smitten.

there are some things about me you should know. when i fall, i fall fast. i don’t really do the whole dating thing, my relationships usually go from first date to relationship real fast. and i’ve been in a serious love drought since my last relationship over a year ago.

so when i saw him on saturday, i sort of knew i might be in trouble. but played it off like i normally do while observing from just far enough away.

in the past, i’ve been one to force relationships. force a connection. force a conversation.

so when the chemistry between us was overflowing on saturday evening and i leaned over and kissed him and he kissed me right back, a little fire in my heart ignited. the rest of the evening was much of the same. canoodling, flirting, kissing. but knowing the flirtation could be blamed on the wine, it was left right there. instead of trying to track him down the next day, i let it be and reminded myself, if he wants to talk to me, he will. hours later i found he had messaged me that morning 🙂

since then i’ve been a bit smitten. a little giddy chatting back and forth with this new guy. half of me wants to hold on tight and wants him to be mine for the summer…half of me says let go and stop. and then there’s a part of me that hopes he continues to pursue me and makes it simple on me.

either way, even if it was just for a few days, it felt nice to be wanted again.

xox.

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when it all makes sense.

This week, in a word, was amazing. This week I fell back in love with my life. Not that I was out of love with it or anything like that, but this was one of those weeks that reminded me I’m exactly where I’m meant to be doing what I’m meant to do and loving every minute of it.

Sometimes you have those weeks and just want to stop time and hold on tight to a moment because everything seems right and you don’t even want to waste a tiny second on wondering if and when it will stop feeling this perfect.

This week I felt empowered. I felt beautiful. I felt strong. I took steps forward with work. I was acknowledged and complimented by friends and colleagues. I laughed. I worked out. I kissed a man. I drank wine. I stayed up way too late. I went to bed early. I woke up earlier than normal. I met new people. I splurged on myself. I challenged myself. I pushed myself. I kept secrets. I chatted with friends. It was a good week.

I wish I could capture this feeling and remember it when I’m down. And use it to motivate myself to keep being better and stronger and remind myself to never settle but for the right things.

And here’s to many more of only the best weeks to come.

xox

your opinion of me.

i wish i could get on my soap box and preach that your opinion of me doesn’t matter to me. it shouldn’t. but it does.

i know, i know…no one’s opinion of me should change how i think or act or what i do or make me feel better or worst about myself. but come on. we all know it effects us a little here and there.

one of my biggest goals is to let go of what people think of me. and i go through phases where i really am good about letting it go and not giving a sh*t. but i also go through phases where i am obsessed with what people think or say about me.

and it makes no sense, but lately the positive comments have had negative effects on me.

recently, i got some positive feedback on my physical appearance. now, mind you, i’m no stranger to comments about my body. however, most of the time they are incredibly hurtful and negative. while those ones always sting, it’s been over 10 years of having people talk about my physical appearance in a negative way, so it’s become something i just get upset about and move on. don’t get me wrong, that shit hurts and i remember most of the bad ones, but i guess me being me has come to realize it happens and people are assholes.

however, it wasn’t until i got some positive comments on my physical appearance that i realized…it’s none of your damn business what i look like. after reading through some comments, from men nonetheless, about me looking fit and like i’ve dropped weight, i initially was proud…and then my head started processing it all…so i looked like a fat hippo to you before now? they asked how my workouts had changed and all i wanted to say was, “they haven’t. i work my ass off day in and day out and have been doing so for the past 3 years.” I wanted to say, “I’ve never actually looked like this in my life…and i’m 34 and a has been top athlete and i’ve never worked this hard in my life.” I wanted to say, “i am in the gym sweating 5 or 6 days a week. running 4 or 5 days a week. hiking. playing tennis. sprinting. and trying to keep my body glued together between all that.” i wanted to say i’m one of the hardest workers you’ll ever meet. but i didn’t. i didn’t say anything. because they don’t understand and they don’t know me…and they don’t realize how their comments on what i look like actually sent me deeper into an obsessiveness i pretend to have control over.

a week later, i found myself binging and eating uncontrollably. and all i kept thinking was, “shit. they’re going to watch the video from this week and remind me i’m actually a cow. and ask how did i put 20 lbs on so fast.” i went through a week where i wasn’t motivated and couldn’t discipline my diet. it went straight to my head. and i hate it. i had just come off about a month of avoiding added sugar in anything and i kept starting my new count over every other day because i couldn’t help from shoving sugar in my mouth.  call it sabotage. call it being human. call it what you want, but it really messed with me.

so this week, i snapped it back into gear. but i consciously am realizing how with each day, the more obsessed i am becoming with my workouts. i freak out on the inside if i am not sure i can get a full hour in the gym. this morning i ran 5.5 miles, played 90 mins of tennis and went to the gym for an hour. and i still feel like it wasn’t enough. i’m back on the discipline train with my eating (I’ve NEVER been good with the whole moderation thing…most things in my life are all or nothing…food has kind of been that way too). tomorrow will be day 3 of no added sugar and i set some goals for the end of the month to keep me on track.

so as i try to add some sort of balance into my life again…i also will be working on not letting people’s thoughts about me effect me deep down. because for my own health, i need to be ok knowing at the end of the day, i did everything i could to be the best version of me and have the best day…and somedays that might mean skipping the gym or eating a cupcake…or running 6 miles before work and following it with leg day…just as long as i’m doing it for me, it will be ok.