i did a thing today.

so i did a thing today.

a thing that scared me absolutely sh*tless.

today, i agreed to bare it all. well, basically. i mean, might as well have been naked!

today, i agreed to be on film, on camera, in front of others and eventually in front of strangers…in my sportsbra. yep. me and my sports bra. (and shorts of course.)

if you know me more intimately, which you probably don’t, then you know, i suffer an insane amount from body issues. most people don’t know that about me. most people don’t expect that from me.

but i have spent the better part of 30+ years hating myself. hating my body. hating the unique things that make me me. it isn’t fun. and i’m over it. the last 4+ years of my life have been the most positive to say the least. i slowly have started to make peace with the hand God dealt me. in the past 3 months, i’ve made strides in just that by beginning yoga and working on “grace” and “acceptance” and being happy and proud with ANY sort of movement I am allowed for the day.

but is it such an easy flip of the switch and change of perspective? Not even close. just yesterday, i spent an hour of yoga fighting tears. mad because i couldn’t turn my brain off. because i couldnt be happy with the movement i was doing. mad because my sweaty legs wouldn’t allow me to get deeper into a pose. mad because i knew i should be feeling stronger. mad because these thoughts wouldn’t disappear. mad because i couldnt enjoy my savansana.

telling myself i am beautiful and enough makes me cry. it hurts. because i still dont believe it. trust me, I WANT TO. i want to so badly have the confidence everyone else has. i want to be proud of my body. i want to look in the mirror and see me!  i want to be so freaking proud of how far i have come. easier said than done. i see my broad, rectangular shape. i see what i looked like 60 lbs ago.

but today was a step in the right direction. today i did something empowering. today i was scared and brave at the same time. today i took a chance to make a difference…in my world and in other women’s world. today i was not embarresed of the body i am in. i embraced it. i was proud of it. because, i have worked my ass off to get here…to show this off. i will never be tiny…it’s not in my dna…and that is OK. i eat healthy, i work my ass off and this woman is a bad ass chick who is kicking butt in so many ways. i no longer starve myself. i am trying to turn the negative self talk OFF. i am working on reminding myself that people look up to me and that i need to be the best version of myself for me and them.

while some days i feel so weak and like i have so much work today, today i feel strong. and proud. and happy. who knew someone would ask me to be in a sportsbra video…that someone was admiring my strength and work ethic. that someone thought i would be great for this project.

and by being around other amazing women who have found peace with who they are, it makes me want to be that way too.

i feel blessed constantly for what has been put on my plate. today i was reminded how lucky i am to be doing what i do. the unique, niche things i do. and i am so happy i get to be that person. i get to be in front of a camera. i get to show up and smile. i get to talk to people who want to hear what i say. i get to shine. how lucky am i?!

now if only i can get the mind to get on board…i think good things are in store.

i’m working on it. i’m getting there. i know i can and i will.

like i always have shared, i know i’m a late bloomer, and this will come too. life has gotten me this far and taught me all of these things, there is more in store for me, and i know i have great things in my future.

until then, i’m going be proud of what i accomplished today. and let that be enough.

xox.

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my world.

where do i begin?

it’s september. and i haven’t been writing. but constantly have a voice in my head urging me to find a computer stat or pen and paper and let the words just flow. but by the time i get there, it’s too late. i’m tired or worn out or already emotionally drained and don’t have enough left to put it all into words.

i need to be more intentional. set one day a week at least where i write. i need it. but for now, i”m here…and let’s just see what comes out.

today i find myself in a bit of an emotional bind. a bit stressed and unhappy with several things in my life. actually, we could go across the board and pick a topic and i can argue one thing i’m not exactly satisfied with in that realm. i hate that. i hate being negative. but deep down, i naturally have that tendency to dwell on bad stuff. that tendency to let life pull me down. and usually right when i begin to lose my breathe and i can’t tread water any more, i snap out of it or find a grand reason that keeps me grateful.

let’s see if i can break anything down. i might just use this space as a makeshift therapy sesh if you all don’t mind.

i hung out with a guy a bit ago. a guy who i was sure despised me. literally. yet, the night we found ourselves in the same space he kept talking to me and spurring the conversation. until hours later it was him and i chatting about all the things. life, depression, what makes us tick, political affiliations, hopes, goals, dreams…everything. this guy i assumed hated me seemed to have some sort of a soft spot for me. and after he told me he “knew” where i lived, i felt like he had been watching from afar…which was weird because i rarely saw him..like never. well life happens and he seemed to not be very interested…until today i saw him driving in front of me as i turned onto my street to go home. his ex and daughter live next door to me. how’s that for ironic. maybe that causes some hesitation…although either way, he could have not disappeared the way he did. which then only makes me wonder what is so wrong with me that someone could do that?! c’est la vie.

next.

so i started yoga. it’s been great. and there are a bunch of reasons i am so glad to be doing it, and mainly the big ones — my body could use some extra love; i didn’t realize how well my body would react to the core and strength training that didn’t involve weights (think: easily lost 6 lbs without even trying); then there’s the whole “accepting and appreciating your body and what it has to offer day in and day out;” oh and the “no comparing to others” thing…yea, those. Those might be bigger reasons why I threw myself into yoga. Practicing 3-4 times a week. Because lord only knows how badly i need to love myself and my body. but here’s the thing…the more i am told to accept it and love it…the more frustrated i get. why wasn’t i dealt different genes. why do my feet supinate so extreme? why is it that i don’t know what it is like to live without hip pain. why does my body actually hurt monday through friday (on a good week!)?! why can i lift all the weights but not my body a graceful position? ok. so why? because God gave me all this to work with. and it’s my mission to make peace with it. but how easy is that after literally hating my body for 30+ years. literally. it’s not an easy thing to end a 30 year war. it’s extremely hard to change perspective and mindspace and change the thoughts. I am slowly, but it’s not easy. it’s an internal fight. it’s tough to be nice to myself when i still don’t like what i see. will i ever like her? jeez, i hope so.

lately i’m trying SO SO hard to work on me. to find the tools i need. to be the best version of me. to stay in my lane and look inward and know i’m on the right path. but somedays i feel it gets even worst.

the voice in my head somedays sounds louder. or the obsession with food and working out is there more often. if i didnt sweat for 3 hours, it’s not enough. 3 hours?! that’s how much i worked out as a top athlete. my body is starving for time off but my mind refuses to entertain that idea. days off..hah! you’re sore…run it off…you’re tired, get in the gym. yet when a friend comes to me tired, sore and injured — i tell them to listen to their body and be ok to take some time off.

it’s exhausting.

i think that’s why it’s so tough to me  to get back here and write. it’s literally exhausting. exhausting justifying it in my head. if i eat that, will it be ok if i just hit the gym ONCE today?! can i get away with just a few miles of a run…what if i didn’t get cardio in?! my head is a mess.

i was talking to a friend the other day and it all started coming out. how i’m trying so hard to make peace with my body but sometimes it just feels like all i’ve done is illuminated my weaknesses. and then i get frustrated.

i had so much more to say but i think this is where i end it today.

be the change. appreciate what you hate. trade expectation for gratitude. your body is a blessing…try and remember that.

xox.