to whom it may concern,

*needs editing*

something came up the past couple weeks that have caused me to take a look back. while i’m all about living in the present and moving forward, some scandal has broken from my old place of employment. it’s brought a bit of anxiety to me this week so i thought maybe writing a bit may ease the uneasiness of it all. so here we go…

dear lobo fans,

i wish i were writing this letter to assure you the athletic administration always had the best intentions of their student athletes in mind. but i can’t say that.

you may not know my name. or remember me. but i can tell you i was a part of one of the more successful teams at UNM. my time in Albuquerque and at UNM as a student athlete helped shape who I have become. Finishing my time as a top 25 D1 athlete only made me realize how much being on a team meant to me, and in turn helped me realize my passion for coaching. I ended up back at my alma mater 4 years later and couldn’t have been more excited to pour my heart and soul back into the Lobos.

my 3 years as a coach at UNM were 3 of the hardest years of my life. leading up to the hardest year i have had to date, and hopefully the hardest one I’ll ever have to speak of again.

what can i tell you about the leadership in athletics? they lacked leadership. they lacked morals. they lacked passion. i remember looking forward to monthly staff meetings just hoping to seep up any of the passion and talent that lied in those four walls of Tow Diehm. Just patiently waiting to hear one of the big coaches speak and learn his ways. i was enamored with the staff and just wanted to be better and be respected as a coach, not asked what year i was on the team.

so i did what any young, eager coach would do. i spent every hour devoted to my team. invested in being better, trying harder, working longer.

my girls quickly became my family, my world. i hated living in albuquerque but convinced myself day in and day out i was “living my dream.” after a year of no leadership and an embaressing season, i sent myself to coaching conferences. i made contacts and learned. i was a sponge. i wanted to know it all. i wanted to be the best. i wanted to recruit better and motivate more and figure out how to do it all, and i certainly wasn’t learning that at unm. i’d cry everytime i had to return to abq and reassured myself it was all part of life. and with the more i hated it, the more i latched on to becoming the best and creating a successful team.

i had no mentors. i had no advice. i had no leadership. but i had heart and passion and absolute love for all things lobos. and i had a moral compass. i became the “bad guy” in the coaching duo. the tough one. the one who made the team have consequences and run.

after 3 years, i couldn’t bite my tongue any more. i had butt heads in more ways than one with my boss and things weren’t moving forward. i, and many others, lost respect for the head coach. and before the season was over, he was fired. allowing me to wrap up the season as interim head coach.

what came next still boggles my mind and only speaks to a tiny bit on how the administration operated. i was lied to. i was manipulated. and i was destroyed.

an AD who no longer works at the school and was embezzling money (funny how that works), told me i “owed” it to my team as a coach as an alumni and as a member of the community to hand over EVERYTHING on my team. every detail. and it was imperative to the resigning of my contract. so i did what any naive young coach that had dreams of being a head coach would do…i gave them everything. Every detail i knew, it was written down in ten pages of notes on my girls…my family…the ins and outs of the young women i had so diligently gotten to know, i gave them the secret key to all of them.

a week later i was on vacation in Italy and received an email telling me my contract would not be resigned. i no longer worked at unm. they hired a new coach and she would not be taking me on.

i returned to UNM flabbergasted. i trusted no one. no one reached out to me. i was let go by a new hire, a coach who had not even been a college coach. let go by a school who i gave everything to. the following summer only got worst. i had luckily already lined up a summer of teaching camps at a fellow Mountain West School that treated me as good as one of their own, much better than i was ever treated at UNM. i spent the summer applying to every coaching gig under the sun. and i was doing well. but always coming in 2nd. we loved you but…it was between you and him but…UNM had black listed my name. UNM destroyed me. UNM took my dreams and made sure they no longer existed.

i couldn’t believe the school i was so in love with could do what they did. the months to follow were some of the worst i’ve ever experienced. now here’s where it makes sense for me. i selfishly have to thank UNM and Mr. Cass for the blessing in disguise because in my turmoil, i was on my way to slowly finding my true dream job. i currently live in a small town in California that is known to be the happiest place on earth with a total number of residences similar to the size of students at UNM. my new job and town has taken me in as a family member in a way UNM never could.

to hear all this crap unfold at UNM doesn’t surprise me. but it makes me sick. sick because i was too naive at the time to realize all the immoral, pathetic people walking around like their shit didn’t stink at south campus. sick because every person who mysteriously left clearly was involved in something illegal or some sort of embezzlement or violation. sick because i made sure to comply with EVERY rule while the administration was acting like assholes. sick because krebs cut one of the most successful teams at UNM but had no problem spending loads of cash on golf trips.

as an alumni and former coach, i want nothing to do with UNM. i used to wear my lobo gear with pride. now, i’ve given it all away or thrown it in the trash.

i pray someone with a backbone turns some things around…

smitten.

there are some things about me you should know. when i fall, i fall fast. i don’t really do the whole dating thing, my relationships usually go from first date to relationship real fast. and i’ve been in a serious love drought since my last relationship over a year ago.

so when i saw him on saturday, i sort of knew i might be in trouble. but played it off like i normally do while observing from just far enough away.

in the past, i’ve been one to force relationships. force a connection. force a conversation.

so when the chemistry between us was overflowing on saturday evening and i leaned over and kissed him and he kissed me right back, a little fire in my heart ignited. the rest of the evening was much of the same. canoodling, flirting, kissing. but knowing the flirtation could be blamed on the wine, it was left right there. instead of trying to track him down the next day, i let it be and reminded myself, if he wants to talk to me, he will. hours later i found he had messaged me that morning 🙂

since then i’ve been a bit smitten. a little giddy chatting back and forth with this new guy. half of me wants to hold on tight and wants him to be mine for the summer…half of me says let go and stop. and then there’s a part of me that hopes he continues to pursue me and makes it simple on me.

either way, even if it was just for a few days, it felt nice to be wanted again.

xox.

when it all makes sense.

This week, in a word, was amazing. This week I fell back in love with my life. Not that I was out of love with it or anything like that, but this was one of those weeks that reminded me I’m exactly where I’m meant to be doing what I’m meant to do and loving every minute of it.

Sometimes you have those weeks and just want to stop time and hold on tight to a moment because everything seems right and you don’t even want to waste a tiny second on wondering if and when it will stop feeling this perfect.

This week I felt empowered. I felt beautiful. I felt strong. I took steps forward with work. I was acknowledged and complimented by friends and colleagues. I laughed. I worked out. I kissed a man. I drank wine. I stayed up way too late. I went to bed early. I woke up earlier than normal. I met new people. I splurged on myself. I challenged myself. I pushed myself. I kept secrets. I chatted with friends. It was a good week.

I wish I could capture this feeling and remember it when I’m down. And use it to motivate myself to keep being better and stronger and remind myself to never settle but for the right things.

And here’s to many more of only the best weeks to come.

xox

your opinion of me.

i wish i could get on my soap box and preach that your opinion of me doesn’t matter to me. it shouldn’t. but it does.

i know, i know…no one’s opinion of me should change how i think or act or what i do or make me feel better or worst about myself. but come on. we all know it effects us a little here and there.

one of my biggest goals is to let go of what people think of me. and i go through phases where i really am good about letting it go and not giving a sh*t. but i also go through phases where i am obsessed with what people think or say about me.

and it makes no sense, but lately the positive comments have had negative effects on me.

recently, i got some positive feedback on my physical appearance. now, mind you, i’m no stranger to comments about my body. however, most of the time they are incredibly hurtful and negative. while those ones always sting, it’s been over 10 years of having people talk about my physical appearance in a negative way, so it’s become something i just get upset about and move on. don’t get me wrong, that shit hurts and i remember most of the bad ones, but i guess me being me has come to realize it happens and people are assholes.

however, it wasn’t until i got some positive comments on my physical appearance that i realized…it’s none of your damn business what i look like. after reading through some comments, from men nonetheless, about me looking fit and like i’ve dropped weight, i initially was proud…and then my head started processing it all…so i looked like a fat hippo to you before now? they asked how my workouts had changed and all i wanted to say was, “they haven’t. i work my ass off day in and day out and have been doing so for the past 3 years.” I wanted to say, “I’ve never actually looked like this in my life…and i’m 34 and a has been top athlete and i’ve never worked this hard in my life.” I wanted to say, “i am in the gym sweating 5 or 6 days a week. running 4 or 5 days a week. hiking. playing tennis. sprinting. and trying to keep my body glued together between all that.” i wanted to say i’m one of the hardest workers you’ll ever meet. but i didn’t. i didn’t say anything. because they don’t understand and they don’t know me…and they don’t realize how their comments on what i look like actually sent me deeper into an obsessiveness i pretend to have control over.

a week later, i found myself binging and eating uncontrollably. and all i kept thinking was, “shit. they’re going to watch the video from this week and remind me i’m actually a cow. and ask how did i put 20 lbs on so fast.” i went through a week where i wasn’t motivated and couldn’t discipline my diet. it went straight to my head. and i hate it. i had just come off about a month of avoiding added sugar in anything and i kept starting my new count over every other day because i couldn’t help from shoving sugar in my mouth.  call it sabotage. call it being human. call it what you want, but it really messed with me.

so this week, i snapped it back into gear. but i consciously am realizing how with each day, the more obsessed i am becoming with my workouts. i freak out on the inside if i am not sure i can get a full hour in the gym. this morning i ran 5.5 miles, played 90 mins of tennis and went to the gym for an hour. and i still feel like it wasn’t enough. i’m back on the discipline train with my eating (I’ve NEVER been good with the whole moderation thing…most things in my life are all or nothing…food has kind of been that way too). tomorrow will be day 3 of no added sugar and i set some goals for the end of the month to keep me on track.

so as i try to add some sort of balance into my life again…i also will be working on not letting people’s thoughts about me effect me deep down. because for my own health, i need to be ok knowing at the end of the day, i did everything i could to be the best version of me and have the best day…and somedays that might mean skipping the gym or eating a cupcake…or running 6 miles before work and following it with leg day…just as long as i’m doing it for me, it will be ok.

oxnard.

i’ve been fighting these words and feeling these feelings. but maybe it’s time to write them down.

last week, my sister and i got in a fight. a big fight. a fight that left me heart broken. and confused. and hurt.

most of the time, i’m the first to apologize. maybe it’s the older sister in me. or the fear of someone hating me. or the fact that i hate unresolved issues. like the time she lost it and threw me out of her house. i was the first to say something. i poured my heart out to her. yet here we are. 4 months later. and i feel the same all over again. but i know i did nothing wrong. and this time instead of sweeping it away and pretending it’s ok…i am looking out for me.

my heart hurts. after this fight i realized it was identical to almost every break up i’ve had. how sad and devastating is that? i blame myself for a lot. and that’s just what she’s doing…blaming me for things i have no control over.

but it doesn’t effect her like it effects me. it doesn’t send her in a down whirl spiral. it doesn’t cause her to beat herself up…mentally and physically. it doesn’t cause her to hate what she sees in the mirror — on the inside and the out. to have a voice inside berate her…to feel like the most disgusting human being…to feel like an ugly, disgusting person. to want to run away…to anywhere else. to fuck everything and be mad at the world. to not want to have to fake a smile. no. she doesn’t get it.

and i’ve been avoiding writing it or dealing with it. because honestly, i never have. because my fear of losing my sister is bigger. because i let it go. me and my big mouth let what is bothering me the most go. and she forgets what she said, how she acted and what she did and begins complaining about the next thing.

i won’t let people like that in my world. i can’t let her continue to do this. and i know she doesn’t get it. and never will. and it hurts too that she doesn’t try.

and what am i to do. i don’t like the way she treats me when he’s around. i don’t like how she treats me like i’m not as good as her…i don’t like how she’s so defensive…i don’t like how she goes from zero to sixty instead of being rational. and i don’t know how to move forward with her this time.

#34

today was a good day.

i’m not going to lie, i was terrified of the next number in my life…34…i mean, it’s literally the mid-30s. and in case anyone is playing along, i’m still figuring out this whole life thing out.

sure, i have the basics set. but no, i’m not married (hah i’m actually very single…and very ok with it!). i don’t own a home. i don’t have kids (and i’m not sure i want them either).

but guess what? i love where i live. i adore my job. i have met some amazing people. i continue to get stronger — mentally and physically. i keep meeting people who are the sorts of people i want in my life. 90% of the time, i love every minute of my day. i have a great relationship with my mom and sister. i continue to set goals and work on knocking them down. i’m healthier and fitter than i have ever been in more ways than one. and i’m working on loving me.

i’d say that’s more than most people have going for them.

today i took a walk with some amazing ladies. one of them told me how 34 was her best year. how she felt the most empowered and strongest and owned her life at that age. it made me hopeful. and by the way things went today, i think i’m off to a good start. i think 34 will be good. i know i have more to grow and learn and experience and i’m looking forward to the knowledge and eagerness i can bring to each new experience.

keep moving, keep growing, keep pushing through obstacles, keep evolving,

34…let’s do this!

life is a motherf*cking balance.

when i finally write my book, that will be the name of it.

life is a motherf*cking balance.

there isn’t a week that goes by that those words don’t come out of my mouth. ok, well not the “motherf*cking” part but you get my jist.

ironically, i didn’t always believe that though.

let’s backtrack.

back in…let’s see, 2010…maybe 2011. i asked my boss if i could go to a women’s coaching conference. what’s crazy about my memory, i remember so many things SO VIVIDLY, but there are so many things i have no recollection of…so i can’t even remember where this conference was held, but i remember so many parts of it so clear. i made so many fabulous connections and was able to vent. i was stuck in a coaching career which i “loved.” hah…apparently i didn’t know what love was back then. i had done an amazing job of convincing myself and EVERYONE around me and in my life that i LOVED my job…my career! my life.

here’s the truth. i was miserable. i had a boss i didn’t respect (for a 100 reasons, but mainly because he didn’t have a backbone). i didn’t have friends. i had NO life outside of my job. my success was based on the performance of 8-10 18-22 year olds on any given day. i wanted to be a head coach but didn’t have the experience. i wanted friends but didn’t have them. i stopped working on me. i was fat and overweight and out of shape. i rewarded myself with food. i loved to travel because there was nothing else i had to look forward to. i cried anytime i had to go back to work. things weren’t great folks. but i grinned and smiled through it all and did a convincingly amazing job relaying the message: “i love being a college coach! i was born to do this!”

so back to this conference. i learned so much and used it to fuel my plans to become a head coach somewhere. anywhere! however there was one day where we all picked phrases/words and had to talk about how they related to our life. when i closed my eyes to choose and open them, i frowned a bit when i saw, “life is a balance” starring back at me. at this point in my life, life was NOT a balance. my life revolved around work. and i LOVED it (please note that is said dripping with sarcasm!). i sat there trying to explain how this phrase mattered to me…”um i mean, i guess this is good because i work too much and don’t really have a life out of coaching. my friends are other coaches…and they are scattered across the country and i see them maybe 4 times a year at tournaments, dual matches and recruiting trips…so yea, i need to balance my life.” I said it with a smile trying to convince myself more than anyone else in the room.

well…aside from learning how to be a badass coach, mentor, manager, human that weekend, i got working on finding new spots for me to thrive. applying for jobs anywhere…everywhere…literally EVERYWHERE. i knew a new start would open up this “balance” i needed in my life. let’s just say what’s to follow is a whole chapter (or book!) of its own…but life doesn’t always work out the way we planned it (speaking of mantras, i remember once being told, “sometimes dreams change, and that’s ok” — another one i had to relearn once it applied to my life).

so after leaving the university i poured my heart and soul and LIFE into for 3 years, i ended up going back to california. i think this is what they call “hitting rock bottom.”

yea. i did that. let’s skip the middle part because again…different chapters.

and let’s come back to present day. life is a BALANCE.

would you believe i still have those words and see them every morning and every night?! would you believe it if i told you they mean more to me ever today than they ever did previously?

this week is national eating disorder awareness. sadly, my eating hasn’t been the only spot where i’ve needed balance. when i was 16-18, i spent hours training and consumed maybe 800 calories on a good day…or binged on cookie dough. i was the smallest i’d ever been. and then college came. and while i was a top d1 athlete, by my senior year i had managed to gain 20 lbs. and then i had nothing to work for. i wasn’t able to turn pro due to financial reasons. i had “nothing to train for.” so i didn’t. and years passed. and pounds packed on. and one day i was 28 and in a relationship with a man who told me i needed to go to the gym because i was fat. and i was depressed and not happy. and life blessed me with what at the time felt like a dagger but in all honesty was probably the BEST thing that ever could have happened.

i went home to california. i was depressed. i hated myself. i cried a lot. i yelled. i sulked. i applied for jobs. but i started working out again. i slowly started working on me. and i got into it. and i ate healthier. and i educated myself. and i learned. and while i was sad, it was something else to focus on.

and finally life turned around. i moved to the central coast. i found an actual dream job in the city i had always dreamed of living.

and i turned 30.

i began learning what a balance in life was. a little work, a little fun, a little sweat, a little play, a little here and there. time with friends, time on my own. running, lifting, tennis, off days. life became a balance. to this day, my life is a motherf*cking balance 🙂 of juggling me!

while every day i still struggle and deal with disordered eating, i’ve slowly gotten more comfortable with food and the balance of it all. somedays (like today) i run 6 miles and go to the gym and eat salads and chicken…and somedays i take a day off and enjoy wine and a bite (or 15) of cake. life is a balance.

and on that note, as much as i want to keep babbling on…i have to meet friends for dinner because yep, you guessed it…life is a balance. work hard, play hard…love the life you live.

xox

i’ll figure it out.

it’s been a tough week.

why? i’m not sure. i’d love to pinpoint what triggered it all. but somedays when you know what it’s like to feel completely down on yourself and depressed, it’s easy to get back there. and that’s what has happened.

i had an awesome weekend. fun with friends. time to myself. a long run. wine. i couldn’t ask for a better weekend! then the week started, and i let people who don’t matter bug me, and started worrying about what people think of me, and suddenly the voices crept back into my head. “you’re pathetic. and fat. and slow. and you suck at life. why do you even bother. you’re ugly. and your clothes don’t look good on you…” yea, i think you get the picture.

sadly, when it gets all the way to that point, it’s hard to escape. the tears are on the verge. the hate builds. and all of a sudden there is so much pain, you would do anything to stop it because you actually cannot stand the person you are in that moment. it’s hard to explain to someone who’s never experienced it. to explain to another human that you actually don’t like yourself, at all, in that moment — whether it be for an hour or a day or a week, or worst yet, a year. i know this feeling all to well. i’ve fled from this feeling. i used to live in this feeling. so seeing it come back this week was not something i wanted to deal with.

i don’t expect anyone to get it actually. lately people have been bothering me. somedays it’s like high school all over again. i like being an individual. and the people i spend my time with when i’m not at work are people i value and love and more importantly, people that understand who i am. but lately i feel like my life is on display for people to watch and critique. and i wish i didn’t care.

i was hoping to vent it all out tonight. but i will leave it here. somedays i worry when blogging on my actual thoughts and experiences hinders me as i have a constant fear of someone i don’t want to read my words, reading my words. it happens constantly on my instagram and facebook. i love to express myself on other avenues and i can be transparent and real on my instagram. however, lately i’ve found people are watching me, not liking or interacting with me, but talking about me or using that as ammo as if they “know” me and my life…i love trying to convey positive messages or reach out for support when i am struggling. but when people see what i’m doing and think they know me, or judge me, or are convinced they know what’s going on without ever consulting me leaves me just a little baffled.

on the positive, this week i had an amazing night with some pretty fabulous ladies. ladies who made me want to be their friends. ladies who struggle but still are strong and put a smile on and work on achieving their goals. ladies who are up before the sun and work hard to leave life better. i am excited to continue to get to know them and am thankful they have come into my life.

and for the rest of the week, i will do my best to turn this around and find the lesson in it all. work on being a better version of myself and work on being nicer to me. i know i need to love myself. it’s been something i’ve needed to work on for years. and i desperately want to get there. it’s tough because after an amazing weekend where i legitimately loved who i was and where i was and who i was with, i somehow spiraled downward the next day for two solid days.

keep on keeping on…i’ll figure it out.

xox

words I need for 2017…

1. Let go of all thoughts that don’t make you feel empowered and strong.

2. Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.

3. Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.

4. Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted.

5. Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.

6. Let go of blaming anyone for anything; be accountable for your own life. If you don’t like something, you have two choices, accept it or change it.

7. Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are.

8. Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.

9. Let go of being the “go-to person” for everyone, all the time; stop blowing yourself off and take care of yourself first … because you matter.

10. Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.

11. Let go of thinking there’s a right and wrong way to do things or to see the world. Enjoy the contrast and celebrate the diversity and richness of life.

12. Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story.

13. Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.

14. Let go of anger toward ex lovers or family. We all deserve happiness and love; just because it is over doesn’t mean the love was wrong.

15. Let go of the need to do more and be more; for today, you’ve done the best you can, and that’s enough.

16. Let go of thinking you have to know how to make it happen; we learn the way on the way.

17. Let go of your money woes — make a plan to pay off debt and focus on your abundance.

18. Let go of trying to save or change people. Everyone has their own path, and the best thing you can do is work on yourself and stop focusing on others.

19. Let go of trying to fit in and be accepted by everyone. Your uniqueness is what makes you outstanding.

20. Let go of self-hate. You are not the shape of your body or the number on the scale. Who you are matters, and the world needs you as you are.

why my last run of the year reflected 2016 perfectly.

lately words have been spewing out of my head and i’ve had such an urge to write. but i haven’t. for a hundred reasons. sometimes just opening the laptop and letting the words come out takes more energy and work than i wish. sometimes the words are coming out of my head when i’m on a run and i just don’t have the energy to recreate them after the fact. sometimes i have things i’d love to write but know if certain people ever read them, their heart would break and that’s not worth it to me.

but i’ve been looking forward to this weekend all week. a weekend to reflect and gear up for 2017. a weekend to write! a weekend to collect thoughts and say things that need to be said.

2016 apparently wasn’t a great year for some. i’m impartial to it to be honest. but the last run i just went on PERFECTLY summed up my 2016.

it had just stopped raining, so definitely not sunny and warm, a mild 50 degrees…just warm enough to not wear gloves. i stepped outside, turned on my music and started up the hill. within a quarter of a mile, i realized i forgot a headband. i workout most days of my life, sometimes two or three times a day. i NEVER sweat without some sort of hat or headband. but there i was, just far enough away to realize this run would be done without the one thing i always have on a run.

2016 was a jumble for me. there were moments where i actually lost my mind. i started the year losing my wallet. let’s rewind. last NYE i moved into a new apartment. i had found an amazing place, bigger than my studio, cheaper than my studio, with front and back balconies and views of my favorite mountains…almost too good to be true. just a little dated, but hey i’ve always been into that vintage look! so last NYE i was reminding myself how to be me. how to be independent and on my own and solo. i had still been dealing with a breakup and wasn’t 100% myself. A week into the new year, i lost my wallet. if i explained the story, you wouldn’t believe it. i went to costco after work to pick up a few things. ran home to change and go meet some friends down town. when i was heading out to leave, i frantically couldn’t find my wallet. i panicked. crying. sobbing. hysterical. a complete mess. i called my mom literally losing my mind. i didn’t give a shit about what was in the wallet but it was a Louis Vuitton wallet, which meant the world to me. my mom convinced me to go back to costco and retrace my steps. i walked in crying and calmly asked if they had any wallets turned in. nothing that was mine. i went back to where i parked and laid on the ground searching in the dark for any sign of my wallet. finally, a lady who was collecting carts asked if she could help and suggested i check the carts. i walked over to the collection of carts, turned my flashlight on and dropped my jaw. my wallet was sitting in the cart. right where i had left it. i hugged the lady and thanked her at least 20 times. we both praised the city we live in and i instantly called my mom to explain. she reminded me to thank my lucky stars and pray that i had someone looking out for me.

i have never in my life lost something of that much value. but i did this year. and that’s how my year started…

scattered is always a word i use to describe myself but i took it to new levels this year. not because i meant to. i honestly think my head was just too full to let go of some things. it was a clear reminder to slow down in more ways than one.

anyway, back to the run…here’s how it was sounding in my head earlier…

my last run of 2016 was far from pretty but it was absolutely beautiful. it wasn’t as long as i wanted it to be, but it was still a great effort and was what i could do today. it wasn’t easy, there were lots of moments of struggle, but i got through them. i stopped to enjoy the views. i stopped to take pictures. i waved to strangers. i smiled at the fact that i found my stride and felt good doing so. i sang to the songs playing. i sweated and put in the work. and i was disciplined enough to get out there and get it done.

my year wasn’t pretty, but there were many beautiful moments.

i struggled. damn did i struggle, especially toward the end. but i got through it and i feel stronger because of it…at least i’m convincing myself of that part still.

when i look back at my year i realize i actually did a lot. i had fun. i smiled. i loved. i hurt a bit. i set goals. i broke through barriers. i shaped my body. i cried. i smiled. i made new friends and lost old ones. i found what means a lot to me.

but the one thing i realize i did in 2016 is i took a step back. for whatever reason, i hid parts of myself that i love from the world because i was worried about what “they” would say. i feel like at times i let my friends who say i’m super positive down because i pulled back from being positive on social media because i was worried what others would think. well for 2017 i say, f*ck that noise. i genuinely want to love me in 2017 and plan to be a role model and positive force to be reckoned with. love me or hate me, i am going to be me in the new year!

cheers, be safe, and let’s make 2017 an amazing one!

xox.