smitten.

there are some things about me you should know. when i fall, i fall fast. i don’t really do the whole dating thing, my relationships usually go from first date to relationship real fast. and i’ve been in a serious love drought since my last relationship over a year ago.

so when i saw him on saturday, i sort of knew i might be in trouble. but played it off like i normally do while observing from just far enough away.

in the past, i’ve been one to force relationships. force a connection. force a conversation.

so when the chemistry between us was overflowing on saturday evening and i leaned over and kissed him and he kissed me right back, a little fire in my heart ignited. the rest of the evening was much of the same. canoodling, flirting, kissing. but knowing the flirtation could be blamed on the wine, it was left right there. instead of trying to track him down the next day, i let it be and reminded myself, if he wants to talk to me, he will. hours later i found he had messaged me that morning 🙂

since then i’ve been a bit smitten. a little giddy chatting back and forth with this new guy. half of me wants to hold on tight and wants him to be mine for the summer…half of me says let go and stop. and then there’s a part of me that hopes he continues to pursue me and makes it simple on me.

either way, even if it was just for a few days, it felt nice to be wanted again.

xox.

when it all makes sense.

This week, in a word, was amazing. This week I fell back in love with my life. Not that I was out of love with it or anything like that, but this was one of those weeks that reminded me I’m exactly where I’m meant to be doing what I’m meant to do and loving every minute of it.

Sometimes you have those weeks and just want to stop time and hold on tight to a moment because everything seems right and you don’t even want to waste a tiny second on wondering if and when it will stop feeling this perfect.

This week I felt empowered. I felt beautiful. I felt strong. I took steps forward with work. I was acknowledged and complimented by friends and colleagues. I laughed. I worked out. I kissed a man. I drank wine. I stayed up way too late. I went to bed early. I woke up earlier than normal. I met new people. I splurged on myself. I challenged myself. I pushed myself. I kept secrets. I chatted with friends. It was a good week.

I wish I could capture this feeling and remember it when I’m down. And use it to motivate myself to keep being better and stronger and remind myself to never settle but for the right things.

And here’s to many more of only the best weeks to come.

xox

why my last run of the year reflected 2016 perfectly.

lately words have been spewing out of my head and i’ve had such an urge to write. but i haven’t. for a hundred reasons. sometimes just opening the laptop and letting the words come out takes more energy and work than i wish. sometimes the words are coming out of my head when i’m on a run and i just don’t have the energy to recreate them after the fact. sometimes i have things i’d love to write but know if certain people ever read them, their heart would break and that’s not worth it to me.

but i’ve been looking forward to this weekend all week. a weekend to reflect and gear up for 2017. a weekend to write! a weekend to collect thoughts and say things that need to be said.

2016 apparently wasn’t a great year for some. i’m impartial to it to be honest. but the last run i just went on PERFECTLY summed up my 2016.

it had just stopped raining, so definitely not sunny and warm, a mild 50 degrees…just warm enough to not wear gloves. i stepped outside, turned on my music and started up the hill. within a quarter of a mile, i realized i forgot a headband. i workout most days of my life, sometimes two or three times a day. i NEVER sweat without some sort of hat or headband. but there i was, just far enough away to realize this run would be done without the one thing i always have on a run.

2016 was a jumble for me. there were moments where i actually lost my mind. i started the year losing my wallet. let’s rewind. last NYE i moved into a new apartment. i had found an amazing place, bigger than my studio, cheaper than my studio, with front and back balconies and views of my favorite mountains…almost too good to be true. just a little dated, but hey i’ve always been into that vintage look! so last NYE i was reminding myself how to be me. how to be independent and on my own and solo. i had still been dealing with a breakup and wasn’t 100% myself. A week into the new year, i lost my wallet. if i explained the story, you wouldn’t believe it. i went to costco after work to pick up a few things. ran home to change and go meet some friends down town. when i was heading out to leave, i frantically couldn’t find my wallet. i panicked. crying. sobbing. hysterical. a complete mess. i called my mom literally losing my mind. i didn’t give a shit about what was in the wallet but it was a Louis Vuitton wallet, which meant the world to me. my mom convinced me to go back to costco and retrace my steps. i walked in crying and calmly asked if they had any wallets turned in. nothing that was mine. i went back to where i parked and laid on the ground searching in the dark for any sign of my wallet. finally, a lady who was collecting carts asked if she could help and suggested i check the carts. i walked over to the collection of carts, turned my flashlight on and dropped my jaw. my wallet was sitting in the cart. right where i had left it. i hugged the lady and thanked her at least 20 times. we both praised the city we live in and i instantly called my mom to explain. she reminded me to thank my lucky stars and pray that i had someone looking out for me.

i have never in my life lost something of that much value. but i did this year. and that’s how my year started…

scattered is always a word i use to describe myself but i took it to new levels this year. not because i meant to. i honestly think my head was just too full to let go of some things. it was a clear reminder to slow down in more ways than one.

anyway, back to the run…here’s how it was sounding in my head earlier…

my last run of 2016 was far from pretty but it was absolutely beautiful. it wasn’t as long as i wanted it to be, but it was still a great effort and was what i could do today. it wasn’t easy, there were lots of moments of struggle, but i got through them. i stopped to enjoy the views. i stopped to take pictures. i waved to strangers. i smiled at the fact that i found my stride and felt good doing so. i sang to the songs playing. i sweated and put in the work. and i was disciplined enough to get out there and get it done.

my year wasn’t pretty, but there were many beautiful moments.

i struggled. damn did i struggle, especially toward the end. but i got through it and i feel stronger because of it…at least i’m convincing myself of that part still.

when i look back at my year i realize i actually did a lot. i had fun. i smiled. i loved. i hurt a bit. i set goals. i broke through barriers. i shaped my body. i cried. i smiled. i made new friends and lost old ones. i found what means a lot to me.

but the one thing i realize i did in 2016 is i took a step back. for whatever reason, i hid parts of myself that i love from the world because i was worried about what “they” would say. i feel like at times i let my friends who say i’m super positive down because i pulled back from being positive on social media because i was worried what others would think. well for 2017 i say, f*ck that noise. i genuinely want to love me in 2017 and plan to be a role model and positive force to be reckoned with. love me or hate me, i am going to be me in the new year!

cheers, be safe, and let’s make 2017 an amazing one!

xox.

anxiety.

my anxiety is through the roof this week.

i can’t breathe. i can’t catch my breathe. i haven’t felt this way in years.

and i don’t know what is causing it.

forever ago (ok, 4 or 5 years ago) I knew what was causing it. I was lost. I didn’t have a job. I was stuck. I thought there was no way out. I was fat. I hated myself. I wasn’t happy. That all lead to my anxiety, which, granted I didn’t realize was actually anxiety until I finally did realize it was just that.

So what’s wrong with me now?! I’m not quite sure.

Today it hit me that, I may in fact, HATE THE HOLIDAYS. I repeat, HATE THE HOLIDAYS. Yes. This girl who prides herself on being holly jolly every november might just hate the holdidays. At least for this year.

How did I get here? Well…maybe it started when my sister, (my best friend) kicked me out of her house and berated me saying I was no longer welcome in her home. To which she later apologized and realized how wrong she was which was too little too late since I already had been swiftly kicked into a pretty solid depressive state. So it may be ironic (or not so much) that since that day I just haven’t been myself and just can’t seem to catch my breath.

And then maybe it’s the fact that every human I know is suddenly coupled up and can’t do anything without their significant other. Making me the 3rd, 5th, 7th, 1111th wheel in every situation.

So when I spent two hours venting to my mom about “life” and explaining how I am just frustrated with people, she told me “welcome to adulthood.” and that couldn’t be more true. Lately everyone makes jokes about adulating. But at 33, I’m f**king sick and tired of fake people, and people, and dumb people and all of the above and I’m done trying to be nice or fit in. So yes, I am actively working on saying NO to things that don’t provide me with ultimate happiness. If you happen to leave me feeling sad about myself, NO i’m sorry, I will no longer be spending time with you,

And so, after 32 christmas’ in this life…my mother gave me some great perspective after I told her how hard I am trying to get in the festive mood…”It’s ok not to feel super festive. some years it just isn’t there. and that’s ok.”

So, this year, I’m just not so festive. it’s december 10th and despite decorating and shopping and wearing my christmas tee…I’m still not feeling the christmas spirit. and that’s ok. i think. at least it is this year for me.

and in the mean time, i hope my soul settles and sorts itself out. as much as i wish everything was rainbows and butterflys, there’s a reason why it isn’t always that way, and when it comes back, that makes it even more worthwhile. so until then, i will persevere and toward for better days.

xox.

My happy looks different than yours. And that’s ok.

Yesterday as my sister and I were driving down the 210, tears began flowing from my eyes. Real tears. And lots of them. And suddenly my happiness bubble shattered. The weight of society and the rest of the world meticulously found a pin to burst my bubble. And burst it they did.

Tears. Because I’m in my 30s and single. Because I’m in my 30s and don’t make “a lot” of money. Because I’m in my 30s and don’t own a house…or have a dog…or a Mercedes…or a vacation rental. Because I don’t have kids. Because I’m not a size two or conventionally beautiful. Oh so many tears.

And I don’t know what was worst, the fact that those things on my good days NEVER make me feel sad or upset but rather empower me and make me feel badass. Or the fact that it was all true…

Let me rewind. Last Thursday, I was hit by a ton of bricks by something simple that jolted my soul without me realizing it (until the tears were flowing on the freeway). It doesn’t really matter what it was that was said but it kind of jolted me to my core…it definitely jolted me to my core. And then I began questioning everything I love.

I have worked my ass off my whole life. I have lived more than most. And I have enough stories and life experiences to fill a book. I love…or shall I say, loved, my life so much because I have literally been to hell in back in more ways than one. I have failed. Oh, I have failed so many times. And I’ve had to pack my bags and start fresh on countless occasions. Not because I am bad or dumb but because I’ve lived…and I’ve learned, oh have I learned! And all of those life lessons and experiences and relationships have helped make me who I am today. And today, I appreciate so much the life I now have and have somehow constructed. I love where I live. I adore my job. I am blessed to work for a company that allows me to be exactly me. I have always dreamed of living in the city I live in. I’m normally obsessed with the greatness of my life. That my weeks are filled with work I am passionate about and social gatherings and runs and hikes and trips to the beach and wine and laughter. And what makes me so unique and tick is that I don’t usually get where I’m going in life the conventional way. I’m a late bloomer, I take the road less travelled, but that’s what makes the journey so valuable and the end point becomes even more coveted. Which is why I am so upset that this one thing started eating away at me consciously and subconsciously. Why was I so easily being torn apart over this…

Money has never defined me, seriously. When I tell you I absolutely adore my job because I can be exactly who I am, it’s true. I’ve had jobs before that all I wanted to do was climb to the top and completely throw myself into work 15 hours a day…and I hated my life; I hated myself; and I hated that I had no friends. Finally finding a spot where I have just literally found my family and can geek out on things I love is invaluable in my eyes. And that’s the absolute truth. When you’ve been somewhere you hate and work for someone you don’t respect and cry at the idea of going back to work…that’s when you know the difference between what is right or wrong for you. And that’s why it’s so easy to show up every day excited and with a smile on your face.

Then, as far as relationships, yes I would love to find the right guy and be so sickening in love with him. No I am not a man hater. I often correct my mom and married sister when they generalize that “all men are jerks” to remind them that no, there are great men out there. I am looking forward to meeting one. But I also refuse to compromise and settle. After several detrimental and abusive relationships, I get that I have a pattern of finding the wrong guys for me. So this time around I am going to be cautious. And at the moment, being on my own and single actually does make me happy because I am not relying on someone else to make me smile. I’m not relying on a guy who can’t even be happy on his own to tear me down while I fester and try to build him back up…I’m not waiting for a guy that won’t even value me enough to treat me like someone special. And at this point in my world, I also know how life works for me. When the right person is meant to be in my life, he will show up and I won’t have to force it. I am going to value myself next time, so he has to as well. Period. So why was I instantly convinced my value as a human dropped because I’m not in a serious relationship or engaged or married…Why did it hurt me so much to see my own sister has a wedding board for me on Pinterest, but I don’t because that’s just not who I am.

Why is this festering in my mind. Why at 3 am was I wide awake thinking if I was worth more and if anyone would value me as so?

I’d be lying if I told you I have it all sorted back out in my head. I don’t. I wish I did. Because I’ve been in a funk and a bit sad about it all. Somedays I think if I had all those things, maybe it would be easier…maybe I would be happy…maybe I should try harder to get there…but honestly, maybe I would hate my life.

I’m normally the cheerleader in your life that reminds you how badass you are. How beautiful your soul is and how amazing your spirit is. Some days, I even believe that about myself. But this one deflated me more than I thought it would. And I’m working on getting back there. So this week I focus inwardly on figuring my head back out. Finding things I am thankful and grateful for. Going out of my way to do the things I love for me and only for me. Giving back to others. Smiling more. Enjoying the little things. And trying to not give a sh*t what anyone else in the world thinks because as long as it makes me happy, that’s enough.

And just because all those things aren’t for me right now in my life, doesn’t mean they aren’t for you. Do what makes you happy. Find what makes your soul shine and do that. And the people who love you and genuinely get you will totally understand that and want nothing but that for you and they won’t push you to be someone or something you aren’t.

While I haven’t figured it all out, I’ll leave you with this…

“Happy are they who take life day by day, complain very little, and are thankful for the little things in life.”

and…”The world is going to judge you no matter what you do. So live your life the way you f*cking want to.”

xx

 

when he’s being an a**.

I’m not gonna lie. I have had it up to here with a**holes. So, when one of my guy friends seemed to befriend me and start spending a lot of time with me, and even fooled half of our social circle into the fact that we were (or weren’t we?) dating…I enjoyed it. Yes. Maybe that means I was using him as much as he was using me. But I enjoyed the fact that a) if people thought I were dating said guy friend that it was a definite upgrade from my ex and b) if people thought I was dating said guy friend, maybe somehow that made me more special…and c) I liked his company and honestly could see me dating SAID GUY FRIEND (plus, did I mention, he’s cute?!).

SO when I realized said guy friend has THE worst taste in women, it completely killed the vibe. And it broke a little piece of my heart. So you are into the dumbest, skinniest, blondes? (No offense ladies…but really?!) Said guy friend has been a friend for over 3 years. On and off and on again for different reasons…but that time it was my birthday and he may (or may not?) have hooked up with someone who I consider to be a younger sister is reason enough why we never got real close. But, he was roommates with two of my favorite people…which was reason enough why we DID in fact get close. So when he started spending nights at my place…and in my bed…well I guess the line got, to say the least, blurry. And when every other friday turned into a night out of drinking, dancing, deep thoughts and flirtation…well I guess I thought maybe something more was there. I guess I thought maybe he would realize I am actually the one he wants. But I’m not dumb. Or skinny…And I’m a legit blonde…not the fake blonde type.

So since he’s spoken all of 5 words to me in the last 3 days, I guess I see where I stand. And since I know I come nothing close to his standards, I will pretend to not care. But the thing is. I am what he wants. I am the right choice. But in all honestly, he doesn’t deserve me. And I should never talk to him for treating me like I now don’t exist…but really, I should have been smarter and known better and never trusted him.

And for that…I refuse to be effected. I’m sorry but eff you. If you’ve been in fact using me to get what you want from other people or waste your time, then karma has something coming at you. That’s not what friends are. I expected so much more from you, and can honestly say I’m actually disappointed in who you’ve turned out to be. And that’s all I can say for now, but it hurts my heart to know you might have used me…

xox.

 

 

where is my mind.

Here’s the thing, if you can’t tell already…I am one of those people who lives in the moment. I get super excited and passionate about things on my plate. I’m not going to lie, I get distracted easily and the term “blonde moment” may have been created because of me. And when I’m on, I have a tendency to go 100 miles per minute. There’s no telling me no or to slow down.

With that being said, 2016 has been an interesting year for me. I have had more things come up where I literally am asking myself “where is my head?” While I am scattered at times, I don’t lose too many things. While I’m clumsy sometimes, I don’t break too many things. This year, I’ve lost my wallet (that’s an interesting story! Thank God I live in an amazing town and it was right where I left it an hour later), my car got banged up and I’m still not quite sure how, and most recently, I left my phone on top of my car and then drove away. Yea…

I read a quote the other day that said something along the lines of “my extrovert personality covers up my introvert tendencies.” I like to be busy and love being social, but there are those days and moments where I need my time. On a daily basis I can usually achieve that when I get a workout or run in (although, let’s be honest, some days the gym is definitely too much of a social activity!). The other day, I went to get some sand sprints in after work — a weekly workout I actually love — beach + sand + sprints + endorphins. Long story short, there are those days when runs just don’t really happen the way they are supposed to. It was super windy, a bit cold, and a half mile in, I had to pee! So, I turned around, jogged to the bathroom and was pumped to get my sprints going now that I was sufficiently warm and my bladder was empty. I start my timer and get going…A mile in, my already super tight calf really tightens up and I realize if I sprint one more time, there’s a good chance it would tear (been there done that, it’s NOT fun). I stop, turn around, and hobble back to my car. I set my phone down and shake the sand from my shoes. Get in and go on my merry way. Yea…2 minutes later, I’m wondering where my phone is. The freeway onramp comes up and I’m about to get on the freeway when I realize I really actually have no idea where my phone is and I need to pull over and look for it.

A half mile later I pull over to a gas station, search my purse and passenger seat, maybe under my seat…nope. I get out, and there it is…laying right on top of my car. Right where I left it. Ironically, before all of this I was contemplating giving my Mom a call to catch up, the phone on the car solidified the fact that she needed to hear how much I had officially lost it. “Where is my mind? What is wrong with me?” I asked, literally laughing but with a slight tone of seriousness, like do I need to check myself into the mental institute NOW?? Obviously a clear sign to slow down.

The next morning at work, I submitted a mental health day off.

And here I am enjoying said day off! 🙂 Honestly, it’s one of the best feelings in the world. I have threatened for months to take a day off…and haven’t…for a hundred reasons. Because I tell myself “I don’t need a day off” or I feel bad if I take a day off, or I just don’t think I realize the importance of a mental reset. Or maybe it’s also the fact that I want to take an actual sick day but I know HR will hound me for not going to the doctors on my deathbed or having a sick child.

But I woke up this morning without my alarm going off. Brushed my teeth, made my coffee like normal and am sitting here with the crisp fall air rushing in and writing. It’s quite liberating! And well worth it and now that I’m actually taking said day off, I realize how badly I needed it! So far, I have no guilt for taking it off, yea, still working on that whole “give yourself a break every now and then” thing! And after the way I reacted last week to some internet hate, it’s always nice to have a little distance and a bit of a reset. My day consists of a fall hike and maybe some wine with friends, but honestly, as long as I smile, slow down and enjoy the day, it will be well worth the 8 hours of vacation time. Enjoy the day.

xox.

 

 

 

life.

I’m excited to get the ball rolling. Entry one has been added and I feel like I have freedom to write what I want from here on out.

While I struggle most days to find enough hours in the day, I think this will be an important task I will want to find time for. Because four years ago…my blog was what kept me going.

Now, why should you listen to me? Well…I’m not saying you should. But I’ve lived life and experienced a whole helluva a lot. A lot more than I think most have. And here’s what I know and what I can expand on…Life is amazing. Yes, it does eventually all make sense and even the darkest times do have a light at the end of the tunnel. You may feel alone, but you aren’t. Some days suck…for no reason at all. People can be assholes. Some days are amazing…for no reason at all, but you just find yourself smiling and laughing and in it. Some people will always get it. Several never will. The people who are there through the ups and downs are your tribe. Don’t open up to everyone, most people don’t care. Life is too short not to be living it how you want. Do what you love, no matter what it is. No man ever has the right to abuse the woman he claims to care about — mentally, physically or emotionally. Hate and jealousy is an ugly emotion. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all. Dreams do come true but sometimes dreams change. March to the beat of your own drum. No one said it would be easy. Enjoy every minute of your world. Life is short, tell the people you love that you care about them. You are worth it. Life is a balance. Nothing toxic comes from genuine love. You never know who you are inspiring.

I could go on 🙂 and I will…

You could say four years ago I hit rock bottom. Ironically enough, now looking back…I probably hit it before…although thought I was downward spiralling when in actuality, I may have been rebounding back.

Four years ago, I hated myself. I was lost. I literally cried every day. I had just moved home with my mom after my contract wasn’t renewed and I was lied to and I lost my “dream job.” I had no friends (granted, I had no friends in albuquerque either so this wasnt new). My emotionally abusive narcissistic ex boyfriend broke up with me after saying he would do anything to move to be with me. I was fat and hadn’t worked out (like seriously worked out, sure 30 minutes on the elliptical here and there) in years. I had no passion. I had no direction. I was sad. Every day was painful.

Now I have to preface this story ALWAYS by saying thank GOD for my support system. Which consists of my mom and my sister. No joke, without those two, there is no way I’d be where I am today. I may not even be here…let alone living my dreams.

That being said, thankfully my Mom had found a gym she loved and saw results at and dragged me along. Me, being cloudy and foggy and angry at the world was convinced it was dumb because after all, I had been a top athlete and could have been a pro tennis player and they couldn’t train me. Little did I realize I had been abusing my body for years and hadnt actually consistently worked since I had stopped competing several years ago. For some reason, I was convinced that as a D1 tennis coach, working out only was necessary for the players. Did I mention my then boyfriend tried to snap me out of that by letting me know I was “fat” and “should go to the gym?!”

So, at 29 years old I found myself unemployed, overweight and living with my Mom…far from any dream I had ever dreamt. I had been diagnosed with “severe depression and anxiety” months before and was on one of the heaviest, legal doses of anti-depressants (which after doing extensive research, I learned would be a bitch to ween myself off). I struggled almost daily with self harm. So much so that every time I had an incident, my Mom made me promise her I’d never do it again. I never could make that promise. And each time it got worst. But it took some of the pain away from my head…it made no sense logically…but in my world, I deserved it and I hated myself that much.

So, I did what any other person in my shoes would do. I threw myself into the gym and got to sweating. Yes, the story goes I definitely almost puked doing burpees outside on day 1. God, I had no idea how out of shape I had gotten. And as I applied to every tennis job under the sun, I quickly realized I was in a bad spot and life wasn’t working out. I flew all over the country for interviews just to be “runner up” due to political reasons. The more rejections, the worst I felt…the more time I spent at the gym. Finally, I was bored with it all and began my blog.

Back then, my day literally consisted of going to the gym. Getting coffee. Applying to jobs. Blogging.

Now if you know me today, you have to question this. My schedule today looks something like this — wake up at 6am go to work, hit the gym, play some tennis, work a bit more, go to the beach, get a 5k run in, quick trip to the store, make some dinner, watch a show and bed. Throw in softball games, hikes, 6am 10k runs, volleyball, game nights, concerts, friday nights (say what? yes! I now have a thriving social life!), etc. Like I said, I need more hours in the day!

So what happened in those months. Honestly…for six months I cried a lot. I felt hopeless and sorry for myself. There were many days when I came home and lost it. One day in particular stands out. Maybe I self abused, maybe I didn’t that day. But what I remember was crying and being in so much pain and I said, “Nothing in this world will ever make THIS make sense.” And I believed it. *SPOILER ALERT* Something in this world made it all make sense. And I tear up just writing that. Because honestly, despite always having goals and dreams, I don’t think I ever saw myself where I am today…and maybe that was part of the problem…maybe I never believed enough or maybe I didn’t have enough faith. But I remember on my 30th birthday saying, wow…it all does make sense and it was all worth it and I couldn’t be more thankful for my journey and my struggle if this is where it led me and it makes me so insanely grateful and thankful for every day before me.

I feel like there are so many little stories within a story. And my head is a big jumble of it all. And while some of it really isn’t valid, it all leads me to here.

And I haven’t even hit on why I wanted to start writing again.

I work for a company that is in a word…amazing. They have taken me in like their own and I’m a part of the family. My position allows me to be and thrive as who I am. And my opinion is valued. Like people all over the world actually care about what I have to say about things and value it and even lean on it! With that said, naming myself as a quasi celeb in the tennis world is outright ridiculous. But…truth be told, that’s kind of what we are. As I type, our newest video was uploaded just an hour or two ago and quickly is gaining comments by the minute and will have over 1,000 views by midnight…it’s slightly daunting. With that being said, there are people in this world who suck. Who are insecure and instead of dealing with it, pull other people down. There are some real assholes out there. And lately, those assholes have been getting in my head.

I’ve been called fat. A bitch. A beast. Huge. Ugly. “She has the most talent but is the fattest player I’ve ever seen.” Chubby. Chunky. You name it…I’ve been called it. Most recently I’ve been told I need to stop eating ben and jerrys and that my workouts clearly arent working.

Yea…that shit stays with you. It’s easy for anyone to say those people are just straight up losers or assholes, but that doesn’t erase their words.

So in all honestly, I’ve been noticing that I have been relapsing mentally a bit the past year…that sounds vague. I’ve been dealing with a lot of internal voices and trying to fall in love with the person I am, inside and out. Long story short, I’ve always dealt with disordered eating and body dysmorphia. Ironically, as I dug up some old blog entries, I had documented that at the age of 7 I wrote New Year’s resolutions about “losing weight,” “snacking healthier,” and “exercising more.” At 7.

About a year and a half ago, I met my weight goal I had set. A weight I hadn’t seen since I was 18 when I was spending 4 hours on the court, an hour in the gym and consuming maybe 1000 calories. However, this time when that weight showed on the scale, I had something to go with it — strong, powerful legs that could carry me miles, broad shoulders that could work for hours lifting in the gym, a core that has tightened and experiences that mentally and physically made me stronger.

But, lately, I can’t finish the day unless I’ve sweated through 2 sports bras. My goal weight that I hit is way in the past and I have a new number I’m working toward. Despite dropping well over several sizes in clothes, I want more. So, I’ve always been a hard worker in life and that’s how I go about conquering things. That means, two a days are a norm for me. I spend an hour in the gym and then either another hour on the court and/or an hour or so running or hiking. I try to eat as paleo as possible and as clean as I can most days. I avoid simple carbs, I couldn’t tell you the last time I had a sandwich, I claim not to eat bread…or pasta…I refuse to have flour or sugar in my cabinets. I avoid the bad stuff as much as humanly possible. And after all that, I hate to admit it…but I still don’t like my body. It’s a struggle. And when I have strangers, or people I know make comments about my body, it really doesn’t hurt and I’m desperately searching in my mind for the next thing I can do to somehow “look” fitter, skinnier, better.

I could go on and on about this topic, and I will. It no doubt haunts me on a daily basis. I am consumed with when and what I will do for my workouts and what and when I can eat…it sucks. Somedays I want to give it up, but I refuse to ever go back to someone who weighted well over 250 lbs and thought then she was still an athlete. I am the leanest and strongest I have ever been and I refuse to give up the fight to get leaner and stronger, just some days it isn’t healthy and some days it sucks and some days it’s exhausting, but some days aren’t bad and some days I am proud of myself. But with each day, I know the battle I’m going against and am working on righting my wrongs and making peace with what God has given me to work with. And one day I will find myself to be beautiful. Until then, I will keep moving forward and allowing myself to be human and keep working on being better with each passing day.

I’ll just leave all of that right here for now.

xox