others up and be nice. Compliment and make others around you strong. You can’t always be the strongest woman in the world, but you can be nice and you can help build others up.

I’m going to put a quote at the bottom of this post, which made me realize how much I need to change my brain and way of thinking. Because all the negatives I repeat to myself are manifesting in the world. And I do NOT need that negativity. So let’s manifest some positive sh*t! 🙂

Now if you made it just that far through this jumbled blog post…kudos to you! My brain is mush after this long day. I had every intention of writing something that made absolute sense this evening…but I just wrote, and this came out 🙂

“the world will see you the way you see you, and treat you the way you treat yourself.” – Beyonce

xox.

when will you love yourself.

One of the biggest reasons I wanted to start writing again was to hope to cope with some internal issues that have seemed to flare up. Mainly my body image issues as well as my negative internal voices.

I work in a position where I am in the public eye. I’m not a trained actor. No one has ever really taught me how to do my make up or hair or speak correctly or what not. But I have personality and I smile big and I love what I do. I’m on social media and youtube and my face and body is out there. So today when I got the comment, “She’s ugly as hell” it hit me hard. Like the rest of them.

All week I have been happy and feeling pretty good about myself…but in that instance when I received that message, I was quickly reminded how ugly, fat, dumb, pathetic, gross, etc. I am. While everyone reminds me “that’s not real, that’s not the truth,” I beg to differ. My boss pulled me aside to let me know he could tell the hateful comments have been getting to me. Yep. They have. Sadly in that moment as I fought the tears back, I realized why they get to me more than anyone else…because I believe them to be true. It might as well be one of the voices saying it to me. As my boss explained how much he sees I have changed physically over the past 3 years and how I work harder than anyone he knows and am in better shape than 90% of the world, it’s so hard to pat myself on my back for that…I mean, I’m just trying to be better each day. While I realize I’m so far from perfect, some days I just want to be done with the day and have someone tell me I’m beautiful and perfect just the way I am.

Why?! Why can’t I love myself? Why can’t I get there? I have hours of greatness — where I feel completely in control of who I am and love *almost* every ounce of her. I look at people and wish I had their confidence or ego even. Why do I believe them? I have friends tell me I’m one of the most beautiful people inside and out and all I feel is that I’m one of the most broken people. I talk about embracing the “glorious mess” that I am, but it’s hard. I mean, I embrace it 100% but somedays that consists on dealing with some self hate.

I’m not actually looking for answers because at the end of the day I know I need to work on these things. And I do. And I have. And I know no one can love me enough for me to love me. But I just wonder if it will ever happen?

And on the complete opposite side of the coin, people that go out of their way to be mean, hateful, and plain rude are assholes. What makes you feel the need to RUIN someone else’s day? Newsflash, we are people. It effects us. It hurts. Shut the fuck up and don’t say anything if you don’t have something nice to say. And while you’re at it, send me your Mom’s phone number or email so I can call her up and see if she taught you that or if you’re just a royal jerk.

And with that, I’m off to spend an evening with my ladies, let go of all the bullshit and hate swimming in my head and enjoy the evening.

xox.

 

guilt.

I was thinking about how I want to structure my posts and well, I can be very unstructured in life…so I see this going no differently! Although earlier today when I felt one of those pangs of guilt, it made realize I a) wanted to write about it, and get it out and b) possibly could have a word that effected me in one way or another, positive or negative, to write on when I come to write here. We will see.

So today’s word is guilt.

I wish I could pinpoint the origins of this one. Maybe if I psychoanalyze myself a bit more, it will come. But until that happens, let it be known I deal with large amounts of guilt on my worst days and small pangs of it even on the best of days. Mainly the words “I feel bad” come out of my mouth when wanting to turn something down or not attending an event. But it usually goes much deeper than that.

The root of it is, really I just want to please everyone. And there’s no way that actually can happen on a day to day basis. So why do I care what everyone thinks? That might be another topic for another day.

Today, I got an email from my father. Let’s just say we aren’t the closest. I don’t not have a relationship with him but I can’t say I’d ever turn to him when in dire need of help. He didn’t get invited to my sister’s wedding, he hasn’t met her husband, and I see him mainly because I feel…you guessed it, GUILTY. There’s all sorts of family drama and dynamics that help explain that one, but that’s not my point right now. Back to the email. Yesterday, the Monday morning after the biggest professional tournament of the year, my father emails me asking for a “favor.” Long story short, his friends needs help with his order that went wrong. (Can I just say here that somedays I think everyone knows I will do anything to help them out and most days I can’t say “no;” a real flaw, I know.) So I stop working on my stuff to take a look and try and sort things out and help. Well, I’m not going to lie, he was overstepping his boundaries and asking me to do something for someone who wasn’t him and for me to overstep my position. And on a busy monday, it was frustrating. So I stupidly vented to my mom. A nice 7 lined text followed by a “sorry for the Monday vent.” She got it and said he was wrong and it was done. Until I got said email today, from him, apologizing for overstepping. Now most people would be great with that. But all I feel is guilt because I know my mom told my dad it was wrong. And then he apologized. Trust me…down the way we will get into the parental drama and such. But I feel bad my Dad got yelled at because of me.

There is a lot of guilt I have around my family. When my Mom is feeling down and wants me to visit and it’s a 6 hour one way drive and a weekend at the beach with friends just seems easier than taking a day off work to spend half a day in the car. Ugh even typing that makes me want to erase it because I feel bad saying it! It’s nothing new for people to experience these emotions or feelings. But I need to realize I am solely in charge of myself and I need to stop letting others make me feel a way I don’t want to feel. I can’t please everyone. I need to continue to work on my own happiness.

I don’t have the answers. And sadly, I’m running out on my hours in the day. So with that I leave you. Do more of what makes you happy. Don’t give an eff what the others think. Be unapologetically you!

xox.

 

life.

I’m excited to get the ball rolling. Entry one has been added and I feel like I have freedom to write what I want from here on out.

While I struggle most days to find enough hours in the day, I think this will be an important task I will want to find time for. Because four years ago…my blog was what kept me going.

Now, why should you listen to me? Well…I’m not saying you should. But I’ve lived life and experienced a whole helluva a lot. A lot more than I think most have. And here’s what I know and what I can expand on…Life is amazing. Yes, it does eventually all make sense and even the darkest times do have a light at the end of the tunnel. You may feel alone, but you aren’t. Some days suck…for no reason at all. People can be assholes. Some days are amazing…for no reason at all, but you just find yourself smiling and laughing and in it. Some people will always get it. Several never will. The people who are there through the ups and downs are your tribe. Don’t open up to everyone, most people don’t care. Life is too short not to be living it how you want. Do what you love, no matter what it is. No man ever has the right to abuse the woman he claims to care about — mentally, physically or emotionally. Hate and jealousy is an ugly emotion. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all. Dreams do come true but sometimes dreams change. March to the beat of your own drum. No one said it would be easy. Enjoy every minute of your world. Life is short, tell the people you love that you care about them. You are worth it. Life is a balance. Nothing toxic comes from genuine love. You never know who you are inspiring.

I could go on 🙂 and I will…

You could say four years ago I hit rock bottom. Ironically enough, now looking back…I probably hit it before…although thought I was downward spiralling when in actuality, I may have been rebounding back.

Four years ago, I hated myself. I was lost. I literally cried every day. I had just moved home with my mom after my contract wasn’t renewed and I was lied to and I lost my “dream job.” I had no friends (granted, I had no friends in albuquerque either so this wasnt new). My emotionally abusive narcissistic ex boyfriend broke up with me after saying he would do anything to move to be with me. I was fat and hadn’t worked out (like seriously worked out, sure 30 minutes on the elliptical here and there) in years. I had no passion. I had no direction. I was sad. Every day was painful.

Now I have to preface this story ALWAYS by saying thank GOD for my support system. Which consists of my mom and my sister. No joke, without those two, there is no way I’d be where I am today. I may not even be here…let alone living my dreams.

That being said, thankfully my Mom had found a gym she loved and saw results at and dragged me along. Me, being cloudy and foggy and angry at the world was convinced it was dumb because after all, I had been a top athlete and could have been a pro tennis player and they couldn’t train me. Little did I realize I had been abusing my body for years and hadnt actually consistently worked since I had stopped competing several years ago. For some reason, I was convinced that as a D1 tennis coach, working out only was necessary for the players. Did I mention my then boyfriend tried to snap me out of that by letting me know I was “fat” and “should go to the gym?!”

So, at 29 years old I found myself unemployed, overweight and living with my Mom…far from any dream I had ever dreamt. I had been diagnosed with “severe depression and anxiety” months before and was on one of the heaviest, legal doses of anti-depressants (which after doing extensive research, I learned would be a bitch to ween myself off). I struggled almost daily with self harm. So much so that every time I had an incident, my Mom made me promise her I’d never do it again. I never could make that promise. And each time it got worst. But it took some of the pain away from my head…it made no sense logically…but in my world, I deserved it and I hated myself that much.

So, I did what any other person in my shoes would do. I threw myself into the gym and got to sweating. Yes, the story goes I definitely almost puked doing burpees outside on day 1. God, I had no idea how out of shape I had gotten. And as I applied to every tennis job under the sun, I quickly realized I was in a bad spot and life wasn’t working out. I flew all over the country for interviews just to be “runner up” due to political reasons. The more rejections, the worst I felt…the more time I spent at the gym. Finally, I was bored with it all and began my blog.

Back then, my day literally consisted of going to the gym. Getting coffee. Applying to jobs. Blogging.

Now if you know me today, you have to question this. My schedule today looks something like this — wake up at 6am go to work, hit the gym, play some tennis, work a bit more, go to the beach, get a 5k run in, quick trip to the store, make some dinner, watch a show and bed. Throw in softball games, hikes, 6am 10k runs, volleyball, game nights, concerts, friday nights (say what? yes! I now have a thriving social life!), etc. Like I said, I need more hours in the day!

So what happened in those months. Honestly…for six months I cried a lot. I felt hopeless and sorry for myself. There were many days when I came home and lost it. One day in particular stands out. Maybe I self abused, maybe I didn’t that day. But what I remember was crying and being in so much pain and I said, “Nothing in this world will ever make THIS make sense.” And I believed it. *SPOILER ALERT* Something in this world made it all make sense. And I tear up just writing that. Because honestly, despite always having goals and dreams, I don’t think I ever saw myself where I am today…and maybe that was part of the problem…maybe I never believed enough or maybe I didn’t have enough faith. But I remember on my 30th birthday saying, wow…it all does make sense and it was all worth it and I couldn’t be more thankful for my journey and my struggle if this is where it led me and it makes me so insanely grateful and thankful for every day before me.

I feel like there are so many little stories within a story. And my head is a big jumble of it all. And while some of it really isn’t valid, it all leads me to here.

And I haven’t even hit on why I wanted to start writing again.

I work for a company that is in a word…amazing. They have taken me in like their own and I’m a part of the family. My position allows me to be and thrive as who I am. And my opinion is valued. Like people all over the world actually care about what I have to say about things and value it and even lean on it! With that said, naming myself as a quasi celeb in the tennis world is outright ridiculous. But…truth be told, that’s kind of what we are. As I type, our newest video was uploaded just an hour or two ago and quickly is gaining comments by the minute and will have over 1,000 views by midnight…it’s slightly daunting. With that being said, there are people in this world who suck. Who are insecure and instead of dealing with it, pull other people down. There are some real assholes out there. And lately, those assholes have been getting in my head.

I’ve been called fat. A bitch. A beast. Huge. Ugly. “She has the most talent but is the fattest player I’ve ever seen.” Chubby. Chunky. You name it…I’ve been called it. Most recently I’ve been told I need to stop eating ben and jerrys and that my workouts clearly arent working.

Yea…that shit stays with you. It’s easy for anyone to say those people are just straight up losers or assholes, but that doesn’t erase their words.

So in all honestly, I’ve been noticing that I have been relapsing mentally a bit the past year…that sounds vague. I’ve been dealing with a lot of internal voices and trying to fall in love with the person I am, inside and out. Long story short, I’ve always dealt with disordered eating and body dysmorphia. Ironically, as I dug up some old blog entries, I had documented that at the age of 7 I wrote New Year’s resolutions about “losing weight,” “snacking healthier,” and “exercising more.” At 7.

About a year and a half ago, I met my weight goal I had set. A weight I hadn’t seen since I was 18 when I was spending 4 hours on the court, an hour in the gym and consuming maybe 1000 calories. However, this time when that weight showed on the scale, I had something to go with it — strong, powerful legs that could carry me miles, broad shoulders that could work for hours lifting in the gym, a core that has tightened and experiences that mentally and physically made me stronger.

But, lately, I can’t finish the day unless I’ve sweated through 2 sports bras. My goal weight that I hit is way in the past and I have a new number I’m working toward. Despite dropping well over several sizes in clothes, I want more. So, I’ve always been a hard worker in life and that’s how I go about conquering things. That means, two a days are a norm for me. I spend an hour in the gym and then either another hour on the court and/or an hour or so running or hiking. I try to eat as paleo as possible and as clean as I can most days. I avoid simple carbs, I couldn’t tell you the last time I had a sandwich, I claim not to eat bread…or pasta…I refuse to have flour or sugar in my cabinets. I avoid the bad stuff as much as humanly possible. And after all that, I hate to admit it…but I still don’t like my body. It’s a struggle. And when I have strangers, or people I know make comments about my body, it really doesn’t hurt and I’m desperately searching in my mind for the next thing I can do to somehow “look” fitter, skinnier, better.

I could go on and on about this topic, and I will. It no doubt haunts me on a daily basis. I am consumed with when and what I will do for my workouts and what and when I can eat…it sucks. Somedays I want to give it up, but I refuse to ever go back to someone who weighted well over 250 lbs and thought then she was still an athlete. I am the leanest and strongest I have ever been and I refuse to give up the fight to get leaner and stronger, just some days it isn’t healthy and some days it sucks and some days it’s exhausting, but some days aren’t bad and some days I am proud of myself. But with each day, I know the battle I’m going against and am working on righting my wrongs and making peace with what God has given me to work with. And one day I will find myself to be beautiful. Until then, I will keep moving forward and allowing myself to be human and keep working on being better with each passing day.

I’ll just leave all of that right here for now.

xox

Here I go again…

I’ve recently been re-inspired to start writing again. There are a hundred reasons why I enjoy writing. But most recently, I’ve found the need to get things out there. To talk about things bothering me as I want to release them from my head and leave them here. In doing so, maybe someone out there will relate or not feel as alone. So here we go…

I had a blog several years ago but haven’t maintained it in well over 3 years. So I’m starting fresh. And while I don’t want this topic to really be my first post on my new blog, I do find the desperate need to let go of this story I haven’t spoken out loud about. For whatever reason, I’ve been scared to open up about this issue (and the many more I will be writing on), but suddenly I feel inspired and empowered to give my point of view in life. On Friday, after a glass (or two) of wine, I was sitting with my friends and it started to come up, which made me realize I need to stop the conversation in my head and let it go. So let’s do this.

About a year ago, I was physically abused by my then boyfriend. There, I said it. That wasn’t so hard. Now that I look back, there were several incidents that lead up to this one — the time he yanked on my arm so hard, I feel to the ground, blood gushing from 3 spots on my knee. Or the time he was so upset, he went into the garage to beat the shit out of his punching bag. I should have known. Now, did he beat the crap out of me? No…but does that make my experience less real? Were the bruises up and down my arms easier to hide because I didn’t have a black eye? And why do I still blame myself for it? Maybe it’s because no one would ever believe me if I said it out loud. Maybe it’s because in the past I was told I would have to be careful with physical abuse as each of my relationships grew in abuse. Maybe it’s because it feels like it was my fault.

So there it is. And it still is a heavy burden I carry. When his name comes up or I see him crossing the parking lot, my heart drops. It hurst to hear his name come up because all I want to do is tell people what he did to me. But I can’t. And I won’t. So I will leave it here in hopes that I can let this go and be ok.

When people don’t understand why I’m ok with being single, this is why. I am not good in relationships. I am the worst version of myself. And until I find someone I can be the best version of myself with, I will continue to work on me. Because rebuilding from the pain and abuse is a tough journey. And I think I’m done making those mistakes. So with each day, I try to appreciate myself more…knowing that someone out there will eventually do the same.

One day I might get into more of the meat. And talk about the time the man I loved and cared about looked me in the eyes to tell me he “didn’t love me” and probably never would. But for now, that’s all I needed to say. And I hope I don’t need to say it again.

xox.