what if…

so, i’m on my yoga journey! i’ve committed to yoga…for a few reasons…but the real reason i keep going is because of the mental work. it’s so just what i need.

don’t get me wrong, i desperately need the physical work too. give me weights to push around in the gym all day, and i will…but make me hold myself up in a position relying on my shoulders and stiff legs and breathe to get me through…that’s a whole other story.

i want to write more on yoga so far, but wanted to just jott some stuff down before calling it a night…every class i am reminded to be grateful and appreciative for my body and it’s ability to move. and that each day presents us with different challenges and nothing is ever the same day to day. and where you are at (in life or yoga) should never be a way to judge or compare…because your journey is your own and no one elses. ok we know these things…but why is it so much more powerful through yoga?!

as we closed out class, i was reminded going into savasana to “let go of any thoughts that don’t serve me for the best.” and it made me think, most of the voices in my head are a$$holes. but what if they got quiet? what if i stopped listening to them? what if i quieted them to let the beautiful voice be the only thing i hear? what if that is the thing holding me back and something so simple can dramatically change my world. they say “change your thoughts and your world will change.” can you imagine…when life is already good, how much better can it get when you shut off those voices that constantly pull you down and make you feel bad.

somedays i think i secretly enjoy the a$$hole voice in the back of my head. but, like my life, i am trying not to make the same mistakes that i’ve mad in the past — trying not to end up with the abusive, narcissists…i think it’s time to break up with that a$$hole voice for ever. it’s kind of weird to have clinged to such negative thoughts for so much of my life…like ALL of it. i don’t even know how to be without putting myself down or telling myself i could do better, work harder, be more disciplined…but maybe it’s time to try. really try. really shut the negative sh*t out. really find a way to deal with it when it does come up.

so i will continue to work on my yoga and centering my mind and body and appreciating all my little flaws. after all, that’s what i continually am asking for in my soul mate — for someone who loves me for me, and loves my flaws and pushes me to be my best while they feel inspired and encouraged by me to be their best. couldn’t hurt.

here goes nothing…namaste.

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xox.

#34

today was a good day.

i’m not going to lie, i was terrified of the next number in my life…34…i mean, it’s literally the mid-30s. and in case anyone is playing along, i’m still figuring out this whole life thing out.

sure, i have the basics set. but no, i’m not married (hah i’m actually very single…and very ok with it!). i don’t own a home. i don’t have kids (and i’m not sure i want them either).

but guess what? i love where i live. i adore my job. i have met some amazing people. i continue to get stronger — mentally and physically. i keep meeting people who are the sorts of people i want in my life. 90% of the time, i love every minute of my day. i have a great relationship with my mom and sister. i continue to set goals and work on knocking them down. i’m healthier and fitter than i have ever been in more ways than one. and i’m working on loving me.

i’d say that’s more than most people have going for them.

today i took a walk with some amazing ladies. one of them told me how 34 was her best year. how she felt the most empowered and strongest and owned her life at that age. it made me hopeful. and by the way things went today, i think i’m off to a good start. i think 34 will be good. i know i have more to grow and learn and experience and i’m looking forward to the knowledge and eagerness i can bring to each new experience.

keep moving, keep growing, keep pushing through obstacles, keep evolving,

34…let’s do this!

life is a motherf*cking balance.

when i finally write my book, that will be the name of it.

life is a motherf*cking balance.

there isn’t a week that goes by that those words don’t come out of my mouth. ok, well not the “motherf*cking” part but you get my jist.

ironically, i didn’t always believe that though.

let’s backtrack.

back in…let’s see, 2010…maybe 2011. i asked my boss if i could go to a women’s coaching conference. what’s crazy about my memory, i remember so many things SO VIVIDLY, but there are so many things i have no recollection of…so i can’t even remember where this conference was held, but i remember so many parts of it so clear. i made so many fabulous connections and was able to vent. i was stuck in a coaching career which i “loved.” hah…apparently i didn’t know what love was back then. i had done an amazing job of convincing myself and EVERYONE around me and in my life that i LOVED my job…my career! my life.

here’s the truth. i was miserable. i had a boss i didn’t respect (for a 100 reasons, but mainly because he didn’t have a backbone). i didn’t have friends. i had NO life outside of my job. my success was based on the performance of 8-10 18-22 year olds on any given day. i wanted to be a head coach but didn’t have the experience. i wanted friends but didn’t have them. i stopped working on me. i was fat and overweight and out of shape. i rewarded myself with food. i loved to travel because there was nothing else i had to look forward to. i cried anytime i had to go back to work. things weren’t great folks. but i grinned and smiled through it all and did a convincingly amazing job relaying the message: “i love being a college coach! i was born to do this!”

so back to this conference. i learned so much and used it to fuel my plans to become a head coach somewhere. anywhere! however there was one day where we all picked phrases/words and had to talk about how they related to our life. when i closed my eyes to choose and open them, i frowned a bit when i saw, “life is a balance” starring back at me. at this point in my life, life was NOT a balance. my life revolved around work. and i LOVED it (please note that is said dripping with sarcasm!). i sat there trying to explain how this phrase mattered to me…”um i mean, i guess this is good because i work too much and don’t really have a life out of coaching. my friends are other coaches…and they are scattered across the country and i see them maybe 4 times a year at tournaments, dual matches and recruiting trips…so yea, i need to balance my life.” I said it with a smile trying to convince myself more than anyone else in the room.

well…aside from learning how to be a badass coach, mentor, manager, human that weekend, i got working on finding new spots for me to thrive. applying for jobs anywhere…everywhere…literally EVERYWHERE. i knew a new start would open up this “balance” i needed in my life. let’s just say what’s to follow is a whole chapter (or book!) of its own…but life doesn’t always work out the way we planned it (speaking of mantras, i remember once being told, “sometimes dreams change, and that’s ok” — another one i had to relearn once it applied to my life).

so after leaving the university i poured my heart and soul and LIFE into for 3 years, i ended up going back to california. i think this is what they call “hitting rock bottom.”

yea. i did that. let’s skip the middle part because again…different chapters.

and let’s come back to present day. life is a BALANCE.

would you believe i still have those words and see them every morning and every night?! would you believe it if i told you they mean more to me ever today than they ever did previously?

this week is national eating disorder awareness. sadly, my eating hasn’t been the only spot where i’ve needed balance. when i was 16-18, i spent hours training and consumed maybe 800 calories on a good day…or binged on cookie dough. i was the smallest i’d ever been. and then college came. and while i was a top d1 athlete, by my senior year i had managed to gain 20 lbs. and then i had nothing to work for. i wasn’t able to turn pro due to financial reasons. i had “nothing to train for.” so i didn’t. and years passed. and pounds packed on. and one day i was 28 and in a relationship with a man who told me i needed to go to the gym because i was fat. and i was depressed and not happy. and life blessed me with what at the time felt like a dagger but in all honesty was probably the BEST thing that ever could have happened.

i went home to california. i was depressed. i hated myself. i cried a lot. i yelled. i sulked. i applied for jobs. but i started working out again. i slowly started working on me. and i got into it. and i ate healthier. and i educated myself. and i learned. and while i was sad, it was something else to focus on.

and finally life turned around. i moved to the central coast. i found an actual dream job in the city i had always dreamed of living.

and i turned 30.

i began learning what a balance in life was. a little work, a little fun, a little sweat, a little play, a little here and there. time with friends, time on my own. running, lifting, tennis, off days. life became a balance. to this day, my life is a motherf*cking balance 🙂 of juggling me!

while every day i still struggle and deal with disordered eating, i’ve slowly gotten more comfortable with food and the balance of it all. somedays (like today) i run 6 miles and go to the gym and eat salads and chicken…and somedays i take a day off and enjoy wine and a bite (or 15) of cake. life is a balance.

and on that note, as much as i want to keep babbling on…i have to meet friends for dinner because yep, you guessed it…life is a balance. work hard, play hard…love the life you live.

xox

My happy looks different than yours. And that’s ok.

Yesterday as my sister and I were driving down the 210, tears began flowing from my eyes. Real tears. And lots of them. And suddenly my happiness bubble shattered. The weight of society and the rest of the world meticulously found a pin to burst my bubble. And burst it they did.

Tears. Because I’m in my 30s and single. Because I’m in my 30s and don’t make “a lot” of money. Because I’m in my 30s and don’t own a house…or have a dog…or a Mercedes…or a vacation rental. Because I don’t have kids. Because I’m not a size two or conventionally beautiful. Oh so many tears.

And I don’t know what was worst, the fact that those things on my good days NEVER make me feel sad or upset but rather empower me and make me feel badass. Or the fact that it was all true…

Let me rewind. Last Thursday, I was hit by a ton of bricks by something simple that jolted my soul without me realizing it (until the tears were flowing on the freeway). It doesn’t really matter what it was that was said but it kind of jolted me to my core…it definitely jolted me to my core. And then I began questioning everything I love.

I have worked my ass off my whole life. I have lived more than most. And I have enough stories and life experiences to fill a book. I love…or shall I say, loved, my life so much because I have literally been to hell in back in more ways than one. I have failed. Oh, I have failed so many times. And I’ve had to pack my bags and start fresh on countless occasions. Not because I am bad or dumb but because I’ve lived…and I’ve learned, oh have I learned! And all of those life lessons and experiences and relationships have helped make me who I am today. And today, I appreciate so much the life I now have and have somehow constructed. I love where I live. I adore my job. I am blessed to work for a company that allows me to be exactly me. I have always dreamed of living in the city I live in. I’m normally obsessed with the greatness of my life. That my weeks are filled with work I am passionate about and social gatherings and runs and hikes and trips to the beach and wine and laughter. And what makes me so unique and tick is that I don’t usually get where I’m going in life the conventional way. I’m a late bloomer, I take the road less travelled, but that’s what makes the journey so valuable and the end point becomes even more coveted. Which is why I am so upset that this one thing started eating away at me consciously and subconsciously. Why was I so easily being torn apart over this…

Money has never defined me, seriously. When I tell you I absolutely adore my job because I can be exactly who I am, it’s true. I’ve had jobs before that all I wanted to do was climb to the top and completely throw myself into work 15 hours a day…and I hated my life; I hated myself; and I hated that I had no friends. Finally finding a spot where I have just literally found my family and can geek out on things I love is invaluable in my eyes. And that’s the absolute truth. When you’ve been somewhere you hate and work for someone you don’t respect and cry at the idea of going back to work…that’s when you know the difference between what is right or wrong for you. And that’s why it’s so easy to show up every day excited and with a smile on your face.

Then, as far as relationships, yes I would love to find the right guy and be so sickening in love with him. No I am not a man hater. I often correct my mom and married sister when they generalize that “all men are jerks” to remind them that no, there are great men out there. I am looking forward to meeting one. But I also refuse to compromise and settle. After several detrimental and abusive relationships, I get that I have a pattern of finding the wrong guys for me. So this time around I am going to be cautious. And at the moment, being on my own and single actually does make me happy because I am not relying on someone else to make me smile. I’m not relying on a guy who can’t even be happy on his own to tear me down while I fester and try to build him back up…I’m not waiting for a guy that won’t even value me enough to treat me like someone special. And at this point in my world, I also know how life works for me. When the right person is meant to be in my life, he will show up and I won’t have to force it. I am going to value myself next time, so he has to as well. Period. So why was I instantly convinced my value as a human dropped because I’m not in a serious relationship or engaged or married…Why did it hurt me so much to see my own sister has a wedding board for me on Pinterest, but I don’t because that’s just not who I am.

Why is this festering in my mind. Why at 3 am was I wide awake thinking if I was worth more and if anyone would value me as so?

I’d be lying if I told you I have it all sorted back out in my head. I don’t. I wish I did. Because I’ve been in a funk and a bit sad about it all. Somedays I think if I had all those things, maybe it would be easier…maybe I would be happy…maybe I should try harder to get there…but honestly, maybe I would hate my life.

I’m normally the cheerleader in your life that reminds you how badass you are. How beautiful your soul is and how amazing your spirit is. Some days, I even believe that about myself. But this one deflated me more than I thought it would. And I’m working on getting back there. So this week I focus inwardly on figuring my head back out. Finding things I am thankful and grateful for. Going out of my way to do the things I love for me and only for me. Giving back to others. Smiling more. Enjoying the little things. And trying to not give a sh*t what anyone else in the world thinks because as long as it makes me happy, that’s enough.

And just because all those things aren’t for me right now in my life, doesn’t mean they aren’t for you. Do what makes you happy. Find what makes your soul shine and do that. And the people who love you and genuinely get you will totally understand that and want nothing but that for you and they won’t push you to be someone or something you aren’t.

While I haven’t figured it all out, I’ll leave you with this…

“Happy are they who take life day by day, complain very little, and are thankful for the little things in life.”

and…”The world is going to judge you no matter what you do. So live your life the way you f*cking want to.”

xx