does he love me? does he love me not?

i caught myself again. falling for the wrong guy. obsessing over how he was perfect. when he was anything but.

i assumed when he knew all these things about me, it was because he was interested. when he told me to hang out and have a beer with him, it was because he liked my company.

sure, there are two sides to every story…and exceptions to every rule…but if he was interested, he’d prove it…right? so when i came back from my 5 mile run and my friend was proud of how hard i worked, he said it looked like i ran through the sprinklers. thanks dude. and when he’s had every chance in the world to be nice to me and hasn’t…then it’s time to realize, yea, he’s just not into me.

so eff you dude. eff you for acting like you were into me and leaving me high and dry. eff you for kissing me and never asking for my number. for thinking i just wanted to hook up with you and when i didn’t do that, pretending like you never knew me. eff you for not pursuing me because i’m worth pursuing.

because a man who’s into a woman will leave no place for her to doubt.

xox.

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i did a thing today.

so i did a thing today.

a thing that scared me absolutely sh*tless.

today, i agreed to bare it all. well, basically. i mean, might as well have been naked!

today, i agreed to be on film, on camera, in front of others and eventually in front of strangers…in my sportsbra. yep. me and my sports bra. (and shorts of course.)

if you know me more intimately, which you probably don’t, then you know, i suffer an insane amount from body issues. most people don’t know that about me. most people don’t expect that from me.

but i have spent the better part of 30+ years hating myself. hating my body. hating the unique things that make me me. it isn’t fun. and i’m over it. the last 4+ years of my life have been the most positive to say the least. i slowly have started to make peace with the hand God dealt me. in the past 3 months, i’ve made strides in just that by beginning yoga and working on “grace” and “acceptance” and being happy and proud with ANY sort of movement I am allowed for the day.

but is it such an easy flip of the switch and change of perspective? Not even close. just yesterday, i spent an hour of yoga fighting tears. mad because i couldn’t turn my brain off. because i couldnt be happy with the movement i was doing. mad because my sweaty legs wouldn’t allow me to get deeper into a pose. mad because i knew i should be feeling stronger. mad because these thoughts wouldn’t disappear. mad because i couldnt enjoy my savansana.

telling myself i am beautiful and enough makes me cry. it hurts. because i still dont believe it. trust me, I WANT TO. i want to so badly have the confidence everyone else has. i want to be proud of my body. i want to look in the mirror and see me!  i want to be so freaking proud of how far i have come. easier said than done. i see my broad, rectangular shape. i see what i looked like 60 lbs ago.

but today was a step in the right direction. today i did something empowering. today i was scared and brave at the same time. today i took a chance to make a difference…in my world and in other women’s world. today i was not embarresed of the body i am in. i embraced it. i was proud of it. because, i have worked my ass off to get here…to show this off. i will never be tiny…it’s not in my dna…and that is OK. i eat healthy, i work my ass off and this woman is a bad ass chick who is kicking butt in so many ways. i no longer starve myself. i am trying to turn the negative self talk OFF. i am working on reminding myself that people look up to me and that i need to be the best version of myself for me and them.

while some days i feel so weak and like i have so much work today, today i feel strong. and proud. and happy. who knew someone would ask me to be in a sportsbra video…that someone was admiring my strength and work ethic. that someone thought i would be great for this project.

and by being around other amazing women who have found peace with who they are, it makes me want to be that way too.

i feel blessed constantly for what has been put on my plate. today i was reminded how lucky i am to be doing what i do. the unique, niche things i do. and i am so happy i get to be that person. i get to be in front of a camera. i get to show up and smile. i get to talk to people who want to hear what i say. i get to shine. how lucky am i?!

now if only i can get the mind to get on board…i think good things are in store.

i’m working on it. i’m getting there. i know i can and i will.

like i always have shared, i know i’m a late bloomer, and this will come too. life has gotten me this far and taught me all of these things, there is more in store for me, and i know i have great things in my future.

until then, i’m going be proud of what i accomplished today. and let that be enough.

xox.

my world.

where do i begin?

it’s september. and i haven’t been writing. but constantly have a voice in my head urging me to find a computer stat or pen and paper and let the words just flow. but by the time i get there, it’s too late. i’m tired or worn out or already emotionally drained and don’t have enough left to put it all into words.

i need to be more intentional. set one day a week at least where i write. i need it. but for now, i”m here…and let’s just see what comes out.

today i find myself in a bit of an emotional bind. a bit stressed and unhappy with several things in my life. actually, we could go across the board and pick a topic and i can argue one thing i’m not exactly satisfied with in that realm. i hate that. i hate being negative. but deep down, i naturally have that tendency to dwell on bad stuff. that tendency to let life pull me down. and usually right when i begin to lose my breathe and i can’t tread water any more, i snap out of it or find a grand reason that keeps me grateful.

let’s see if i can break anything down. i might just use this space as a makeshift therapy sesh if you all don’t mind.

i hung out with a guy a bit ago. a guy who i was sure despised me. literally. yet, the night we found ourselves in the same space he kept talking to me and spurring the conversation. until hours later it was him and i chatting about all the things. life, depression, what makes us tick, political affiliations, hopes, goals, dreams…everything. this guy i assumed hated me seemed to have some sort of a soft spot for me. and after he told me he “knew” where i lived, i felt like he had been watching from afar…which was weird because i rarely saw him..like never. well life happens and he seemed to not be very interested…until today i saw him driving in front of me as i turned onto my street to go home. his ex and daughter live next door to me. how’s that for ironic. maybe that causes some hesitation…although either way, he could have not disappeared the way he did. which then only makes me wonder what is so wrong with me that someone could do that?! c’est la vie.

next.

so i started yoga. it’s been great. and there are a bunch of reasons i am so glad to be doing it, and mainly the big ones — my body could use some extra love; i didn’t realize how well my body would react to the core and strength training that didn’t involve weights (think: easily lost 6 lbs without even trying); then there’s the whole “accepting and appreciating your body and what it has to offer day in and day out;” oh and the “no comparing to others” thing…yea, those. Those might be bigger reasons why I threw myself into yoga. Practicing 3-4 times a week. Because lord only knows how badly i need to love myself and my body. but here’s the thing…the more i am told to accept it and love it…the more frustrated i get. why wasn’t i dealt different genes. why do my feet supinate so extreme? why is it that i don’t know what it is like to live without hip pain. why does my body actually hurt monday through friday (on a good week!)?! why can i lift all the weights but not my body a graceful position? ok. so why? because God gave me all this to work with. and it’s my mission to make peace with it. but how easy is that after literally hating my body for 30+ years. literally. it’s not an easy thing to end a 30 year war. it’s extremely hard to change perspective and mindspace and change the thoughts. I am slowly, but it’s not easy. it’s an internal fight. it’s tough to be nice to myself when i still don’t like what i see. will i ever like her? jeez, i hope so.

lately i’m trying SO SO hard to work on me. to find the tools i need. to be the best version of me. to stay in my lane and look inward and know i’m on the right path. but somedays i feel it gets even worst.

the voice in my head somedays sounds louder. or the obsession with food and working out is there more often. if i didnt sweat for 3 hours, it’s not enough. 3 hours?! that’s how much i worked out as a top athlete. my body is starving for time off but my mind refuses to entertain that idea. days off..hah! you’re sore…run it off…you’re tired, get in the gym. yet when a friend comes to me tired, sore and injured — i tell them to listen to their body and be ok to take some time off.

it’s exhausting.

i think that’s why it’s so tough to me  to get back here and write. it’s literally exhausting. exhausting justifying it in my head. if i eat that, will it be ok if i just hit the gym ONCE today?! can i get away with just a few miles of a run…what if i didn’t get cardio in?! my head is a mess.

i was talking to a friend the other day and it all started coming out. how i’m trying so hard to make peace with my body but sometimes it just feels like all i’ve done is illuminated my weaknesses. and then i get frustrated.

i had so much more to say but i think this is where i end it today.

be the change. appreciate what you hate. trade expectation for gratitude. your body is a blessing…try and remember that.

xox.

what if…

so, i’m on my yoga journey! i’ve committed to yoga…for a few reasons…but the real reason i keep going is because of the mental work. it’s so just what i need.

don’t get me wrong, i desperately need the physical work too. give me weights to push around in the gym all day, and i will…but make me hold myself up in a position relying on my shoulders and stiff legs and breathe to get me through…that’s a whole other story.

i want to write more on yoga so far, but wanted to just jott some stuff down before calling it a night…every class i am reminded to be grateful and appreciative for my body and it’s ability to move. and that each day presents us with different challenges and nothing is ever the same day to day. and where you are at (in life or yoga) should never be a way to judge or compare…because your journey is your own and no one elses. ok we know these things…but why is it so much more powerful through yoga?!

as we closed out class, i was reminded going into savasana to “let go of any thoughts that don’t serve me for the best.” and it made me think, most of the voices in my head are a$$holes. but what if they got quiet? what if i stopped listening to them? what if i quieted them to let the beautiful voice be the only thing i hear? what if that is the thing holding me back and something so simple can dramatically change my world. they say “change your thoughts and your world will change.” can you imagine…when life is already good, how much better can it get when you shut off those voices that constantly pull you down and make you feel bad.

somedays i think i secretly enjoy the a$$hole voice in the back of my head. but, like my life, i am trying not to make the same mistakes that i’ve mad in the past — trying not to end up with the abusive, narcissists…i think it’s time to break up with that a$$hole voice for ever. it’s kind of weird to have clinged to such negative thoughts for so much of my life…like ALL of it. i don’t even know how to be without putting myself down or telling myself i could do better, work harder, be more disciplined…but maybe it’s time to try. really try. really shut the negative sh*t out. really find a way to deal with it when it does come up.

so i will continue to work on my yoga and centering my mind and body and appreciating all my little flaws. after all, that’s what i continually am asking for in my soul mate — for someone who loves me for me, and loves my flaws and pushes me to be my best while they feel inspired and encouraged by me to be their best. couldn’t hurt.

here goes nothing…namaste.

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xox.

#34

today was a good day.

i’m not going to lie, i was terrified of the next number in my life…34…i mean, it’s literally the mid-30s. and in case anyone is playing along, i’m still figuring out this whole life thing out.

sure, i have the basics set. but no, i’m not married (hah i’m actually very single…and very ok with it!). i don’t own a home. i don’t have kids (and i’m not sure i want them either).

but guess what? i love where i live. i adore my job. i have met some amazing people. i continue to get stronger — mentally and physically. i keep meeting people who are the sorts of people i want in my life. 90% of the time, i love every minute of my day. i have a great relationship with my mom and sister. i continue to set goals and work on knocking them down. i’m healthier and fitter than i have ever been in more ways than one. and i’m working on loving me.

i’d say that’s more than most people have going for them.

today i took a walk with some amazing ladies. one of them told me how 34 was her best year. how she felt the most empowered and strongest and owned her life at that age. it made me hopeful. and by the way things went today, i think i’m off to a good start. i think 34 will be good. i know i have more to grow and learn and experience and i’m looking forward to the knowledge and eagerness i can bring to each new experience.

keep moving, keep growing, keep pushing through obstacles, keep evolving,

34…let’s do this!

life is a motherf*cking balance.

when i finally write my book, that will be the name of it.

life is a motherf*cking balance.

there isn’t a week that goes by that those words don’t come out of my mouth. ok, well not the “motherf*cking” part but you get my jist.

ironically, i didn’t always believe that though.

let’s backtrack.

back in…let’s see, 2010…maybe 2011. i asked my boss if i could go to a women’s coaching conference. what’s crazy about my memory, i remember so many things SO VIVIDLY, but there are so many things i have no recollection of…so i can’t even remember where this conference was held, but i remember so many parts of it so clear. i made so many fabulous connections and was able to vent. i was stuck in a coaching career which i “loved.” hah…apparently i didn’t know what love was back then. i had done an amazing job of convincing myself and EVERYONE around me and in my life that i LOVED my job…my career! my life.

here’s the truth. i was miserable. i had a boss i didn’t respect (for a 100 reasons, but mainly because he didn’t have a backbone). i didn’t have friends. i had NO life outside of my job. my success was based on the performance of 8-10 18-22 year olds on any given day. i wanted to be a head coach but didn’t have the experience. i wanted friends but didn’t have them. i stopped working on me. i was fat and overweight and out of shape. i rewarded myself with food. i loved to travel because there was nothing else i had to look forward to. i cried anytime i had to go back to work. things weren’t great folks. but i grinned and smiled through it all and did a convincingly amazing job relaying the message: “i love being a college coach! i was born to do this!”

so back to this conference. i learned so much and used it to fuel my plans to become a head coach somewhere. anywhere! however there was one day where we all picked phrases/words and had to talk about how they related to our life. when i closed my eyes to choose and open them, i frowned a bit when i saw, “life is a balance” starring back at me. at this point in my life, life was NOT a balance. my life revolved around work. and i LOVED it (please note that is said dripping with sarcasm!). i sat there trying to explain how this phrase mattered to me…”um i mean, i guess this is good because i work too much and don’t really have a life out of coaching. my friends are other coaches…and they are scattered across the country and i see them maybe 4 times a year at tournaments, dual matches and recruiting trips…so yea, i need to balance my life.” I said it with a smile trying to convince myself more than anyone else in the room.

well…aside from learning how to be a badass coach, mentor, manager, human that weekend, i got working on finding new spots for me to thrive. applying for jobs anywhere…everywhere…literally EVERYWHERE. i knew a new start would open up this “balance” i needed in my life. let’s just say what’s to follow is a whole chapter (or book!) of its own…but life doesn’t always work out the way we planned it (speaking of mantras, i remember once being told, “sometimes dreams change, and that’s ok” — another one i had to relearn once it applied to my life).

so after leaving the university i poured my heart and soul and LIFE into for 3 years, i ended up going back to california. i think this is what they call “hitting rock bottom.”

yea. i did that. let’s skip the middle part because again…different chapters.

and let’s come back to present day. life is a BALANCE.

would you believe i still have those words and see them every morning and every night?! would you believe it if i told you they mean more to me ever today than they ever did previously?

this week is national eating disorder awareness. sadly, my eating hasn’t been the only spot where i’ve needed balance. when i was 16-18, i spent hours training and consumed maybe 800 calories on a good day…or binged on cookie dough. i was the smallest i’d ever been. and then college came. and while i was a top d1 athlete, by my senior year i had managed to gain 20 lbs. and then i had nothing to work for. i wasn’t able to turn pro due to financial reasons. i had “nothing to train for.” so i didn’t. and years passed. and pounds packed on. and one day i was 28 and in a relationship with a man who told me i needed to go to the gym because i was fat. and i was depressed and not happy. and life blessed me with what at the time felt like a dagger but in all honesty was probably the BEST thing that ever could have happened.

i went home to california. i was depressed. i hated myself. i cried a lot. i yelled. i sulked. i applied for jobs. but i started working out again. i slowly started working on me. and i got into it. and i ate healthier. and i educated myself. and i learned. and while i was sad, it was something else to focus on.

and finally life turned around. i moved to the central coast. i found an actual dream job in the city i had always dreamed of living.

and i turned 30.

i began learning what a balance in life was. a little work, a little fun, a little sweat, a little play, a little here and there. time with friends, time on my own. running, lifting, tennis, off days. life became a balance. to this day, my life is a motherf*cking balance 🙂 of juggling me!

while every day i still struggle and deal with disordered eating, i’ve slowly gotten more comfortable with food and the balance of it all. somedays (like today) i run 6 miles and go to the gym and eat salads and chicken…and somedays i take a day off and enjoy wine and a bite (or 15) of cake. life is a balance.

and on that note, as much as i want to keep babbling on…i have to meet friends for dinner because yep, you guessed it…life is a balance. work hard, play hard…love the life you live.

xox

My happy looks different than yours. And that’s ok.

Yesterday as my sister and I were driving down the 210, tears began flowing from my eyes. Real tears. And lots of them. And suddenly my happiness bubble shattered. The weight of society and the rest of the world meticulously found a pin to burst my bubble. And burst it they did.

Tears. Because I’m in my 30s and single. Because I’m in my 30s and don’t make “a lot” of money. Because I’m in my 30s and don’t own a house…or have a dog…or a Mercedes…or a vacation rental. Because I don’t have kids. Because I’m not a size two or conventionally beautiful. Oh so many tears.

And I don’t know what was worst, the fact that those things on my good days NEVER make me feel sad or upset but rather empower me and make me feel badass. Or the fact that it was all true…

Let me rewind. Last Thursday, I was hit by a ton of bricks by something simple that jolted my soul without me realizing it (until the tears were flowing on the freeway). It doesn’t really matter what it was that was said but it kind of jolted me to my core…it definitely jolted me to my core. And then I began questioning everything I love.

I have worked my ass off my whole life. I have lived more than most. And I have enough stories and life experiences to fill a book. I love…or shall I say, loved, my life so much because I have literally been to hell in back in more ways than one. I have failed. Oh, I have failed so many times. And I’ve had to pack my bags and start fresh on countless occasions. Not because I am bad or dumb but because I’ve lived…and I’ve learned, oh have I learned! And all of those life lessons and experiences and relationships have helped make me who I am today. And today, I appreciate so much the life I now have and have somehow constructed. I love where I live. I adore my job. I am blessed to work for a company that allows me to be exactly me. I have always dreamed of living in the city I live in. I’m normally obsessed with the greatness of my life. That my weeks are filled with work I am passionate about and social gatherings and runs and hikes and trips to the beach and wine and laughter. And what makes me so unique and tick is that I don’t usually get where I’m going in life the conventional way. I’m a late bloomer, I take the road less travelled, but that’s what makes the journey so valuable and the end point becomes even more coveted. Which is why I am so upset that this one thing started eating away at me consciously and subconsciously. Why was I so easily being torn apart over this…

Money has never defined me, seriously. When I tell you I absolutely adore my job because I can be exactly who I am, it’s true. I’ve had jobs before that all I wanted to do was climb to the top and completely throw myself into work 15 hours a day…and I hated my life; I hated myself; and I hated that I had no friends. Finally finding a spot where I have just literally found my family and can geek out on things I love is invaluable in my eyes. And that’s the absolute truth. When you’ve been somewhere you hate and work for someone you don’t respect and cry at the idea of going back to work…that’s when you know the difference between what is right or wrong for you. And that’s why it’s so easy to show up every day excited and with a smile on your face.

Then, as far as relationships, yes I would love to find the right guy and be so sickening in love with him. No I am not a man hater. I often correct my mom and married sister when they generalize that “all men are jerks” to remind them that no, there are great men out there. I am looking forward to meeting one. But I also refuse to compromise and settle. After several detrimental and abusive relationships, I get that I have a pattern of finding the wrong guys for me. So this time around I am going to be cautious. And at the moment, being on my own and single actually does make me happy because I am not relying on someone else to make me smile. I’m not relying on a guy who can’t even be happy on his own to tear me down while I fester and try to build him back up…I’m not waiting for a guy that won’t even value me enough to treat me like someone special. And at this point in my world, I also know how life works for me. When the right person is meant to be in my life, he will show up and I won’t have to force it. I am going to value myself next time, so he has to as well. Period. So why was I instantly convinced my value as a human dropped because I’m not in a serious relationship or engaged or married…Why did it hurt me so much to see my own sister has a wedding board for me on Pinterest, but I don’t because that’s just not who I am.

Why is this festering in my mind. Why at 3 am was I wide awake thinking if I was worth more and if anyone would value me as so?

I’d be lying if I told you I have it all sorted back out in my head. I don’t. I wish I did. Because I’ve been in a funk and a bit sad about it all. Somedays I think if I had all those things, maybe it would be easier…maybe I would be happy…maybe I should try harder to get there…but honestly, maybe I would hate my life.

I’m normally the cheerleader in your life that reminds you how badass you are. How beautiful your soul is and how amazing your spirit is. Some days, I even believe that about myself. But this one deflated me more than I thought it would. And I’m working on getting back there. So this week I focus inwardly on figuring my head back out. Finding things I am thankful and grateful for. Going out of my way to do the things I love for me and only for me. Giving back to others. Smiling more. Enjoying the little things. And trying to not give a sh*t what anyone else in the world thinks because as long as it makes me happy, that’s enough.

And just because all those things aren’t for me right now in my life, doesn’t mean they aren’t for you. Do what makes you happy. Find what makes your soul shine and do that. And the people who love you and genuinely get you will totally understand that and want nothing but that for you and they won’t push you to be someone or something you aren’t.

While I haven’t figured it all out, I’ll leave you with this…

“Happy are they who take life day by day, complain very little, and are thankful for the little things in life.”

and…”The world is going to judge you no matter what you do. So live your life the way you f*cking want to.”

xx