i did a thing today.

so i did a thing today.

a thing that scared me absolutely sh*tless.

today, i agreed to bare it all. well, basically. i mean, might as well have been naked!

today, i agreed to be on film, on camera, in front of others and eventually in front of strangers…in my sportsbra. yep. me and my sports bra. (and shorts of course.)

if you know me more intimately, which you probably don’t, then you know, i suffer an insane amount from body issues. most people don’t know that about me. most people don’t expect that from me.

but i have spent the better part of 30+ years hating myself. hating my body. hating the unique things that make me me. it isn’t fun. and i’m over it. the last 4+ years of my life have been the most positive to say the least. i slowly have started to make peace with the hand God dealt me. in the past 3 months, i’ve made strides in just that by beginning yoga and working on “grace” and “acceptance” and being happy and proud with ANY sort of movement I am allowed for the day.

but is it such an easy flip of the switch and change of perspective? Not even close. just yesterday, i spent an hour of yoga fighting tears. mad because i couldn’t turn my brain off. because i couldnt be happy with the movement i was doing. mad because my sweaty legs wouldn’t allow me to get deeper into a pose. mad because i knew i should be feeling stronger. mad because these thoughts wouldn’t disappear. mad because i couldnt enjoy my savansana.

telling myself i am beautiful and enough makes me cry. it hurts. because i still dont believe it. trust me, I WANT TO. i want to so badly have the confidence everyone else has. i want to be proud of my body. i want to look in the mirror and see me!  i want to be so freaking proud of how far i have come. easier said than done. i see my broad, rectangular shape. i see what i looked like 60 lbs ago.

but today was a step in the right direction. today i did something empowering. today i was scared and brave at the same time. today i took a chance to make a difference…in my world and in other women’s world. today i was not embarresed of the body i am in. i embraced it. i was proud of it. because, i have worked my ass off to get here…to show this off. i will never be tiny…it’s not in my dna…and that is OK. i eat healthy, i work my ass off and this woman is a bad ass chick who is kicking butt in so many ways. i no longer starve myself. i am trying to turn the negative self talk OFF. i am working on reminding myself that people look up to me and that i need to be the best version of myself for me and them.

while some days i feel so weak and like i have so much work today, today i feel strong. and proud. and happy. who knew someone would ask me to be in a sportsbra video…that someone was admiring my strength and work ethic. that someone thought i would be great for this project.

and by being around other amazing women who have found peace with who they are, it makes me want to be that way too.

i feel blessed constantly for what has been put on my plate. today i was reminded how lucky i am to be doing what i do. the unique, niche things i do. and i am so happy i get to be that person. i get to be in front of a camera. i get to show up and smile. i get to talk to people who want to hear what i say. i get to shine. how lucky am i?!

now if only i can get the mind to get on board…i think good things are in store.

i’m working on it. i’m getting there. i know i can and i will.

like i always have shared, i know i’m a late bloomer, and this will come too. life has gotten me this far and taught me all of these things, there is more in store for me, and i know i have great things in my future.

until then, i’m going be proud of what i accomplished today. and let that be enough.

xox.

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