why my last run of the year reflected 2016 perfectly.

lately words have been spewing out of my head and i’ve had such an urge to write. but i haven’t. for a hundred reasons. sometimes just opening the laptop and letting the words come out takes more energy and work than i wish. sometimes the words are coming out of my head when i’m on a run and i just don’t have the energy to recreate them after the fact. sometimes i have things i’d love to write but know if certain people ever read them, their heart would break and that’s not worth it to me.

but i’ve been looking forward to this weekend all week. a weekend to reflect and gear up for 2017. a weekend to write! a weekend to collect thoughts and say things that need to be said.

2016 apparently wasn’t a great year for some. i’m impartial to it to be honest. but the last run i just went on PERFECTLY summed up my 2016.

it had just stopped raining, so definitely not sunny and warm, a mild 50 degrees…just warm enough to not wear gloves. i stepped outside, turned on my music and started up the hill. within a quarter of a mile, i realized i forgot a headband. i workout most days of my life, sometimes two or three times a day. i NEVER sweat without some sort of hat or headband. but there i was, just far enough away to realize this run would be done without the one thing i always have on a run.

2016 was a jumble for me. there were moments where i actually lost my mind. i started the year losing my wallet. let’s rewind. last NYE i moved into a new apartment. i had found an amazing place, bigger than my studio, cheaper than my studio, with front and back balconies and views of my favorite mountains…almost too good to be true. just a little dated, but hey i’ve always been into that vintage look! so last NYE i was reminding myself how to be me. how to be independent and on my own and solo. i had still been dealing with a breakup and wasn’t 100% myself. A week into the new year, i lost my wallet. if i explained the story, you wouldn’t believe it. i went to costco after work to pick up a few things. ran home to change and go meet some friends down town. when i was heading out to leave, i frantically couldn’t find my wallet. i panicked. crying. sobbing. hysterical. a complete mess. i called my mom literally losing my mind. i didn’t give a shit about what was in the wallet but it was a Louis Vuitton wallet, which meant the world to me. my mom convinced me to go back to costco and retrace my steps. i walked in crying and calmly asked if they had any wallets turned in. nothing that was mine. i went back to where i parked and laid on the ground searching in the dark for any sign of my wallet. finally, a lady who was collecting carts asked if she could help and suggested i check the carts. i walked over to the collection of carts, turned my flashlight on and dropped my jaw. my wallet was sitting in the cart. right where i had left it. i hugged the lady and thanked her at least 20 times. we both praised the city we live in and i instantly called my mom to explain. she reminded me to thank my lucky stars and pray that i had someone looking out for me.

i have never in my life lost something of that much value. but i did this year. and that’s how my year started…

scattered is always a word i use to describe myself but i took it to new levels this year. not because i meant to. i honestly think my head was just too full to let go of some things. it was a clear reminder to slow down in more ways than one.

anyway, back to the run…here’s how it was sounding in my head earlier…

my last run of 2016 was far from pretty but it was absolutely beautiful. it wasn’t as long as i wanted it to be, but it was still a great effort and was what i could do today. it wasn’t easy, there were lots of moments of struggle, but i got through them. i stopped to enjoy the views. i stopped to take pictures. i waved to strangers. i smiled at the fact that i found my stride and felt good doing so. i sang to the songs playing. i sweated and put in the work. and i was disciplined enough to get out there and get it done.

my year wasn’t pretty, but there were many beautiful moments.

i struggled. damn did i struggle, especially toward the end. but i got through it and i feel stronger because of it…at least i’m convincing myself of that part still.

when i look back at my year i realize i actually did a lot. i had fun. i smiled. i loved. i hurt a bit. i set goals. i broke through barriers. i shaped my body. i cried. i smiled. i made new friends and lost old ones. i found what means a lot to me.

but the one thing i realize i did in 2016 is i took a step back. for whatever reason, i hid parts of myself that i love from the world because i was worried about what “they” would say. i feel like at times i let my friends who say i’m super positive down because i pulled back from being positive on social media because i was worried what others would think. well for 2017 i say, f*ck that noise. i genuinely want to love me in 2017 and plan to be a role model and positive force to be reckoned with. love me or hate me, i am going to be me in the new year!

cheers, be safe, and let’s make 2017 an amazing one!

xox.

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when he’s being an a**.

I’m not gonna lie. I have had it up to here with a**holes. So, when one of my guy friends seemed to befriend me and start spending a lot of time with me, and even fooled half of our social circle into the fact that we were (or weren’t we?) dating…I enjoyed it. Yes. Maybe that means I was using him as much as he was using me. But I enjoyed the fact that a) if people thought I were dating said guy friend that it was a definite upgrade from my ex and b) if people thought I was dating said guy friend, maybe somehow that made me more special…and c) I liked his company and honestly could see me dating SAID GUY FRIEND (plus, did I mention, he’s cute?!).

SO when I realized said guy friend has THE worst taste in women, it completely killed the vibe. And it broke a little piece of my heart. So you are into the dumbest, skinniest, blondes? (No offense ladies…but really?!) Said guy friend has been a friend for over 3 years. On and off and on again for different reasons…but that time it was my birthday and he may (or may not?) have hooked up with someone who I consider to be a younger sister is reason enough why we never got real close. But, he was roommates with two of my favorite people…which was reason enough why we DID in fact get close. So when he started spending nights at my place…and in my bed…well I guess the line got, to say the least, blurry. And when every other friday turned into a night out of drinking, dancing, deep thoughts and flirtation…well I guess I thought maybe something more was there. I guess I thought maybe he would realize I am actually the one he wants. But I’m not dumb. Or skinny…And I’m a legit blonde…not the fake┬áblonde type.

So since he’s spoken all of 5 words to me in the last 3 days, I guess I see where I stand. And since I know I come nothing close to his standards, I will pretend to not care. But the thing is. I am what he wants. I am the right choice. But in all honestly, he doesn’t deserve me. And I should never talk to him for treating me like I now don’t exist…but really, I should have been smarter and known better and never trusted him.

And for that…I refuse to be effected. I’m sorry but eff you. If you’ve been in fact using me to get what you want from other people or waste your time, then karma has something coming at you. That’s not what friends are. I expected so much more from you, and can honestly say I’m actually disappointed in who you’ve turned out to be. And that’s all I can say for now, but it hurts my heart to know you might have used me…

xox.