oxnard.

i’ve been fighting these words and feeling these feelings. but maybe it’s time to write them down.

last week, my sister and i got in a fight. a big fight. a fight that left me heart broken. and confused. and hurt.

most of the time, i’m the first to apologize. maybe it’s the older sister in me. or the fear of someone hating me. or the fact that i hate unresolved issues. like the time she lost it and threw me out of her house. i was the first to say something. i poured my heart out to her. yet here we are. 4 months later. and i feel the same all over again. but i know i did nothing wrong. and this time instead of sweeping it away and pretending it’s ok…i am looking out for me.

my heart hurts. after this fight i realized it was identical to almost every break up i’ve had. how sad and devastating is that? i blame myself for a lot. and that’s just what she’s doing…blaming me for things i have no control over.

but it doesn’t effect her like it effects me. it doesn’t send her in a down whirl spiral. it doesn’t cause her to beat herself up…mentally and physically. it doesn’t cause her to hate what she sees in the mirror — on the inside and the out. to have a voice inside berate her…to feel like the most disgusting human being…to feel like an ugly, disgusting person. to want to run away…to anywhere else. to fuck everything and be mad at the world. to not want to have to fake a smile. no. she doesn’t get it.

and i’ve been avoiding writing it or dealing with it. because honestly, i never have. because my fear of losing my sister is bigger. because i let it go. me and my big mouth let what is bothering me the most go. and she forgets what she said, how she acted and what she did and begins complaining about the next thing.

i won’t let people like that in my world. i can’t let her continue to do this. and i know she doesn’t get it. and never will. and it hurts too that she doesn’t try.

and what am i to do. i don’t like the way she treats me when he’s around. i don’t like how she treats me like i’m not as good as her…i don’t like how she’s so defensive…i don’t like how she goes from zero to sixty instead of being rational. and i don’t know how to move forward with her this time.

where is my mind.

Here’s the thing, if you can’t tell already…I am one of those people who lives in the moment. I get super excited and passionate about things on my plate. I’m not going to lie, I get distracted easily and the term “blonde moment” may have been created because of me. And when I’m on, I have a tendency to go 100 miles per minute. There’s no telling me no or to slow down.

With that being said, 2016 has been an interesting year for me. I have had more things come up where I literally am asking myself “where is my head?” While I am scattered at times, I don’t lose too many things. While I’m clumsy sometimes, I don’t break too many things. This year, I’ve lost my wallet (that’s an interesting story! Thank God I live in an amazing town and it was right where I left it an hour later), my car got banged up and I’m still not quite sure how, and most recently, I left my phone on top of my car and then drove away. Yea…

I read a quote the other day that said something along the lines of “my extrovert personality covers up my introvert tendencies.” I like to be busy and love being social, but there are those days and moments where I need my time. On a daily basis I can usually achieve that when I get a workout or run in (although, let’s be honest, some days the gym is definitely too much of a social activity!). The other day, I went to get some sand sprints in after work — a weekly workout I actually love — beach + sand + sprints + endorphins. Long story short, there are those days when runs just don’t really happen the way they are supposed to. It was super windy, a bit cold, and a half mile in, I had to pee! So, I turned around, jogged to the bathroom and was pumped to get my sprints going now that I was sufficiently warm and my bladder was empty. I start my timer and get going…A mile in, my already super tight calf really tightens up and I realize if I sprint one more time, there’s a good chance it would tear (been there done that, it’s NOT fun). I stop, turn around, and hobble back to my car. I set my phone down and shake the sand from my shoes. Get in and go on my merry way. Yea…2 minutes later, I’m wondering where my phone is. The freeway onramp comes up and I’m about to get on the freeway when I realize I really actually have no idea where my phone is and I need to pull over and look for it.

A half mile later I pull over to a gas station, search my purse and passenger seat, maybe under my seat…nope. I get out, and there it is…laying right on top of my car. Right where I left it. Ironically, before all of this I was contemplating giving my Mom a call to catch up, the phone on the car solidified the fact that she needed to hear how much I had officially lost it. “Where is my mind? What is wrong with me?” I asked, literally laughing but with a slight tone of seriousness, like do I need to check myself into the mental institute NOW?? Obviously a clear sign to slow down.

The next morning at work, I submitted a mental health day off.

And here I am enjoying said day off! 🙂 Honestly, it’s one of the best feelings in the world. I have threatened for months to take a day off…and haven’t…for a hundred reasons. Because I tell myself “I don’t need a day off” or I feel bad if I take a day off, or I just don’t think I realize the importance of a mental reset. Or maybe it’s also the fact that I want to take an actual sick day but I know HR will hound me for not going to the doctors on my deathbed or having a sick child.

But I woke up this morning without my alarm going off. Brushed my teeth, made my coffee like normal and am sitting here with the crisp fall air rushing in and writing. It’s quite liberating! And well worth it and now that I’m actually taking said day off, I realize how badly I needed it! So far, I have no guilt for taking it off, yea, still working on that whole “give yourself a break every now and then” thing! And after the way I reacted last week to some internet hate, it’s always nice to have a little distance and a bit of a reset. My day consists of a fall hike and maybe some wine with friends, but honestly, as long as I smile, slow down and enjoy the day, it will be well worth the 8 hours of vacation time. Enjoy the day.

xox.