guilt.

I was thinking about how I want to structure my posts and well, I can be very unstructured in life…so I see this going no differently! Although earlier today when I felt one of those pangs of guilt, it made realize I a) wanted to write about it, and get it out and b) possibly could have a word that effected me in one way or another, positive or negative, to write on when I come to write here. We will see.

So today’s word is guilt.

I wish I could pinpoint the origins of this one. Maybe if I psychoanalyze myself a bit more, it will come. But until that happens, let it be known I deal with large amounts of guilt on my worst days and small pangs of it even on the best of days. Mainly the words “I feel bad” come out of my mouth when wanting to turn something down or not attending an event. But it usually goes much deeper than that.

The root of it is, really I just want to please everyone. And there’s no way that actually can happen on a day to day basis. So why do I care what everyone thinks? That might be another topic for another day.

Today, I got an email from my father. Let’s just say we aren’t the closest. I don’t not have a relationship with him but I can’t say I’d ever turn to him when in dire need of help. He didn’t get invited to my sister’s wedding, he hasn’t met her husband, and I see him mainly because I feel…you guessed it, GUILTY. There’s all sorts of family drama and dynamics that help explain that one, but that’s not my point right now. Back to the email. Yesterday, the Monday morning after the biggest professional tournament of the year, my father emails me asking for a “favor.” Long story short, his friends needs help with his order that went wrong. (Can I just say here that somedays I think everyone knows I will do anything to help them out and most days I can’t say “no;” a real flaw, I know.) So I stop working on my stuff to take a look and try and sort things out and help. Well, I’m not going to lie, he was overstepping his boundaries and asking me to do something for someone who wasn’t him and for me to overstep my position. And on a busy monday, it was frustrating. So I stupidly vented to my mom. A nice 7 lined text followed by a “sorry for the Monday vent.” She got it and said he was wrong and it was done. Until I got said email today, from him, apologizing for overstepping. Now most people would be great with that. But all I feel is guilt because I know my mom told my dad it was wrong. And then he apologized. Trust me…down the way we will get into the parental drama and such. But I feel bad my Dad got yelled at because of me.

There is a lot of guilt I have around my family. When my Mom is feeling down and wants me to visit and it’s a 6 hour one way drive and a weekend at the beach with friends just seems easier than taking a day off work to spend half a day in the car. Ugh even typing that makes me want to erase it because I feel bad saying it! It’s nothing new for people to experience these emotions or feelings. But I need to realize I am solely in charge of myself and I need to stop letting others make me feel a way I don’t want to feel. I can’t please everyone. I need to continue to work on my own happiness.

I don’t have the answers. And sadly, I’m running out on my hours in the day. So with that I leave you. Do more of what makes you happy. Don’t give an eff what the others think. Be unapologetically you!

xox.

 

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