anxiety.

my anxiety is through the roof this week.

i can’t breathe. i can’t catch my breathe. i haven’t felt this way in years.

and i don’t know what is causing it.

forever ago (ok, 4 or 5 years ago) I knew what was causing it. I was lost. I didn’t have a job. I was stuck. I thought there was no way out. I was fat. I hated myself. I wasn’t happy. That all lead to my anxiety, which, granted I didn’t realize was actually anxiety until I finally did realize it was just that.

So what’s wrong with me now?! I’m not quite sure.

Today it hit me that, I may in fact, HATE THE HOLIDAYS. I repeat, HATE THE HOLIDAYS. Yes. This girl who prides herself on being holly jolly every november might just hate the holdidays. At least for this year.

How did I get here? Well…maybe it started when my sister, (my best friend) kicked me out of her house and berated me saying I was no longer welcome in her home. To which she later apologized and realized how wrong she was which was too little too late since I already had been swiftly kicked into a pretty solid depressive state. So it may be ironic (or not so much) that since that day I just haven’t been myself and just can’t seem to catch my breath.

And then maybe it’s the fact that every human I know is suddenly coupled up and can’t do anything without their significant other. Making me the 3rd, 5th, 7th, 1111th wheel in every situation.

So when I spent two hours venting to my mom about “life” and explaining how I am just frustrated with people, she told me “welcome to adulthood.” and that couldn’t be more true. Lately everyone makes jokes about adulating. But at 33, I’m f**king sick and tired of fake people, and people, and dumb people and all of the above and I’m done trying to be nice or fit in. So yes, I am actively working on saying NO to things that don’t provide me with ultimate happiness. If you happen to leave me feeling sad about myself, NO i’m sorry, I will no longer be spending time with you,

And so, after 32 christmas’ in this life…my mother gave me some great perspective after I told her how hard I am trying to get in the festive mood…”It’s ok not to feel super festive. some years it just isn’t there. and that’s ok.”

So, this year, I’m just not so festive. it’s december 10th and despite decorating and shopping and wearing my christmas tee…I’m still not feeling the christmas spirit. and that’s ok. i think. at least it is this year for me.

and in the mean time, i hope my soul settles and sorts itself out. as much as i wish everything was rainbows and butterflys, there’s a reason why it isn’t always that way, and when it comes back, that makes it even more worthwhile. so until then, i will persevere and toward for better days.

xox.

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