my world.

where do i begin?

it’s september. and i haven’t been writing. but constantly have a voice in my head urging me to find a computer stat or pen and paper and let the words just flow. but by the time i get there, it’s too late. i’m tired or worn out or already emotionally drained and don’t have enough left to put it all into words.

i need to be more intentional. set one day a week at least where i write. i need it. but for now, i”m here…and let’s just see what comes out.

today i find myself in a bit of an emotional bind. a bit stressed and unhappy with several things in my life. actually, we could go across the board and pick a topic and i can argue one thing i’m not exactly satisfied with in that realm. i hate that. i hate being negative. but deep down, i naturally have that tendency to dwell on bad stuff. that tendency to let life pull me down. and usually right when i begin to lose my breathe and i can’t tread water any more, i snap out of it or find a grand reason that keeps me grateful.

let’s see if i can break anything down. i might just use this space as a makeshift therapy sesh if you all don’t mind.

i hung out with a guy a bit ago. a guy who i was sure despised me. literally. yet, the night we found ourselves in the same space he kept talking to me and spurring the conversation. until hours later it was him and i chatting about all the things. life, depression, what makes us tick, political affiliations, hopes, goals, dreams…everything. this guy i assumed hated me seemed to have some sort of a soft spot for me. and after he told me he “knew” where i lived, i felt like he had been watching from afar…which was weird because i rarely saw him..like never. well life happens and he seemed to not be very interested…until today i saw him driving in front of me as i turned onto my street to go home. his ex and daughter live next door to me. how’s that for ironic. maybe that causes some hesitation…although either way, he could have not disappeared the way he did. which then only makes me wonder what is so wrong with me that someone could do that?! c’est la vie.

next.

so i started yoga. it’s been great. and there are a bunch of reasons i am so glad to be doing it, and mainly the big ones — my body could use some extra love; i didn’t realize how well my body would react to the core and strength training that didn’t involve weights (think: easily lost 6 lbs without even trying); then there’s the whole “accepting and appreciating your body and what it has to offer day in and day out;” oh and the “no comparing to others” thing…yea, those. Those might be bigger reasons why I threw myself into yoga. Practicing 3-4 times a week. Because lord only knows how badly i need to love myself and my body. but here’s the thing…the more i am told to accept it and love it…the more frustrated i get. why wasn’t i dealt different genes. why do my feet supinate so extreme? why is it that i don’t know what it is like to live without hip pain. why does my body actually hurt monday through friday (on a good week!)?! why can i lift all the weights but not my body a graceful position? ok. so why? because God gave me all this to work with. and it’s my mission to make peace with it. but how easy is that after literally hating my body for 30+ years. literally. it’s not an easy thing to end a 30 year war. it’s extremely hard to change perspective and mindspace and change the thoughts. I am slowly, but it’s not easy. it’s an internal fight. it’s tough to be nice to myself when i still don’t like what i see. will i ever like her? jeez, i hope so.

lately i’m trying SO SO hard to work on me. to find the tools i need. to be the best version of me. to stay in my lane and look inward and know i’m on the right path. but somedays i feel it gets even worst.

the voice in my head somedays sounds louder. or the obsession with food and working out is there more often. if i didnt sweat for 3 hours, it’s not enough. 3 hours?! that’s how much i worked out as a top athlete. my body is starving for time off but my mind refuses to entertain that idea. days off..hah! you’re sore…run it off…you’re tired, get in the gym. yet when a friend comes to me tired, sore and injured — i tell them to listen to their body and be ok to take some time off.

it’s exhausting.

i think that’s why it’s so tough to me ┬áto get back here and write. it’s literally exhausting. exhausting justifying it in my head. if i eat that, will it be ok if i just hit the gym ONCE today?! can i get away with just a few miles of a run…what if i didn’t get cardio in?! my head is a mess.

i was talking to a friend the other day and it all started coming out. how i’m trying so hard to make peace with my body but sometimes it just feels like all i’ve done is illuminated my weaknesses. and then i get frustrated.

i had so much more to say but i think this is where i end it today.

be the change. appreciate what you hate. trade expectation for gratitude. your body is a blessing…try and remember that.

xox.

Advertisements

what if…

so, i’m on my yoga journey! i’ve committed to yoga…for a few reasons…but the real reason i keep going is because of the mental work. it’s so just what i need.

don’t get me wrong, i desperately need the physical work too. give me weights to push around in the gym all day, and i will…but make me hold myself up in a position relying on my shoulders and stiff legs and breathe to get me through…that’s a whole other story.

i want to write more on yoga so far, but wanted to just jott some stuff down before calling it a night…every class i am reminded to be grateful and appreciative for my body and it’s ability to move. and that each day presents us with different challenges and nothing is ever the same day to day. and where you are at (in life or yoga) should never be a way to judge or compare…because your journey is your own and no one elses. ok we know these things…but why is it so much more powerful through yoga?!

as we closed out class, i was reminded going into savasana to “let go of any thoughts that don’t serve me for the best.” and it made me think, most of the voices in my head are a$$holes. but what if they got quiet? what if i stopped listening to them? what if i quieted them to let the beautiful voice be the only thing i hear? what if that is the thing holding me back and something so simple can dramatically change my world. they say “change your thoughts and your world will change.” can you imagine…when life is already good, how much better can it get when you shut off those voices that constantly pull you down and make you feel bad.

somedays i think i secretly enjoy the a$$hole voice in the back of my head. but, like my life, i am trying not to make the same mistakes that i’ve mad in the past — trying not to end up with the abusive, narcissists…i think it’s time to break up with that a$$hole voice for ever. it’s kind of weird to have clinged to such negative thoughts for so much of my life…like ALL of it. i don’t even know how to be without putting myself down or telling myself i could do better, work harder, be more disciplined…but maybe it’s time to try. really try. really shut the negative sh*t out. really find a way to deal with it when it does come up.

so i will continue to work on my yoga and centering my mind and body and appreciating all my little flaws. after all, that’s what i continually am asking for in my soul mate — for someone who loves me for me, and loves my flaws and pushes me to be my best while they feel inspired and encouraged by me to be their best. couldn’t hurt.

here goes nothing…namaste.

c2255add0872a22723e2f7843f4aa6e0--yoga-teacher-quotes-quotes-yoga

xox.