One of the biggest reasons I wanted to start writing again was to hope to cope with some internal issues that have seemed to flare up. Mainly my body image issues as well as my negative internal voices.
I work in a position where I am in the public eye. I’m not a trained actor. No one has ever really taught me how to do my make up or hair or speak correctly or what not. But I have personality and I smile big and I love what I do. I’m on social media and youtube and my face and body is out there. So today when I got the comment, “She’s ugly as hell” it hit me hard. Like the rest of them.
All week I have been happy and feeling pretty good about myself…but in that instance when I received that message, I was quickly reminded how ugly, fat, dumb, pathetic, gross, etc. I am. While everyone reminds me “that’s not real, that’s not the truth,” I beg to differ. My boss pulled me aside to let me know he could tell the hateful comments have been getting to me. Yep. They have. Sadly in that moment as I fought the tears back, I realized why they get to me more than anyone else…because I believe them to be true. It might as well be one of the voices saying it to me. As my boss explained how much he sees I have changed physically over the past 3 years and how I work harder than anyone he knows and am in better shape than 90% of the world, it’s so hard to pat myself on my back for that…I mean, I’m just trying to be better each day. While I realize I’m so far from perfect, some days I just want to be done with the day and have someone tell me I’m beautiful and perfect just the way I am.
Why?! Why can’t I love myself? Why can’t I get there? I have hours of greatness — where I feel completely in control of who I am and love *almost* every ounce of her. I look at people and wish I had their confidence or ego even. Why do I believe them? I have friends tell me I’m one of the most beautiful people inside and out and all I feel is that I’m one of the most broken people. I talk about embracing the “glorious mess” that I am, but it’s hard. I mean, I embrace it 100% but somedays that consists on dealing with some self hate.
I’m not actually looking for answers because at the end of the day I know I need to work on these things. And I do. And I have. And I know no one can love me enough for me to love me. But I just wonder if it will ever happen?
And on the complete opposite side of the coin, people that go out of their way to be mean, hateful, and plain rude are assholes. What makes you feel the need to RUIN someone else’s day? Newsflash, we are people. It effects us. It hurts. Shut the fuck up and don’t say anything if you don’t have something nice to say. And while you’re at it, send me your Mom’s phone number or email so I can call her up and see if she taught you that or if you’re just a royal jerk.
And with that, I’m off to spend an evening with my ladies, let go of all the bullshit and hate swimming in my head and enjoy the evening.