i am a strong woman.
physically. emotionally. spiritually.
if you asked me to list adjectives to describe me, STRONG would be in the top five.
i’m 5’11. i work out a lot. i have a big personality. i’m opinionated.
so when i tell you that i’ve been in a physically abusive relationship, that should shock you.
and sadly, i still don’t even know how to talk about it.
thanks to a little alcohol, i’ve slowly, one year or so later, opened up to some of my closest friends about being physically abused by my ex.
it rained today. and we planned to go wine tasting. just like we had that day…months ago. when i was dating him. when i loved him. when he was the center of my world. when he slammed me to the ground and i rose bleeding. and with tears in my eyes and a laugh in my voice and i convinced him it wasn’t his fault. it was definitely his fault. to this day, i can’t say that out loud. why? why do i blame myself. for being clumsy or my stupid shoes…why can’t i just admit it was him and his doing. and he knew it. and thats why he continued to freak out about it. the scar on my knee will forever be there thanks to my ex.
and that night we broke up. when the police came. when he put his hands on me. when i had to cover the bruises for the week to follow. and when he claimed to not even realize he touched me let alone hurt me.
how was i that girl? that woman? the strong female who was in a situation where a man could physically hurt her? i hate that part about me. i hate him. but i still hate that there was some part of me that loved such a person who could do that to me. someone who could tear down every ounce of me and make me insanely vulnerable to the point where they could actually hurt me.
to this day one of my biggest regrets is not reporting him to the police. when i sat there crying, bawling to the police and spelling my last name, i absolutely hate that I didn’t turn him in then and there. i hate that three days later when i was covering the bruises that i didn’t turn him in. i hate that about myself. and i hate that about him. and hopefully for my sake, i get over that. but i promise you and me that will never ever happen again.
in working on moving past this and forgiving myself, i will be volunteering for a group that helps with domestic and sexual assault. i couldn’t be more excited to get started as i think i need to feel good in my soul over this and start mending the past.