I’ve recently been re-inspired to start writing again. There are a hundred reasons why I enjoy writing. But most recently, I’ve found the need to get things out there. To talk about things bothering me as I want to release them from my head and leave them here. In doing so, maybe someone out there will relate or not feel as alone. So here we go…
I had a blog several years ago but haven’t maintained it in well over 3 years. So I’m starting fresh. And while I don’t want this topic to really be my first post on my new blog, I do find the desperate need to let go of this story I haven’t spoken out loud about. For whatever reason, I’ve been scared to open up about this issue (and the many more I will be writing on), but suddenly I feel inspired and empowered to give my point of view in life. On Friday, after a glass (or two) of wine, I was sitting with my friends and it started to come up, which made me realize I need to stop the conversation in my head and let it go. So let’s do this.
About a year ago, I was physically abused by my then boyfriend. There, I said it. That wasn’t so hard. Now that I look back, there were several incidents that lead up to this one — the time he yanked on my arm so hard, I feel to the ground, blood gushing from 3 spots on my knee. Or the time he was so upset, he went into the garage to beat the shit out of his punching bag. I should have known. Now, did he beat the crap out of me? No…but does that make my experience less real? Were the bruises up and down my arms easier to hide because I didn’t have a black eye? And why do I still blame myself for it? Maybe it’s because no one would ever believe me if I said it out loud. Maybe it’s because in the past I was told I would have to be careful with physical abuse as each of my relationships grew in abuse. Maybe it’s because it feels like it was my fault.
So there it is. And it still is a heavy burden I carry. When his name comes up or I see him crossing the parking lot, my heart drops. It hurst to hear his name come up because all I want to do is tell people what he did to me. But I can’t. And I won’t. So I will leave it here in hopes that I can let this go and be ok.
When people don’t understand why I’m ok with being single, this is why. I am not good in relationships. I am the worst version of myself. And until I find someone I can be the best version of myself with, I will continue to work on me. Because rebuilding from the pain and abuse is a tough journey. And I think I’m done making those mistakes. So with each day, I try to appreciate myself more…knowing that someone out there will eventually do the same.
One day I might get into more of the meat. And talk about the time the man I loved and cared about looked me in the eyes to tell me he “didn’t love me” and probably never would. But for now, that’s all I needed to say. And I hope I don’t need to say it again.