i did a thing today.

so i did a thing today.

a thing that scared me absolutely sh*tless.

today, i agreed to bare it all. well, basically. i mean, might as well have been naked!

today, i agreed to be on film, on camera, in front of others and eventually in front of strangers…in my sportsbra. yep. me and my sports bra. (and shorts of course.)

if you know me more intimately, which you probably don’t, then you know, i suffer an insane amount from body issues. most people don’t know that about me. most people don’t expect that from me.

but i have spent the better part of 30+ years hating myself. hating my body. hating the unique things that make me me. it isn’t fun. and i’m over it. the last 4+ years of my life have been the most positive to say the least. i slowly have started to make peace with the hand God dealt me. in the past 3 months, i’ve made strides in just that by beginning yoga and working on “grace” and “acceptance” and being happy and proud with ANY sort of movement I am allowed for the day.

but is it such an easy flip of the switch and change of perspective? Not even close. just yesterday, i spent an hour of yoga fighting tears. mad because i couldn’t turn my brain off. because i couldnt be happy with the movement i was doing. mad because my sweaty legs wouldn’t allow me to get deeper into a pose. mad because i knew i should be feeling stronger. mad because these thoughts wouldn’t disappear. mad because i couldnt enjoy my savansana.

telling myself i am beautiful and enough makes me cry. it hurts. because i still dont believe it. trust me, I WANT TO. i want to so badly have the confidence everyone else has. i want to be proud of my body. i want to look in the mirror and see me!  i want to be so freaking proud of how far i have come. easier said than done. i see my broad, rectangular shape. i see what i looked like 60 lbs ago.

but today was a step in the right direction. today i did something empowering. today i was scared and brave at the same time. today i took a chance to make a difference…in my world and in other women’s world. today i was not embarresed of the body i am in. i embraced it. i was proud of it. because, i have worked my ass off to get here…to show this off. i will never be tiny…it’s not in my dna…and that is OK. i eat healthy, i work my ass off and this woman is a bad ass chick who is kicking butt in so many ways. i no longer starve myself. i am trying to turn the negative self talk OFF. i am working on reminding myself that people look up to me and that i need to be the best version of myself for me and them.

while some days i feel so weak and like i have so much work today, today i feel strong. and proud. and happy. who knew someone would ask me to be in a sportsbra video…that someone was admiring my strength and work ethic. that someone thought i would be great for this project.

and by being around other amazing women who have found peace with who they are, it makes me want to be that way too.

i feel blessed constantly for what has been put on my plate. today i was reminded how lucky i am to be doing what i do. the unique, niche things i do. and i am so happy i get to be that person. i get to be in front of a camera. i get to show up and smile. i get to talk to people who want to hear what i say. i get to shine. how lucky am i?!

now if only i can get the mind to get on board…i think good things are in store.

i’m working on it. i’m getting there. i know i can and i will.

like i always have shared, i know i’m a late bloomer, and this will come too. life has gotten me this far and taught me all of these things, there is more in store for me, and i know i have great things in my future.

until then, i’m going be proud of what i accomplished today. and let that be enough.

xox.

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my world.

where do i begin?

it’s september. and i haven’t been writing. but constantly have a voice in my head urging me to find a computer stat or pen and paper and let the words just flow. but by the time i get there, it’s too late. i’m tired or worn out or already emotionally drained and don’t have enough left to put it all into words.

i need to be more intentional. set one day a week at least where i write. i need it. but for now, i”m here…and let’s just see what comes out.

today i find myself in a bit of an emotional bind. a bit stressed and unhappy with several things in my life. actually, we could go across the board and pick a topic and i can argue one thing i’m not exactly satisfied with in that realm. i hate that. i hate being negative. but deep down, i naturally have that tendency to dwell on bad stuff. that tendency to let life pull me down. and usually right when i begin to lose my breathe and i can’t tread water any more, i snap out of it or find a grand reason that keeps me grateful.

let’s see if i can break anything down. i might just use this space as a makeshift therapy sesh if you all don’t mind.

i hung out with a guy a bit ago. a guy who i was sure despised me. literally. yet, the night we found ourselves in the same space he kept talking to me and spurring the conversation. until hours later it was him and i chatting about all the things. life, depression, what makes us tick, political affiliations, hopes, goals, dreams…everything. this guy i assumed hated me seemed to have some sort of a soft spot for me. and after he told me he “knew” where i lived, i felt like he had been watching from afar…which was weird because i rarely saw him..like never. well life happens and he seemed to not be very interested…until today i saw him driving in front of me as i turned onto my street to go home. his ex and daughter live next door to me. how’s that for ironic. maybe that causes some hesitation…although either way, he could have not disappeared the way he did. which then only makes me wonder what is so wrong with me that someone could do that?! c’est la vie.

next.

so i started yoga. it’s been great. and there are a bunch of reasons i am so glad to be doing it, and mainly the big ones — my body could use some extra love; i didn’t realize how well my body would react to the core and strength training that didn’t involve weights (think: easily lost 6 lbs without even trying); then there’s the whole “accepting and appreciating your body and what it has to offer day in and day out;” oh and the “no comparing to others” thing…yea, those. Those might be bigger reasons why I threw myself into yoga. Practicing 3-4 times a week. Because lord only knows how badly i need to love myself and my body. but here’s the thing…the more i am told to accept it and love it…the more frustrated i get. why wasn’t i dealt different genes. why do my feet supinate so extreme? why is it that i don’t know what it is like to live without hip pain. why does my body actually hurt monday through friday (on a good week!)?! why can i lift all the weights but not my body a graceful position? ok. so why? because God gave me all this to work with. and it’s my mission to make peace with it. but how easy is that after literally hating my body for 30+ years. literally. it’s not an easy thing to end a 30 year war. it’s extremely hard to change perspective and mindspace and change the thoughts. I am slowly, but it’s not easy. it’s an internal fight. it’s tough to be nice to myself when i still don’t like what i see. will i ever like her? jeez, i hope so.

lately i’m trying SO SO hard to work on me. to find the tools i need. to be the best version of me. to stay in my lane and look inward and know i’m on the right path. but somedays i feel it gets even worst.

the voice in my head somedays sounds louder. or the obsession with food and working out is there more often. if i didnt sweat for 3 hours, it’s not enough. 3 hours?! that’s how much i worked out as a top athlete. my body is starving for time off but my mind refuses to entertain that idea. days off..hah! you’re sore…run it off…you’re tired, get in the gym. yet when a friend comes to me tired, sore and injured — i tell them to listen to their body and be ok to take some time off.

it’s exhausting.

i think that’s why it’s so tough to me  to get back here and write. it’s literally exhausting. exhausting justifying it in my head. if i eat that, will it be ok if i just hit the gym ONCE today?! can i get away with just a few miles of a run…what if i didn’t get cardio in?! my head is a mess.

i was talking to a friend the other day and it all started coming out. how i’m trying so hard to make peace with my body but sometimes it just feels like all i’ve done is illuminated my weaknesses. and then i get frustrated.

i had so much more to say but i think this is where i end it today.

be the change. appreciate what you hate. trade expectation for gratitude. your body is a blessing…try and remember that.

xox.

what if…

so, i’m on my yoga journey! i’ve committed to yoga…for a few reasons…but the real reason i keep going is because of the mental work. it’s so just what i need.

don’t get me wrong, i desperately need the physical work too. give me weights to push around in the gym all day, and i will…but make me hold myself up in a position relying on my shoulders and stiff legs and breathe to get me through…that’s a whole other story.

i want to write more on yoga so far, but wanted to just jott some stuff down before calling it a night…every class i am reminded to be grateful and appreciative for my body and it’s ability to move. and that each day presents us with different challenges and nothing is ever the same day to day. and where you are at (in life or yoga) should never be a way to judge or compare…because your journey is your own and no one elses. ok we know these things…but why is it so much more powerful through yoga?!

as we closed out class, i was reminded going into savasana to “let go of any thoughts that don’t serve me for the best.” and it made me think, most of the voices in my head are a$$holes. but what if they got quiet? what if i stopped listening to them? what if i quieted them to let the beautiful voice be the only thing i hear? what if that is the thing holding me back and something so simple can dramatically change my world. they say “change your thoughts and your world will change.” can you imagine…when life is already good, how much better can it get when you shut off those voices that constantly pull you down and make you feel bad.

somedays i think i secretly enjoy the a$$hole voice in the back of my head. but, like my life, i am trying not to make the same mistakes that i’ve mad in the past — trying not to end up with the abusive, narcissists…i think it’s time to break up with that a$$hole voice for ever. it’s kind of weird to have clinged to such negative thoughts for so much of my life…like ALL of it. i don’t even know how to be without putting myself down or telling myself i could do better, work harder, be more disciplined…but maybe it’s time to try. really try. really shut the negative sh*t out. really find a way to deal with it when it does come up.

so i will continue to work on my yoga and centering my mind and body and appreciating all my little flaws. after all, that’s what i continually am asking for in my soul mate — for someone who loves me for me, and loves my flaws and pushes me to be my best while they feel inspired and encouraged by me to be their best. couldn’t hurt.

here goes nothing…namaste.

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xox.

when it all makes sense.

This week, in a word, was amazing. This week I fell back in love with my life. Not that I was out of love with it or anything like that, but this was one of those weeks that reminded me I’m exactly where I’m meant to be doing what I’m meant to do and loving every minute of it.

Sometimes you have those weeks and just want to stop time and hold on tight to a moment because everything seems right and you don’t even want to waste a tiny second on wondering if and when it will stop feeling this perfect.

This week I felt empowered. I felt beautiful. I felt strong. I took steps forward with work. I was acknowledged and complimented by friends and colleagues. I laughed. I worked out. I kissed a man. I drank wine. I stayed up way too late. I went to bed early. I woke up earlier than normal. I met new people. I splurged on myself. I challenged myself. I pushed myself. I kept secrets. I chatted with friends. It was a good week.

I wish I could capture this feeling and remember it when I’m down. And use it to motivate myself to keep being better and stronger and remind myself to never settle but for the right things.

And here’s to many more of only the best weeks to come.

xox

your opinion of me.

i wish i could get on my soap box and preach that your opinion of me doesn’t matter to me. it shouldn’t. but it does.

i know, i know…no one’s opinion of me should change how i think or act or what i do or make me feel better or worst about myself. but come on. we all know it effects us a little here and there.

one of my biggest goals is to let go of what people think of me. and i go through phases where i really am good about letting it go and not giving a sh*t. but i also go through phases where i am obsessed with what people think or say about me.

and it makes no sense, but lately the positive comments have had negative effects on me.

recently, i got some positive feedback on my physical appearance. now, mind you, i’m no stranger to comments about my body. however, most of the time they are incredibly hurtful and negative. while those ones always sting, it’s been over 10 years of having people talk about my physical appearance in a negative way, so it’s become something i just get upset about and move on. don’t get me wrong, that shit hurts and i remember most of the bad ones, but i guess me being me has come to realize it happens and people are assholes.

however, it wasn’t until i got some positive comments on my physical appearance that i realized…it’s none of your damn business what i look like. after reading through some comments, from men nonetheless, about me looking fit and like i’ve dropped weight, i initially was proud…and then my head started processing it all…so i looked like a fat hippo to you before now? they asked how my workouts had changed and all i wanted to say was, “they haven’t. i work my ass off day in and day out and have been doing so for the past 3 years.” I wanted to say, “I’ve never actually looked like this in my life…and i’m 34 and a has been top athlete and i’ve never worked this hard in my life.” I wanted to say, “i am in the gym sweating 5 or 6 days a week. running 4 or 5 days a week. hiking. playing tennis. sprinting. and trying to keep my body glued together between all that.” i wanted to say i’m one of the hardest workers you’ll ever meet. but i didn’t. i didn’t say anything. because they don’t understand and they don’t know me…and they don’t realize how their comments on what i look like actually sent me deeper into an obsessiveness i pretend to have control over.

a week later, i found myself binging and eating uncontrollably. and all i kept thinking was, “shit. they’re going to watch the video from this week and remind me i’m actually a cow. and ask how did i put 20 lbs on so fast.” i went through a week where i wasn’t motivated and couldn’t discipline my diet. it went straight to my head. and i hate it. i had just come off about a month of avoiding added sugar in anything and i kept starting my new count over every other day because i couldn’t help from shoving sugar in my mouth.  call it sabotage. call it being human. call it what you want, but it really messed with me.

so this week, i snapped it back into gear. but i consciously am realizing how with each day, the more obsessed i am becoming with my workouts. i freak out on the inside if i am not sure i can get a full hour in the gym. this morning i ran 5.5 miles, played 90 mins of tennis and went to the gym for an hour. and i still feel like it wasn’t enough. i’m back on the discipline train with my eating (I’ve NEVER been good with the whole moderation thing…most things in my life are all or nothing…food has kind of been that way too). tomorrow will be day 3 of no added sugar and i set some goals for the end of the month to keep me on track.

so as i try to add some sort of balance into my life again…i also will be working on not letting people’s thoughts about me effect me deep down. because for my own health, i need to be ok knowing at the end of the day, i did everything i could to be the best version of me and have the best day…and somedays that might mean skipping the gym or eating a cupcake…or running 6 miles before work and following it with leg day…just as long as i’m doing it for me, it will be ok.

oxnard.

i’ve been fighting these words and feeling these feelings. but maybe it’s time to write them down.

last week, my sister and i got in a fight. a big fight. a fight that left me heart broken. and confused. and hurt.

most of the time, i’m the first to apologize. maybe it’s the older sister in me. or the fear of someone hating me. or the fact that i hate unresolved issues. like the time she lost it and threw me out of her house. i was the first to say something. i poured my heart out to her. yet here we are. 4 months later. and i feel the same all over again. but i know i did nothing wrong. and this time instead of sweeping it away and pretending it’s ok…i am looking out for me.

my heart hurts. after this fight i realized it was identical to almost every break up i’ve had. how sad and devastating is that? i blame myself for a lot. and that’s just what she’s doing…blaming me for things i have no control over.

but it doesn’t effect her like it effects me. it doesn’t send her in a down whirl spiral. it doesn’t cause her to beat herself up…mentally and physically. it doesn’t cause her to hate what she sees in the mirror — on the inside and the out. to have a voice inside berate her…to feel like the most disgusting human being…to feel like an ugly, disgusting person. to want to run away…to anywhere else. to fuck everything and be mad at the world. to not want to have to fake a smile. no. she doesn’t get it.

and i’ve been avoiding writing it or dealing with it. because honestly, i never have. because my fear of losing my sister is bigger. because i let it go. me and my big mouth let what is bothering me the most go. and she forgets what she said, how she acted and what she did and begins complaining about the next thing.

i won’t let people like that in my world. i can’t let her continue to do this. and i know she doesn’t get it. and never will. and it hurts too that she doesn’t try.

and what am i to do. i don’t like the way she treats me when he’s around. i don’t like how she treats me like i’m not as good as her…i don’t like how she’s so defensive…i don’t like how she goes from zero to sixty instead of being rational. and i don’t know how to move forward with her this time.

life is a motherf*cking balance.

when i finally write my book, that will be the name of it.

life is a motherf*cking balance.

there isn’t a week that goes by that those words don’t come out of my mouth. ok, well not the “motherf*cking” part but you get my jist.

ironically, i didn’t always believe that though.

let’s backtrack.

back in…let’s see, 2010…maybe 2011. i asked my boss if i could go to a women’s coaching conference. what’s crazy about my memory, i remember so many things SO VIVIDLY, but there are so many things i have no recollection of…so i can’t even remember where this conference was held, but i remember so many parts of it so clear. i made so many fabulous connections and was able to vent. i was stuck in a coaching career which i “loved.” hah…apparently i didn’t know what love was back then. i had done an amazing job of convincing myself and EVERYONE around me and in my life that i LOVED my job…my career! my life.

here’s the truth. i was miserable. i had a boss i didn’t respect (for a 100 reasons, but mainly because he didn’t have a backbone). i didn’t have friends. i had NO life outside of my job. my success was based on the performance of 8-10 18-22 year olds on any given day. i wanted to be a head coach but didn’t have the experience. i wanted friends but didn’t have them. i stopped working on me. i was fat and overweight and out of shape. i rewarded myself with food. i loved to travel because there was nothing else i had to look forward to. i cried anytime i had to go back to work. things weren’t great folks. but i grinned and smiled through it all and did a convincingly amazing job relaying the message: “i love being a college coach! i was born to do this!”

so back to this conference. i learned so much and used it to fuel my plans to become a head coach somewhere. anywhere! however there was one day where we all picked phrases/words and had to talk about how they related to our life. when i closed my eyes to choose and open them, i frowned a bit when i saw, “life is a balance” starring back at me. at this point in my life, life was NOT a balance. my life revolved around work. and i LOVED it (please note that is said dripping with sarcasm!). i sat there trying to explain how this phrase mattered to me…”um i mean, i guess this is good because i work too much and don’t really have a life out of coaching. my friends are other coaches…and they are scattered across the country and i see them maybe 4 times a year at tournaments, dual matches and recruiting trips…so yea, i need to balance my life.” I said it with a smile trying to convince myself more than anyone else in the room.

well…aside from learning how to be a badass coach, mentor, manager, human that weekend, i got working on finding new spots for me to thrive. applying for jobs anywhere…everywhere…literally EVERYWHERE. i knew a new start would open up this “balance” i needed in my life. let’s just say what’s to follow is a whole chapter (or book!) of its own…but life doesn’t always work out the way we planned it (speaking of mantras, i remember once being told, “sometimes dreams change, and that’s ok” — another one i had to relearn once it applied to my life).

so after leaving the university i poured my heart and soul and LIFE into for 3 years, i ended up going back to california. i think this is what they call “hitting rock bottom.”

yea. i did that. let’s skip the middle part because again…different chapters.

and let’s come back to present day. life is a BALANCE.

would you believe i still have those words and see them every morning and every night?! would you believe it if i told you they mean more to me ever today than they ever did previously?

this week is national eating disorder awareness. sadly, my eating hasn’t been the only spot where i’ve needed balance. when i was 16-18, i spent hours training and consumed maybe 800 calories on a good day…or binged on cookie dough. i was the smallest i’d ever been. and then college came. and while i was a top d1 athlete, by my senior year i had managed to gain 20 lbs. and then i had nothing to work for. i wasn’t able to turn pro due to financial reasons. i had “nothing to train for.” so i didn’t. and years passed. and pounds packed on. and one day i was 28 and in a relationship with a man who told me i needed to go to the gym because i was fat. and i was depressed and not happy. and life blessed me with what at the time felt like a dagger but in all honesty was probably the BEST thing that ever could have happened.

i went home to california. i was depressed. i hated myself. i cried a lot. i yelled. i sulked. i applied for jobs. but i started working out again. i slowly started working on me. and i got into it. and i ate healthier. and i educated myself. and i learned. and while i was sad, it was something else to focus on.

and finally life turned around. i moved to the central coast. i found an actual dream job in the city i had always dreamed of living.

and i turned 30.

i began learning what a balance in life was. a little work, a little fun, a little sweat, a little play, a little here and there. time with friends, time on my own. running, lifting, tennis, off days. life became a balance. to this day, my life is a motherf*cking balance 🙂 of juggling me!

while every day i still struggle and deal with disordered eating, i’ve slowly gotten more comfortable with food and the balance of it all. somedays (like today) i run 6 miles and go to the gym and eat salads and chicken…and somedays i take a day off and enjoy wine and a bite (or 15) of cake. life is a balance.

and on that note, as much as i want to keep babbling on…i have to meet friends for dinner because yep, you guessed it…life is a balance. work hard, play hard…love the life you live.

xox

i’ll figure it out.

it’s been a tough week.

why? i’m not sure. i’d love to pinpoint what triggered it all. but somedays when you know what it’s like to feel completely down on yourself and depressed, it’s easy to get back there. and that’s what has happened.

i had an awesome weekend. fun with friends. time to myself. a long run. wine. i couldn’t ask for a better weekend! then the week started, and i let people who don’t matter bug me, and started worrying about what people think of me, and suddenly the voices crept back into my head. “you’re pathetic. and fat. and slow. and you suck at life. why do you even bother. you’re ugly. and your clothes don’t look good on you…” yea, i think you get the picture.

sadly, when it gets all the way to that point, it’s hard to escape. the tears are on the verge. the hate builds. and all of a sudden there is so much pain, you would do anything to stop it because you actually cannot stand the person you are in that moment. it’s hard to explain to someone who’s never experienced it. to explain to another human that you actually don’t like yourself, at all, in that moment — whether it be for an hour or a day or a week, or worst yet, a year. i know this feeling all to well. i’ve fled from this feeling. i used to live in this feeling. so seeing it come back this week was not something i wanted to deal with.

i don’t expect anyone to get it actually. lately people have been bothering me. somedays it’s like high school all over again. i like being an individual. and the people i spend my time with when i’m not at work are people i value and love and more importantly, people that understand who i am. but lately i feel like my life is on display for people to watch and critique. and i wish i didn’t care.

i was hoping to vent it all out tonight. but i will leave it here. somedays i worry when blogging on my actual thoughts and experiences hinders me as i have a constant fear of someone i don’t want to read my words, reading my words. it happens constantly on my instagram and facebook. i love to express myself on other avenues and i can be transparent and real on my instagram. however, lately i’ve found people are watching me, not liking or interacting with me, but talking about me or using that as ammo as if they “know” me and my life…i love trying to convey positive messages or reach out for support when i am struggling. but when people see what i’m doing and think they know me, or judge me, or are convinced they know what’s going on without ever consulting me leaves me just a little baffled.

on the positive, this week i had an amazing night with some pretty fabulous ladies. ladies who made me want to be their friends. ladies who struggle but still are strong and put a smile on and work on achieving their goals. ladies who are up before the sun and work hard to leave life better. i am excited to continue to get to know them and am thankful they have come into my life.

and for the rest of the week, i will do my best to turn this around and find the lesson in it all. work on being a better version of myself and work on being nicer to me. i know i need to love myself. it’s been something i’ve needed to work on for years. and i desperately want to get there. it’s tough because after an amazing weekend where i legitimately loved who i was and where i was and who i was with, i somehow spiraled downward the next day for two solid days.

keep on keeping on…i’ll figure it out.

xox

Happier Fat?

Ok, that’s a vague title.

I’ve had a bit of an off week. I haven’t been writing for whatever reason. I haven’t found…scratch that, made the time. That’s the actual reason. Which is kind of a bummer because over the past few weeks I’ve thought of a lot of things to write on. But either way, not beating myself too much about it…here I am.

So aside from not writing, the past week or so has also handed me a few challenges. I strained my calf (the same spot that I tore almost 4 years ago when I was over exercising). I came down with a nasty cold (maybe the flu?). And yea, that was enough to throw me off. The calf thing had been building up and bothering me now for well over a month. And I had been run down and exhausted so I guess getting sick was also imminent. So I battled this week.

Monday, I wasn’t feeling great, but as I almost always do, I told my head to stop complaining, suck it up, and deal with it. I dealt with it in a way almost no one else in the world would. I ran 2 miles then hit the gym to do 100 thrusters and 100 hand release push ups. Normal, right? My head was killing me by 4pm and I dragged myself home and into bed where I remained for the next 24 hours.

I allowed myself a sick day, loaded with sleeping and rest and fluids and then gave myself said pep talk on Wednesday and got myself back into work. And back into the gym.

Despite not being able to breathe. Or taste. Or function without a throbbing headache, Thursday ran about the same as Wednesday.

By Friday, I was so excited I made it through the week. Went for a mile run to test my calf for the big run I had planned all week for Saturday and hit the gym hard, blowing my nose every 5 minutes, but completed my WOD and accessory work and was proud to have successfully made it through a tough week only giving up one day off.

And by Friday I felt like I had some swag back. I also felt like I was leaning out and doing good work in the gym and since I’d been sick, I was proud I didn’t really eat too poorly. Except by Saturday, I realized I didn’t really eat at all.

So let’s fast forward to today. Saturday. After taking almost 2 weeks off from any long runs, I was so excited to lace up my shoes and hit the pavement. It has been raining, so I planned this one perfect. Post-rain, it would still be wet but not too cold. I woke up without my alarm, made coffee, drank a glass of water, ate some eggs and got dressed. Threw on an ankle brace, compression sock and calf sleeve and was stoked to get going. I parked, picked my pandora station and I was off! The goal was between 5 and 6 miles, but I was hoping my body would be able to handle 6 no problem. I hit 3 miles and was ecstatic to turn around. Until, bam. I gingerly stopped. My right hamstring just balled up into a tiny pretzel before my eyes. Wait a minute?! What?! My fucking right hamstring is now giving me issues? You have got to be kidding me. I stopped then and there, unsure of what to do, with tears welling in my eyes not from the pain but the mere fact that I might be facing another injury. Unsure what to do, I crossed the street and started pounding my hamstring with my fist — I probably looked insane, but I have pretty tight legs and my mere pounding wasn’t even beginning to loosen them up. I started going through every hamstring stretch I knew…as sweat is pouring from my body. And then it hit me. It’s 85% humidity right now. I didn’t drink nearly enough water yesterday, let alone this morning and I sure as hell sweat most of it out in my first 3 miles….

I stretched and started my walk home. I figured I would be fine if I could somehow lengthen the muscle and get it to unknot. Jog. Stop. Stretch. Walk. Jog. Stop. Stretch. Walk…By the time I was a .75 mile away from my car, I jogged and told myself I could make it, I’d be fine and the faster I got to my car the faster I could hydrate and ice.

I made it to my car and inhaled 40 ounces of water like it was nothing. And my body wasn’t full. Then and there I realized despite all the warning signs to slow down and take care of myself all week hadn’t worked. Then I realized that eating one solid meal a day for the past week hadn’t worked. Then I realized forcing myself into a day off hadn’t worked. And then I realized how my head has been a bit more of a mess than I thought lately.

What’s the point of telling you all this? All morning I had been so proud of the “baby abs” I am starting to sprout. And how lean, but strong, my legs are looking. And how I did 5 pull-ups without assistance this week on a week I was sick. And how I felt like my core has been tightening. And my boobs might be shrinking. And my shoulders are looking stronger. And how I hadn’t over indulged at all all week. These are all the things I was so proud of. And yet my body was screaming at me.

I had a conversation with my sister the other day explaining to her how I hadn’t had anything pumpkin yet because of how many carbs and sugars are in everything. I love pumpkin. I love fall flavors. She said “I don’t care about carbs.” Is it bad that somedays, for some moments, I wish I didn’t either. I wish I could eat that brownie without feeling guilt. With remembering that life is a balance. I wish I could remember the last time I had a sandwich, with bread. I wish I knew the last time I had ice cream that didn’t have sugar alcohols in them. The only pumpkin items I’ve had have been sugar free. I swear I wasn’t like this a year ago. But I also swear I didn’t have “baby abs” a year ago too.

It’s frustrating. There are many days my head obsesses over what I will eat, when, where, what happens if I go out, what if I want to drink and no one has sugar free mixers, what if there is only beer and I don’t want all the carbs, what if we order pizza and that’s all there is to eat, and more importantly, what if i DO eat a cupcake or cookie or brownie?!…these are things that constantly rotate in my head. And then the next day it’s all about how many miles do I need to run to fix that mistake I made by eating that brownie, and is that going to be a hard enough or long enough workout, and how do I get my cardio in if I can’t run, and how many miles can I run after work, or should I hike, or maybe a trail run or HIIT sprints might be good, but I can’t tonight how will I fit that in if I have an obligation at 6pm. It’s exhausting.

While I know I wouldn’t be happier where I was 60+ pounds ago, somedays I wish my inner fat kid could just take over without my inner fit fanatic always being present. And the thing is, I know I need to find the balance, and I know that takes work. It doesn’t just happen one day. I need to practice it. One cookie won’t ruin a workout. One brownie won’t ruin a month of hard work. Run because you love to run, because you love the time alone and you love the sweat. Not because you ate pizza last night. Or had a beer. Or three. Hit the gym because that’s your version of therapy. And you love growing new muscles and being strong and looking strong. Not because you need to punish yourself for a day or two off. Or for not eating clean the day before.

Time to work on letting go a little because truth is…

Life is a mother fucking balance.

xx

and some days you’re bad ass.

Ever have those days where you feel on top of the world?! Nothing can stop you! You can do it all!

Sure, they may not be but every couple weeks (or maybe more often if you’re lucky), but today was one of those days! My alarm went off this morning at 5:30am and I popped up, got dressed, made some coffee and was out the door before the sun was up. 12 minutes later, I started a morning run and raced to the beach trying to beat the sun to the shore. Today, I won. Turned around and finished just over 5 miles at 7am.

Off to work I went, endorphins and sweat flowing, feeling good. There’s nothing like feeling accomplished before even getting into work on a Monday morning! 5 miles down, what else was on the agenda. Work flew by — checking emails, getting things done. When it was time to workout, I got in the mindspace, changed and started with a warm up run…in the 100+ degree heat. Followed by an insanely hot 40 minutes in the gym working on squats, squat cleans, sumo squats and pushups, I finished up with the last thing in the world I wanted to do, run another mile in the heat. I make it a habit to open and close my Monday WODs with miles…while it never gets easier, it seems to be pretty awesome and butt kicking and sometimes even vomit inducing. I left the gym feeling accomplished — 7 miles done and a workout to boot!

Later, the energy continued to flow. I jumped on the court and drilled and it felt amazing. Driving solid balls through the court well over 80 miles an hour, moving around, pain free. Gotta love that feeling on a monday where nothing yet is sore or hurting.

Anyway, one might think this blog post is just showing off and bragging. But really it’s a nice reminder that somedays I am pretty badass. Over the weekend I had some friends tell me how athletic I was. I laughed it off and said they must not have been referring to me, but one of the other 3 guys I had been playing beach volleyball with. “No. I watched you out there. And I watched them..you are athletic.”

It got me thinking. I may not have ever had the most natural talent. Or athletic abilities. But I sure as hell will try harder than anyone I know. And I’m coachable and competitive. And you bet your ass I ran 7 miles today, played tennis AND worked out…you’re damn right I’m athletic!

I’m slowly learning to like little things here and there about myself physically. Like my baby lats that slowly are popping up above my shoulders. And how maybe my waist isn’t leaning out but my bra line is…leading to emphasizing my broad shoulders and strong legs. I’ve never worried about a thigh gap per say, but my quads are strong and my legs have carried me through hell and back. For whatever reason, the veins in my hands pop just a little bit more lately and the calluses on my hands are actually a badge of honor to me, while most men (and women) would find them disgusting. My aches and pains remind me of how hard I push. And my sweaty clothes that I need to air out every day are also soaked with passion and pride. Maybe my body isn’t changing drastically, but every day I work hard to get stronger and become more of who I want to be.

Either way…on most days where my head can be consumed about ways I can be better, try harder, be nicer, accomplish more…today, I’m just going to be proud of me. No, I don’t have four kinds and 3 jobs…I’m just living a life I love, but today, I pushed myself and was positive and strong and somedays, that’s enough. And today, I was badass.

xox.