what if…

so, i’m on my yoga journey! i’ve committed to yoga…for a few reasons…but the real reason i keep going is because of the mental work. it’s so just what i need.

don’t get me wrong, i desperately need the physical work too. give me weights to push around in the gym all day, and i will…but make me hold myself up in a position relying on my shoulders and stiff legs and breathe to get me through…that’s a whole other story.

i want to write more on yoga so far, but wanted to just jott some stuff down before calling it a night…every class i am reminded to be grateful and appreciative for my body and it’s ability to move. and that each day presents us with different challenges and nothing is ever the same day to day. and where you are at (in life or yoga) should never be a way to judge or compare…because your journey is your own and no one elses. ok we know these things…but why is it so much more powerful through yoga?!

as we closed out class, i was reminded going into savasana to “let go of any thoughts that don’t serve me for the best.” and it made me think, most of the voices in my head are a$$holes. but what if they got quiet? what if i stopped listening to them? what if i quieted them to let the beautiful voice be the only thing i hear? what if that is the thing holding me back and something so simple can dramatically change my world. they say “change your thoughts and your world will change.” can you imagine…when life is already good, how much better can it get when you shut off those voices that constantly pull you down and make you feel bad.

somedays i think i secretly enjoy the a$$hole voice in the back of my head. but, like my life, i am trying not to make the same mistakes that i’ve mad in the past — trying not to end up with the abusive, narcissists…i think it’s time to break up with that a$$hole voice for ever. it’s kind of weird to have clinged to such negative thoughts for so much of my life…like ALL of it. i don’t even know how to be without putting myself down or telling myself i could do better, work harder, be more disciplined…but maybe it’s time to try. really try. really shut the negative sh*t out. really find a way to deal with it when it does come up.

so i will continue to work on my yoga and centering my mind and body and appreciating all my little flaws. after all, that’s what i continually am asking for in my soul mate — for someone who loves me for me, and loves my flaws and pushes me to be my best while they feel inspired and encouraged by me to be their best. couldn’t hurt.

here goes nothing…namaste.

c2255add0872a22723e2f7843f4aa6e0--yoga-teacher-quotes-quotes-yoga

xox.

honest conversations.

so lately i have been finding myself having honest conversations.

i am not sure what spurred it or when it came about, but i’ve noticed the last few people i’ve had a chat with, whether i know them well or not, i’ve been honest and open about life. it’s insanely refreshing. i feel like opening up about sh*t and not feeling like it’s taboo or you have to hide it in the corners of your head, releases that control it has over you.

just this week i opened up about the battle i had with depression and anxiety. and how life worked itself out and how i changed because of it and it triggered so much real talk. and it gave people who have gone through something similar to pipe up and say, “me too.” it gave us a connection. people who seemingly would have nothing in common, instantly shared a life issue.

i’m tired of hiding my past. it’s made me into who i am. it’s made me resilient and strong and forced me to fight for something better. i don’t need to play the victim. it happened. it’s a great comeback story. sometimes life sucks, but i promise it gets better. it isn’t always rainbows and butterflies, but when the first glimmer of sun shines out, you learn to be grateful like never before.

so i’ll keep this short but sweet, but be real, be honest. we’re all going through things and somedays, you’ll be surprised at the people who will understand more than anyone else. give people a chance to show up for you. be open about who you are. let life surprise you every once in a while.

xox.

to whom it may concern,

*needs editing*

something came up the past couple weeks that have caused me to take a look back. while i’m all about living in the present and moving forward, some scandal has broken from my old place of employment. it’s brought a bit of anxiety to me this week so i thought maybe writing a bit may ease the uneasiness of it all. so here we go…

dear lobo fans,

i wish i were writing this letter to assure you the athletic administration always had the best intentions of their student athletes in mind. but i can’t say that.

you may not know my name. or remember me. but i can tell you i was a part of one of the more successful teams at UNM. my time in Albuquerque and at UNM as a student athlete helped shape who I have become. Finishing my time as a top 25 D1 athlete only made me realize how much being on a team meant to me, and in turn helped me realize my passion for coaching. I ended up back at my alma mater 4 years later and couldn’t have been more excited to pour my heart and soul back into the Lobos.

my 3 years as a coach at UNM were 3 of the hardest years of my life. leading up to the hardest year i have had to date, and hopefully the hardest one I’ll ever have to speak of again.

what can i tell you about the leadership in athletics? they lacked leadership. they lacked morals. they lacked passion. i remember looking forward to monthly staff meetings just hoping to seep up any of the passion and talent that lied in those four walls of Tow Diehm. Just patiently waiting to hear one of the big coaches speak and learn his ways. i was enamored with the staff and just wanted to be better and be respected as a coach, not asked what year i was on the team.

so i did what any young, eager coach would do. i spent every hour devoted to my team. invested in being better, trying harder, working longer.

my girls quickly became my family, my world. i hated living in albuquerque but convinced myself day in and day out i was “living my dream.” after a year of no leadership and an embaressing season, i sent myself to coaching conferences. i made contacts and learned. i was a sponge. i wanted to know it all. i wanted to be the best. i wanted to recruit better and motivate more and figure out how to do it all, and i certainly wasn’t learning that at unm. i’d cry everytime i had to return to abq and reassured myself it was all part of life. and with the more i hated it, the more i latched on to becoming the best and creating a successful team.

i had no mentors. i had no advice. i had no leadership. but i had heart and passion and absolute love for all things lobos. and i had a moral compass. i became the “bad guy” in the coaching duo. the tough one. the one who made the team have consequences and run.

after 3 years, i couldn’t bite my tongue any more. i had butt heads in more ways than one with my boss and things weren’t moving forward. i, and many others, lost respect for the head coach. and before the season was over, he was fired. allowing me to wrap up the season as interim head coach.

what came next still boggles my mind and only speaks to a tiny bit on how the administration operated. i was lied to. i was manipulated. and i was destroyed.

an AD who no longer works at the school and was embezzling money (funny how that works), told me i “owed” it to my team as a coach as an alumni and as a member of the community to hand over EVERYTHING on my team. every detail. and it was imperative to the resigning of my contract. so i did what any naive young coach that had dreams of being a head coach would do…i gave them everything. Every detail i knew, it was written down in ten pages of notes on my girls…my family…the ins and outs of the young women i had so diligently gotten to know, i gave them the secret key to all of them.

a week later i was on vacation in Italy and received an email telling me my contract would not be resigned. i no longer worked at unm. they hired a new coach and she would not be taking me on.

i returned to UNM flabbergasted. i trusted no one. no one reached out to me. i was let go by a new hire, a coach who had not even been a college coach. let go by a school who i gave everything to. the following summer only got worst. i had luckily already lined up a summer of teaching camps at a fellow Mountain West School that treated me as good as one of their own, much better than i was ever treated at UNM. i spent the summer applying to every coaching gig under the sun. and i was doing well. but always coming in 2nd. we loved you but…it was between you and him but…UNM had black listed my name. UNM destroyed me. UNM took my dreams and made sure they no longer existed.

i couldn’t believe the school i was so in love with could do what they did. the months to follow were some of the worst i’ve ever experienced. now here’s where it makes sense for me. i selfishly have to thank UNM and Mr. Cass for the blessing in disguise because in my turmoil, i was on my way to slowly finding my true dream job. i currently live in a small town in California that is known to be the happiest place on earth with a total number of residences similar to the size of students at UNM. my new job and town has taken me in as a family member in a way UNM never could.

to hear all this crap unfold at UNM doesn’t surprise me. but it makes me sick. sick because i was too naive at the time to realize all the immoral, pathetic people walking around like their shit didn’t stink at south campus. sick because every person who mysteriously left clearly was involved in something illegal or some sort of embezzlement or violation. sick because i made sure to comply with EVERY rule while the administration was acting like assholes. sick because krebs cut one of the most successful teams at UNM but had no problem spending loads of cash on golf trips.

as an alumni and former coach, i want nothing to do with UNM. i used to wear my lobo gear with pride. now, i’ve given it all away or thrown it in the trash.

i pray someone with a backbone turns some things around…

smitten.

there are some things about me you should know. when i fall, i fall fast. i don’t really do the whole dating thing, my relationships usually go from first date to relationship real fast. and i’ve been in a serious love drought since my last relationship over a year ago.

so when i saw him on saturday, i sort of knew i might be in trouble. but played it off like i normally do while observing from just far enough away.

in the past, i’ve been one to force relationships. force a connection. force a conversation.

so when the chemistry between us was overflowing on saturday evening and i leaned over and kissed him and he kissed me right back, a little fire in my heart ignited. the rest of the evening was much of the same. canoodling, flirting, kissing. but knowing the flirtation could be blamed on the wine, it was left right there. instead of trying to track him down the next day, i let it be and reminded myself, if he wants to talk to me, he will. hours later i found he had messaged me that morning 🙂

since then i’ve been a bit smitten. a little giddy chatting back and forth with this new guy. half of me wants to hold on tight and wants him to be mine for the summer…half of me says let go and stop. and then there’s a part of me that hopes he continues to pursue me and makes it simple on me.

either way, even if it was just for a few days, it felt nice to be wanted again.

xox.

when it all makes sense.

This week, in a word, was amazing. This week I fell back in love with my life. Not that I was out of love with it or anything like that, but this was one of those weeks that reminded me I’m exactly where I’m meant to be doing what I’m meant to do and loving every minute of it.

Sometimes you have those weeks and just want to stop time and hold on tight to a moment because everything seems right and you don’t even want to waste a tiny second on wondering if and when it will stop feeling this perfect.

This week I felt empowered. I felt beautiful. I felt strong. I took steps forward with work. I was acknowledged and complimented by friends and colleagues. I laughed. I worked out. I kissed a man. I drank wine. I stayed up way too late. I went to bed early. I woke up earlier than normal. I met new people. I splurged on myself. I challenged myself. I pushed myself. I kept secrets. I chatted with friends. It was a good week.

I wish I could capture this feeling and remember it when I’m down. And use it to motivate myself to keep being better and stronger and remind myself to never settle but for the right things.

And here’s to many more of only the best weeks to come.

xox

your opinion of me.

i wish i could get on my soap box and preach that your opinion of me doesn’t matter to me. it shouldn’t. but it does.

i know, i know…no one’s opinion of me should change how i think or act or what i do or make me feel better or worst about myself. but come on. we all know it effects us a little here and there.

one of my biggest goals is to let go of what people think of me. and i go through phases where i really am good about letting it go and not giving a sh*t. but i also go through phases where i am obsessed with what people think or say about me.

and it makes no sense, but lately the positive comments have had negative effects on me.

recently, i got some positive feedback on my physical appearance. now, mind you, i’m no stranger to comments about my body. however, most of the time they are incredibly hurtful and negative. while those ones always sting, it’s been over 10 years of having people talk about my physical appearance in a negative way, so it’s become something i just get upset about and move on. don’t get me wrong, that shit hurts and i remember most of the bad ones, but i guess me being me has come to realize it happens and people are assholes.

however, it wasn’t until i got some positive comments on my physical appearance that i realized…it’s none of your damn business what i look like. after reading through some comments, from men nonetheless, about me looking fit and like i’ve dropped weight, i initially was proud…and then my head started processing it all…so i looked like a fat hippo to you before now? they asked how my workouts had changed and all i wanted to say was, “they haven’t. i work my ass off day in and day out and have been doing so for the past 3 years.” I wanted to say, “I’ve never actually looked like this in my life…and i’m 34 and a has been top athlete and i’ve never worked this hard in my life.” I wanted to say, “i am in the gym sweating 5 or 6 days a week. running 4 or 5 days a week. hiking. playing tennis. sprinting. and trying to keep my body glued together between all that.” i wanted to say i’m one of the hardest workers you’ll ever meet. but i didn’t. i didn’t say anything. because they don’t understand and they don’t know me…and they don’t realize how their comments on what i look like actually sent me deeper into an obsessiveness i pretend to have control over.

a week later, i found myself binging and eating uncontrollably. and all i kept thinking was, “shit. they’re going to watch the video from this week and remind me i’m actually a cow. and ask how did i put 20 lbs on so fast.” i went through a week where i wasn’t motivated and couldn’t discipline my diet. it went straight to my head. and i hate it. i had just come off about a month of avoiding added sugar in anything and i kept starting my new count over every other day because i couldn’t help from shoving sugar in my mouth.  call it sabotage. call it being human. call it what you want, but it really messed with me.

so this week, i snapped it back into gear. but i consciously am realizing how with each day, the more obsessed i am becoming with my workouts. i freak out on the inside if i am not sure i can get a full hour in the gym. this morning i ran 5.5 miles, played 90 mins of tennis and went to the gym for an hour. and i still feel like it wasn’t enough. i’m back on the discipline train with my eating (I’ve NEVER been good with the whole moderation thing…most things in my life are all or nothing…food has kind of been that way too). tomorrow will be day 3 of no added sugar and i set some goals for the end of the month to keep me on track.

so as i try to add some sort of balance into my life again…i also will be working on not letting people’s thoughts about me effect me deep down. because for my own health, i need to be ok knowing at the end of the day, i did everything i could to be the best version of me and have the best day…and somedays that might mean skipping the gym or eating a cupcake…or running 6 miles before work and following it with leg day…just as long as i’m doing it for me, it will be ok.

oxnard.

i’ve been fighting these words and feeling these feelings. but maybe it’s time to write them down.

last week, my sister and i got in a fight. a big fight. a fight that left me heart broken. and confused. and hurt.

most of the time, i’m the first to apologize. maybe it’s the older sister in me. or the fear of someone hating me. or the fact that i hate unresolved issues. like the time she lost it and threw me out of her house. i was the first to say something. i poured my heart out to her. yet here we are. 4 months later. and i feel the same all over again. but i know i did nothing wrong. and this time instead of sweeping it away and pretending it’s ok…i am looking out for me.

my heart hurts. after this fight i realized it was identical to almost every break up i’ve had. how sad and devastating is that? i blame myself for a lot. and that’s just what she’s doing…blaming me for things i have no control over.

but it doesn’t effect her like it effects me. it doesn’t send her in a down whirl spiral. it doesn’t cause her to beat herself up…mentally and physically. it doesn’t cause her to hate what she sees in the mirror — on the inside and the out. to have a voice inside berate her…to feel like the most disgusting human being…to feel like an ugly, disgusting person. to want to run away…to anywhere else. to fuck everything and be mad at the world. to not want to have to fake a smile. no. she doesn’t get it.

and i’ve been avoiding writing it or dealing with it. because honestly, i never have. because my fear of losing my sister is bigger. because i let it go. me and my big mouth let what is bothering me the most go. and she forgets what she said, how she acted and what she did and begins complaining about the next thing.

i won’t let people like that in my world. i can’t let her continue to do this. and i know she doesn’t get it. and never will. and it hurts too that she doesn’t try.

and what am i to do. i don’t like the way she treats me when he’s around. i don’t like how she treats me like i’m not as good as her…i don’t like how she’s so defensive…i don’t like how she goes from zero to sixty instead of being rational. and i don’t know how to move forward with her this time.

#34

today was a good day.

i’m not going to lie, i was terrified of the next number in my life…34…i mean, it’s literally the mid-30s. and in case anyone is playing along, i’m still figuring out this whole life thing out.

sure, i have the basics set. but no, i’m not married (hah i’m actually very single…and very ok with it!). i don’t own a home. i don’t have kids (and i’m not sure i want them either).

but guess what? i love where i live. i adore my job. i have met some amazing people. i continue to get stronger — mentally and physically. i keep meeting people who are the sorts of people i want in my life. 90% of the time, i love every minute of my day. i have a great relationship with my mom and sister. i continue to set goals and work on knocking them down. i’m healthier and fitter than i have ever been in more ways than one. and i’m working on loving me.

i’d say that’s more than most people have going for them.

today i took a walk with some amazing ladies. one of them told me how 34 was her best year. how she felt the most empowered and strongest and owned her life at that age. it made me hopeful. and by the way things went today, i think i’m off to a good start. i think 34 will be good. i know i have more to grow and learn and experience and i’m looking forward to the knowledge and eagerness i can bring to each new experience.

keep moving, keep growing, keep pushing through obstacles, keep evolving,

34…let’s do this!

life is a motherf*cking balance.

when i finally write my book, that will be the name of it.

life is a motherf*cking balance.

there isn’t a week that goes by that those words don’t come out of my mouth. ok, well not the “motherf*cking” part but you get my jist.

ironically, i didn’t always believe that though.

let’s backtrack.

back in…let’s see, 2010…maybe 2011. i asked my boss if i could go to a women’s coaching conference. what’s crazy about my memory, i remember so many things SO VIVIDLY, but there are so many things i have no recollection of…so i can’t even remember where this conference was held, but i remember so many parts of it so clear. i made so many fabulous connections and was able to vent. i was stuck in a coaching career which i “loved.” hah…apparently i didn’t know what love was back then. i had done an amazing job of convincing myself and EVERYONE around me and in my life that i LOVED my job…my career! my life.

here’s the truth. i was miserable. i had a boss i didn’t respect (for a 100 reasons, but mainly because he didn’t have a backbone). i didn’t have friends. i had NO life outside of my job. my success was based on the performance of 8-10 18-22 year olds on any given day. i wanted to be a head coach but didn’t have the experience. i wanted friends but didn’t have them. i stopped working on me. i was fat and overweight and out of shape. i rewarded myself with food. i loved to travel because there was nothing else i had to look forward to. i cried anytime i had to go back to work. things weren’t great folks. but i grinned and smiled through it all and did a convincingly amazing job relaying the message: “i love being a college coach! i was born to do this!”

so back to this conference. i learned so much and used it to fuel my plans to become a head coach somewhere. anywhere! however there was one day where we all picked phrases/words and had to talk about how they related to our life. when i closed my eyes to choose and open them, i frowned a bit when i saw, “life is a balance” starring back at me. at this point in my life, life was NOT a balance. my life revolved around work. and i LOVED it (please note that is said dripping with sarcasm!). i sat there trying to explain how this phrase mattered to me…”um i mean, i guess this is good because i work too much and don’t really have a life out of coaching. my friends are other coaches…and they are scattered across the country and i see them maybe 4 times a year at tournaments, dual matches and recruiting trips…so yea, i need to balance my life.” I said it with a smile trying to convince myself more than anyone else in the room.

well…aside from learning how to be a badass coach, mentor, manager, human that weekend, i got working on finding new spots for me to thrive. applying for jobs anywhere…everywhere…literally EVERYWHERE. i knew a new start would open up this “balance” i needed in my life. let’s just say what’s to follow is a whole chapter (or book!) of its own…but life doesn’t always work out the way we planned it (speaking of mantras, i remember once being told, “sometimes dreams change, and that’s ok” — another one i had to relearn once it applied to my life).

so after leaving the university i poured my heart and soul and LIFE into for 3 years, i ended up going back to california. i think this is what they call “hitting rock bottom.”

yea. i did that. let’s skip the middle part because again…different chapters.

and let’s come back to present day. life is a BALANCE.

would you believe i still have those words and see them every morning and every night?! would you believe it if i told you they mean more to me ever today than they ever did previously?

this week is national eating disorder awareness. sadly, my eating hasn’t been the only spot where i’ve needed balance. when i was 16-18, i spent hours training and consumed maybe 800 calories on a good day…or binged on cookie dough. i was the smallest i’d ever been. and then college came. and while i was a top d1 athlete, by my senior year i had managed to gain 20 lbs. and then i had nothing to work for. i wasn’t able to turn pro due to financial reasons. i had “nothing to train for.” so i didn’t. and years passed. and pounds packed on. and one day i was 28 and in a relationship with a man who told me i needed to go to the gym because i was fat. and i was depressed and not happy. and life blessed me with what at the time felt like a dagger but in all honesty was probably the BEST thing that ever could have happened.

i went home to california. i was depressed. i hated myself. i cried a lot. i yelled. i sulked. i applied for jobs. but i started working out again. i slowly started working on me. and i got into it. and i ate healthier. and i educated myself. and i learned. and while i was sad, it was something else to focus on.

and finally life turned around. i moved to the central coast. i found an actual dream job in the city i had always dreamed of living.

and i turned 30.

i began learning what a balance in life was. a little work, a little fun, a little sweat, a little play, a little here and there. time with friends, time on my own. running, lifting, tennis, off days. life became a balance. to this day, my life is a motherf*cking balance 🙂 of juggling me!

while every day i still struggle and deal with disordered eating, i’ve slowly gotten more comfortable with food and the balance of it all. somedays (like today) i run 6 miles and go to the gym and eat salads and chicken…and somedays i take a day off and enjoy wine and a bite (or 15) of cake. life is a balance.

and on that note, as much as i want to keep babbling on…i have to meet friends for dinner because yep, you guessed it…life is a balance. work hard, play hard…love the life you live.

xox

i’ll figure it out.

it’s been a tough week.

why? i’m not sure. i’d love to pinpoint what triggered it all. but somedays when you know what it’s like to feel completely down on yourself and depressed, it’s easy to get back there. and that’s what has happened.

i had an awesome weekend. fun with friends. time to myself. a long run. wine. i couldn’t ask for a better weekend! then the week started, and i let people who don’t matter bug me, and started worrying about what people think of me, and suddenly the voices crept back into my head. “you’re pathetic. and fat. and slow. and you suck at life. why do you even bother. you’re ugly. and your clothes don’t look good on you…” yea, i think you get the picture.

sadly, when it gets all the way to that point, it’s hard to escape. the tears are on the verge. the hate builds. and all of a sudden there is so much pain, you would do anything to stop it because you actually cannot stand the person you are in that moment. it’s hard to explain to someone who’s never experienced it. to explain to another human that you actually don’t like yourself, at all, in that moment — whether it be for an hour or a day or a week, or worst yet, a year. i know this feeling all to well. i’ve fled from this feeling. i used to live in this feeling. so seeing it come back this week was not something i wanted to deal with.

i don’t expect anyone to get it actually. lately people have been bothering me. somedays it’s like high school all over again. i like being an individual. and the people i spend my time with when i’m not at work are people i value and love and more importantly, people that understand who i am. but lately i feel like my life is on display for people to watch and critique. and i wish i didn’t care.

i was hoping to vent it all out tonight. but i will leave it here. somedays i worry when blogging on my actual thoughts and experiences hinders me as i have a constant fear of someone i don’t want to read my words, reading my words. it happens constantly on my instagram and facebook. i love to express myself on other avenues and i can be transparent and real on my instagram. however, lately i’ve found people are watching me, not liking or interacting with me, but talking about me or using that as ammo as if they “know” me and my life…i love trying to convey positive messages or reach out for support when i am struggling. but when people see what i’m doing and think they know me, or judge me, or are convinced they know what’s going on without ever consulting me leaves me just a little baffled.

on the positive, this week i had an amazing night with some pretty fabulous ladies. ladies who made me want to be their friends. ladies who struggle but still are strong and put a smile on and work on achieving their goals. ladies who are up before the sun and work hard to leave life better. i am excited to continue to get to know them and am thankful they have come into my life.

and for the rest of the week, i will do my best to turn this around and find the lesson in it all. work on being a better version of myself and work on being nicer to me. i know i need to love myself. it’s been something i’ve needed to work on for years. and i desperately want to get there. it’s tough because after an amazing weekend where i legitimately loved who i was and where i was and who i was with, i somehow spiraled downward the next day for two solid days.

keep on keeping on…i’ll figure it out.

xox